Tag: divorce

Why Women Are Leaving

Published on by Scott Williams10 Comments

Divorce Cakes a_009

Philosopher William James (1842-1910), said, “The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.”

Monique Honaman, Author, HuffPost Blogger

There is an overwhelming number of women who feel unappreciated by their husbands. I often hear the following refrain: “I just want to feel appreciated. For years I have been the cook, the cleaner, the chauffeur… I don’t feel like we are a partnership… I’ve asked, demanded and pleaded that we go to counseling… I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to live the second half of my life feeling like this. I’m done.”

I’m sure this is nothing new. I am sure my mother felt unappreciated by my dad at times during their marriage. I think that’s probably natural in the cycle of marriage and relationships. Life gets busy. We forget to thank those closest to us.

But times are changing. I have spoken with more women than I can count over the past couple of years who aren’t just complaining about feeling unappreciated by their husbands. Instead, they are doing something about it.

These women, most of whom are in their mid-40’s, have decided they want out of their marriages. Sure, they are scared for what this means for them. Sure, they are nervous about the new unknowns divorce will bring. Sure, they recognize the impact this will have on their lives. For most of the women I spoke with, leaving their husbands means having to secure full-time employment for the first time in years. It mean moving out of the big brick colonial in the suburbs and moving into something more affordable. It means being alone. And you know what each and every woman I spoke with said? “I am absolutely OK with this.” I heard, “I’m OK being alone and starting over on my own… I feel as if I have been alone for years anyway. I don’t need my big house or my fancy car. I don’t mind having to work. I just know that I don’t want to spend the next half of my life living this way. Why should I?”

Wow! To give it all up and start over at 45? It’s surprising, particularly because to the outside world, these women appear to have it all. Their husbands aren’t “bad” people. We aren’t talking about men who are abusive or alcoholics. We aren’t talking about men who are dragging the family into bankruptcy. We aren’t talking about men who have lived a double life full of affairs.

What these women are expressing is a deep personal sadness at feeling disconnected and unappreciated by their husbands. They tell me they have fought for years to feel more connected and appreciated. This isn’t a whim, they assure me. They have thought long and hard about their decision to get divorced. They aren’t simply giving up. They have tried and fought a long battle. But the thing they each have in common is that they have reached their breaking point. They say, “I’m tired of not feeling appreciated, not feeling like I am part of a partnership. I feel like I am the roommate, the bill payer, the cook, the cleaner, the chauffeur… but not someone who is valued and appreciated. I’m tired of asking to be appreciated — begging to be valued — pleading to feel I as if I am important and not constantly playing second-fiddle to everything else going on in his life. I’m done.”

Divorce has become commonplace. Many women thrive after divorce. They live independent, happy lives. Any taboo or stigma that may have existed during my mother’s generation doesn’t exist any more. I think this gives many women the courage to say, “I can do this.” And, they are.

What do we do about this? Many husbands are left with their jaws hanging open in disbelief when their wives file for divorce. “Why didn’t we talk about this? Why didn’t we go to counseling? Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling this way?” The wives smile sadly and say, “We have, we did, I have… and it’s too late now… I’m done.”

I don’t like these conversations. I believe in the institution of marriage. I don’t like to see people quit. What can we do? I know the following advice is oversimplifying the issue — I really do — but it’s a start:

Men, please take the time to appreciate your wife regularly. Thank her for what she does for you and your family. Validate her. Cover her with words of affirmation. Wrap your appreciation of her deep within her heart. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The women I spoke with are not giving up because they weren’t thanked for emptying the dishwasher once. It’s the net result of decades of feeling taken for granted. When I suggest that perhaps having an open dialogue with their husbands alerting them to just how serious this really is and perhaps giving a final chance to make some changes, they tell me it would be too little, too late. “I’m done,” they say.

Clearly, women, this isn’t a one-way street. Appreciation goes both ways. Are you checking to see just how much appreciation you are showing to your husband as well? Do you thank him for all he does, or do you take him for granted? Really think about it. Perhaps you perceive that you are being more appreciative than you really are. What would he say?

I’m not saying that showing more appreciation will lower the divorce rate in our country, but I do believe that showing more appreciation will improve marital relationships. After all, it’s like basketball superstar Kareem Abdul-Jabbar once said, “If not shown appreciation, it gets to you.” And it seems that “it gets to you” is leading more and more towards, “I’m done.”

Related articles

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

Published on by Scott Williams30 Comments

As a counselor I have seen my fair share of marital infidelity. Unfortunately few cheaters I have dealt with actually come clean without being caught. Most feel deep remorse, after they are found out. They are prone to weep and plead and promise the world, but can you ever trust them again? Do you even want to?

