As a counselor I have seen my fair share of marital infidelity. Unfortunately few cheaters I have dealt with actually come clean without being caught. Most feel deep remorse, after they are found out. They are prone to weep and plead and promise the world, but can you ever trust them again? Do you even want to?
This week Americans were surprised to learn that the director of the CIA in the United States resigned after confessing to having an affair. I found it ironic that the head of the most secret organization in the country didn’t see that coming. That is often the way of it, unfortunately. Few of us set out to ruin our lives or our relationships. Fewer still realize the cost. As a person who has felt the sting of infidelity firsthand I know how painful and horrific it can be to find out that the person you have given your heart and body to has thrown your trust and future away.
I recently came across this article in Psychology Today which I found helpful and informative:
So you’ve been cheated on. It was devastating–like being kicked in the gut and thrown into the gutter. You couldn’t eat or function at work. Or maybe you were up all night watching old movies, crying and eating pints of Ben & Jerry’s. The affair creates such heartache and pain that you do not want to be in a relationship again. Definitely never again.
The questions loom large. Is the cheater going to cheat again? Should you trust again or not? Is it true, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”? You may feel torn, like you want to take your cheating partner back but feel like it is a point of pride not to. You think, maybe you should just dive into that online dating pool, start looking for some great profiles and forget all about it. Or maybe not.
Well, I have some critical relationship advice for you: Research studies show that even among married couples, cheating is relatively common: about 22% of men and 13% of women cheat. According to recent studies, even spouses who describe themselves as “happy” with their marriage have affairs.
But the good news is this: Many people who are in committed relationships that have decent chemistry and benefits for both partners can actually work through the crisis of affairs. Not only that, their relationship can become more intimate and they can put an end to cheating once and for all. This means that, “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is just not true. There are people who learn and grow from the painful emotional hurricane and the loss of closeness in the relationship that are the aftermaths of cheating.
Of course there are players or sex addicts that will cheat and cheat and cheat again. These are the ones your truly have to watch out for. How do you tell if you are dealing with a chronic cheater? Here are five signs of relationship advice that indicate your cheater is not a chronic case and that the couple still has hope:
1. Your partner is truly remorseful and regrets having cheated. Look for heartfelt apologies that ring true when you hear them.
2. Your partner cuts off contact with his or her lover.
3. The cheater shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you.
4. You wind up having deep, open and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, what was missing in it and where you’d like to take it in the future.
5. Your partner wants to enter psychotherapy or counseling either individually or with you to understand his/her own dynamics and to make your relationship better and more intimate.
If the cheater shows these signs and the relationship is good for you in many ways, consider taking your partner back. One caveat: If your partner continues the affair or starts a new one, in spite of showing the above signs, you may be dealing with a player or a sex addict.
And just how do you know if the cheating is going on again? Here are some common signs:
• he/she’s working late a lot
• he/she’s's suddenly taking trips you can’t go on
• he/she’s got new hobbies that don’t include you
• mysterious phone calls with hang-ups
• credit card bills for unexplained hotel stays or gift-type items
• less sex
• he/she’s more distant, angry or picky
If you find out your partner is cheating again, it’s time to protect yourself from any further heartbreak by breaking up with this person. There are wonderful new matches waiting to date right there on your computer screen!
In sum, if your partner strays, it doesn’t absolutely mean he or she will do it again. Once a cheater, always a cheater isn’t necessarily true. Forgiveness and a new coming together are possible. If you have been betrayed but want to see if it can work, just stay heads up for a while and see which way the train is heading!
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Hi Dr. Williams , I have been in a relationship with someone who tells me he use to cheat on his ex-lover because he knew his ex-lover was cheating on him . He told me that he use to do it often because he knew the same was happening with his partner, but now that he is in a relationship with me he told me he would never do this to me.
I am very confused without knowing if I should believe him or not, is he more likely to cheat on me because this was a pattern in several relationships he had?
Undealt with past patterns are usually potential indicators of future behavior. Email me if you want to talk confidentially at info@. Definite red flags.
Hi all, well I believe that the saying once a cheater, always a cheater is true. There were so many red flags in my relationship that the man I was with was cheating on me. The thing was whenever I asked him why he was acting distant or why he needed space for no reason, I even asked him why he was hanging out with his friend and coworker, he would deny it. In fact he would call me a name, tell me that he needs someone who is able to trust him and that I was paranoid. One girl came forward and told me she was with him, when I asked him, he told me that he didn’t know her and that I was paranoid. Then his mother talked to me and told me to trust him and his new friendship with his coworker. The holidays came and he told me needed to rest and we saw each other after Christmas. He went on and on about how the new year would bring us closer. I believed him went on with my week and then his sister texted me telling me that my former boyfriend was now in a relationship with his “coworker”. I called him up and he told me he was so happy to hear from me and we talked for half an hour, I asked him once again about her and he shut down. Told me to leave him alone. Long story short he had been secretly dating her for 7 months while I was with him. He had told both of us that he wanted to marry us. Last I spoke to him he told me he hated me and never wanted to hear from me. Ouch. Last I heard, they worked things out and are together. Which hurts a lot but I am so much better without him.
Sucks how many lessons are learned in pain
I do find it funny strange that a cheater would be so surprised after finally getting caught. My hubbie lied and lied and lied over and over until I had proof and he couldn’t deny it anymore. I had his voice recorded talking to her, yes you can outsmart them during cheating because they aren’t thinking clearly. It doesn’t make it any less painful to find out the truth. It is devastating. I still to this day get compliments by men quite often, and can’t figure out why he cheated on me! It was a case of the grass is always greener over there, but if you aren’t living with the person how do you know what they are really like. Your fairytale bubble will burst, because living with someone is way different than sneaking around in infatuation! I am trying to recover my self esteem from this, and I tell myself it was his weakness, and bad decision and had nothing to do with me….
I agree with your article, in my case my husband cheated while I was pregnant, he left, came back, I forgave him, and he continued his affair during my second pregnancy,when I discovered this, I packed my bags and left him, one chance is enough for a person to realise they made a mistake, but the second time round its no mistake. Its your choice ti carry on living with a cheater or leave. I left, and was the best thing I did for myself and my kids.
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Listen carefully, children. There is a good reason why you are forewarned not to trust a cheater. There are so many old sayings (leopards, zebras) and others that are very wise. It’s black or white. That means either you are a cheater, or you aren’t. You can’t really be both. To me the expression “Once a cheater always a cheater”, means you can rely on them as much as you could a broken clock. Too risky.
I am inclined to agree with your statement. My wife seems to have a slight problem with fidelity and ultimately blames me for her actions because I either wasn’t “listening” or I wasn’t “there” which I now know is crap. You do not serial cheat, compromise your families financial resources just because your husband wasn’t “listneing”. I reject that notion. It is plain immaturity and wanting your cake and eat it too. I was there and did ask if everything was alright but it was easier for her to lie and say everything was fine as to use my “not listening” as an excuse for her behavior. I see it now plainly though for the longest time I allowed her to make it seem as if it was all my fault. I was once a gentleman and a good husband but now I have to treat her like a pimp does a prostitute in order to get her to straighten up and do the right thing. I don’t want to be this kind of husband because I want a woman, a wife, a partner that can be trusted and helpfull. I do not need another child to look after but that’s what I have now. Cheaters are immature and narcissitic by nature and have no concept of anything but their own desires. They live only in the moment with no thought of consequences to their families. They must be treated with a firm hand if you are to work it out no matter what the psycho bable tells you about communication. However, I am no longer willing to do so. I am filing for divorce after the New Year so the kids can at least have a good Christmas vacation before it all goes to shit. I hate her more because of what she has done to our kids and involved them in her lies and cover ups. Never trust a damn cheater ever. They will do it again trust me. Especially a woman who fancies herself as one of the “real housewhores of Orange County”.