This week Americans were surprised to learn that the director of the CIA in the United States resigned after confessing to having an affair. I found it ironic that the head of the most secret organization in the country didn’t see that coming. That is often the way of it, unfortunately. Few of us set out to ruin our lives or our relationships. Fewer still realize the cost. As a person who has felt the sting of infidelity firsthand I know how painful and horrific it can be to find out that the person you have given your heart and body to has thrown your trust and future away.

I recently came across this article in Psychology Today which I found helpful and informative:

So you’ve been cheated on. It was devastating–like being kicked in the gut and thrown into the gutter. You couldn’t eat or function at work. Or maybe you were up all night watching old movies, crying and eating pints of Ben & Jerry’s. The affair creates such heartache and pain that you do not want to be in a relationship again. Definitely never again.

The questions loom large. Is the cheater going to cheat again? Should you trust again or not? Is it true, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”? You may feel torn, like you want to take your cheating partner back but feel like it is a point of pride not to. You think, maybe you should just dive into that online dating pool, start looking for some great profiles and forget all about it. Or maybe not.

Well, I have some critical relationship advice for you: Research studies show that even among married couples, cheating is relatively common: about 22% of men and 13% of women cheat. According to recent studies, even spouses who describe themselves as “happy” with their marriage have affairs.

But the good news is this: Many people who are in committed relationships that have decent chemistry and benefits for both partners can actually work through the crisis of affairs. Not only that, their relationship can become more intimate and they can put an end to cheating once and for all. This means that, “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is just not true. There are people who learn and grow from the painful emotional hurricane and the loss of closeness in the relationship that are the aftermaths of cheating.

Of course there are players or sex addicts that will cheat and cheat and cheat again. These are the ones your truly have to watch out for. How do you tell if you are dealing with a chronic cheater? Here are five signs of relationship advice that indicate your cheater is not a chronic case and that the couple still has hope:
1. Your partner is truly remorseful and regrets having cheated. Look for heartfelt apologies that ring true when you hear them.
2. Your partner cuts off contact with his or her lover.
3. The cheater shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you.
4. You wind up having deep, open and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, what was missing in it and where you’d like to take it in the future.
5. Your partner wants to enter psychotherapy or counseling either individually or with you to understand his/her own dynamics and to make your relationship better and more intimate.

If the cheater shows these signs and the relationship is good for you in many ways, consider taking your partner back. One caveat: If your partner continues the affair or starts a new one, in spite of showing the above signs, you may be dealing with a player or a sex addict.
And just how do you know if the cheating is going on again? Here are some common signs:

• he/she’s working late a lot
• he/she’s’s suddenly taking trips you can’t go on
• he/she’s got new hobbies that don’t include you
• mysterious phone calls with hang-ups
• credit card bills for unexplained hotel stays or gift-type items
• less sex
• he/she’s more distant, angry or picky

If you find out your partner is cheating again, it’s time to protect yourself from any further heartbreak by breaking up with this person. There are wonderful new matches waiting to date right there on your computer screen!
In sum, if your partner strays, it doesn’t absolutely mean he or she will do it again. Once a cheater, always a cheater isn’t necessarily true. Forgiveness and a new coming together are possible. If you have been betrayed but want to see if it can work, just stay heads up for a while and see which way the train is heading!

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. in Finding True Love

People With Doubts About Marrying Their Partners Have Higher Rates Of Divorce

Published on by Scott Williams9 Comments

Would it surprise you to learn that according to new research, men and women who harbored doubts about marrying their partners have a higher rate of divorce after four years of marriage?  It sounds like one of those no-brainer discoveries.  But it reminded me of what one of my graduate school professors said some decades ago, that it can be useful to “demonstrate the obvious.”

Here’s why, in this case: The research underscores how often people know an inner truth, but don’t act on it.  They might hold back because of various fears, such as fear of affirming themselves. Or, from pressure to acquiesce to what their families or conventional thinking tells them their “right” decision should be.

I’ve seen several examples, such as a corporate executive I’ve been helping to better integrate his leadership role and his personal life goals. While reflecting on the latter, he said, “I remember, as I was walking down the isle – literally – to marry her, I said to myself, ‘I shouldn’t be doing this.  I’m making a huge mistake.’”

Let’s look at what the new research found, and what it tells people that’s important to heed – for those at the entry point of marriage, and for those much further down that road.