Jeff. Nothing justifies adultery. You may have been emotionally unavailable, and that is hard to deal with (you may not have been, how would I know), but there are tons of healthy options besides sleeping around.
I wouldn’t carry that guilt. Good on you.
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I’ve been there. Lived it. Grew strong and moved on!
If I knew then, what I know now, it would have made the whole ordeal a little easier.
You are spot on with your advice!!!
Thanks for sharing. ~ Sarah
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I think that a cheater has a higher capacity to be dishonest and cheat again, because they have already proven that in order to deal with a relationship problem they will look elsewhere before either working in the problem or without addressing the problem and attempting to fix it. I think these people have a fear of being alone, and don’t really care that much about the people they are with if they are willing to violate such an intimate trust. They are in relationships for selfish and self-serving reasons and don’t really have a bond or attachment to the person they are with, which is why they can so easily cheat and move on to their next victim. If they were not selfish, they would care enough to realize how cheating would hurt and affect their partner and either work to solve the problems, or simply break up and then move on.
As for the people who enter into relationships with these cheaters, I feel sorry for them. How do they know they won’t be cheated on? Why do they feel such low self-worth that they are satisfied with being the “other person.” Most of them do not end up being the person the cheater stays with. Many serve as a means to exit the cheater’s current relationship and then when that is accomplished, the cheater usually moves on to a new relationship.
I’m sure it’s entirely possible for a cheater to be faithful at some point in time… but chances are that if they feel that cheating is an acceptable means to an end, all it will take is a problem in whatever relationship they are in for those desires to flare up again.
This is a powerful post. I’ve been cheated on and know that pain, and then I later cheated, and know that pain as well. Neither are good feelings.
I don’t necessarily think that a person who has cheated in past relationships always has the “cheater personality”. I’ve cheated in all of my relationships prior to my marriage. I know why. Those men were not fulfilling my needs in some way. I’ve thought at great length as to where the fault lies, and I realized that it doesn’t really matter. The point is that they weren’t working.
My marriage is very different from all of those relationships. My husband is very sensitive to my needs, even if I don’t always think so. The only time he fails to fulfill a need is when that need just can’t be fulfilled by anything, really. And that’s probably due in part to my disorder. However, it is never enough to make me want to cheat. I couldn’t imagine doing that to him. Even more importantly, I couldn’t imagine wanting or needing any other man in my life. (He is more than enough! Ha!)
So, I would say, yes, once a cheater – in that relationship. Because, I’ve been a serial cheater to those that weren’t fulfilling my needs. And the dysfunction of those relationships was so systemic that it wouldn’t have mattered if we actively tried to fix it. The point is, it would have kept happening. Things were the way they were and we can’t always change who we are and how we behave.
I’ve often thought about that question … and after reading your post I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter to me if he will do it again. What matters is my perception and my attitude towards him … I’ve got a bit of a sadistic side (I think) and I would be too afraid that if I took a cheater back I might think I’ve forgiven him but there will be resentment there and that resentment will eventually bear it’s ugly head in the relationship. Perhaps counseling would do, but honestly it would only work if I wanted to fix the problem. Oh my, I certainly have issues, but my biggest issue is that I would never want to hurt someone as a result of my own resentment … especially myself. My MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IS THE ONE I HAVE WITH ME!!!!!!
I might post lots of whacky hypothetical revenge posts on schlongs in my blog, but I do still keep in touch with some of my exes and I think it’s because I let go of the relationship before it got too bad. So in a nut shell what would matter to me is that he did it in the first place … and that would turn my sweetness and light into bitter darkness
How do you make the thoughts of wanting to cheat go away?
The only constant in life is change. Saints sin, sinners do good deeds, the kind grow cruel, the cruel become kind.