Researchers at UCLA interviewed 464 couples about how they viewed the partners they were about to marry.  Those who harbored doubts about marrying their spouses had a much higher divorce rate after 4 years than those who didn’t.  The research, reported in the Journal of Family Psychology, found that 47% of husbands and 38% of wives said they had doubts about marrying their partners at the outset.

Subsequently, 19% of the women who had pre-wedding doubts ended up divorced four years later, compared with 8% of those who didn’t have doubt.  And 14% of the husbands who reported doubts were divorced four years later, compared with 9% who reported no doubts.

Researchers took into account such factors as how satisfied the spouses were with their relationships to begin with, whether their parents were divorced, and whether the couple lived together before marriage. Couples were followed up every six months for four years, after marriage. The average age of the husbands was 27; for wives, 25.

Justin Lavner, the lead author of the study, said in a summary of the research, “People think everybody has premarital doubts and you don’t have to worry about them. We found they are common but not benign. Newlywed wives who had doubts about getting married before their wedding were two-and-a-half times more likely to divorce four years later than wives without these doubts.”

But note that even the men who had doubts were nearly twice as likely to divorce than men without doubts. Moreover, those who had doubts but were still married after four years reported less marital satisfaction than those without doubts.

What It Means

More than just a lesson to be mindful of your doubts, I think this research reflects the fact that what people want from relationships is in the midst of transformation, today – both for younger men and women at the “entry level;” and for those married for some time

The transformation is evident in: Rising cohabitation rather than marriage. Increasing acceptance of gay marriage by the general public.  Diminishing social stigma about affairs. Desire for greater transparency and equality in relationships as well as throughout society.  These realities push up against old conventions, norms and traditional definitions of partnerships.  That generates personal and social upheaval.

Now there’s even a growing movement to decriminalize polygamy.  John Witte Jr., scholar of religion and law at Emory University in Atlanta, believes that polygamy is the next frontier in marriage and family law. In a Washington Post article, he points out that states are able to dismantle traditional or conventional views of marriage by allowing two men or two women to wed, so why should they not go further and sanction, or at least decriminalize, marriages between one man and several women?

As far as the long-term “damage” from divorce that some claim, that doesn’t hold up with the data. One example, cited by University of Virginia marriage researcher E. Mavis Hetherington, is that 60% of divorced people eventually end up with new partners, in positive relationships.

Whatever you think about these social shifts, the fact is that many marriages become marked by low-level emotional intimacy, inequality regarding power, and an unsatisfying sexual life.  That’s almost the norm.  Therefore it would be wise for men and women at the “entry level” of marriage, as well as those within longer-term marriages, to engage in some fact-checking with themselves:
by Douglas LaBier, Ph.D.

Related articles

Are You Headed For A Breakup?

Published on by Scott Williams4 Comments

LOL Just divorced. And no, that's not my car.Malcolm Gladwell is one of my favorite authors. He has written several award winning books including Blink, Tipping Point, Outliers, and What the Dog Saw. Gladwell is a story teller who is able to pull the most unusual stories out of otherwise mundane events. He explains why most professional hockey players are born in the first few months of the year, why it makes good economic sense to give free homes wot homeless people, and he tells the story of John Gottman.

Gottman is a therapist who specializes in micro-expressions in relationships, among other things. If you have ever seen the failed TV series, “Lie To Me“, then you probably have heard of micro-expressions. Gottman believes that, by closely observing facial clues and physical body reactions during a couple’s interactions that you can, with some surety, predict the likelihood of them staying together or breaking up. He brags that after only a few hours with any couple he can tell, with 95% accuracy, whether or not this couple will still be together in five years.

Anyone who works with couples can tell you that you don’t need to look for micro-expressions to be able to tell if a couple is going to make it. After working with hundreds of fighting couples you develop a sense of intuition. You can usually tell, within minutes, if a couple is in trouble or not. This is because couples have an emotional divorce long before they ever have a legal one. To everyone on the outside things are going fine but the couple has already started emotionally disengaging from each other. They begin to realize, often subconsciously, that they cannot be honest with each other, that they cannot connect on a deep level without being criticized or devalued.

Couples who are getting an emotional divorce are angry. Things that would not be hurtful coming from a complete stranger are painful and derisive. They seem to be mad at each other all the time and will tell you, “he/she makes me so angry”. The smallest things become issues of contention.

There is a certain wisdom in second marriages. Getting with a new partner who doesn’t know your triggers gives you a chance to have an emotional honeymoon before you start to piss each other off. Unfortunately, though, the other person will eventually find out you chew your nails, or open your mouth when you chew, or have stupid opinions and you will be facing the

Here are three sure fire signs that you may be heading for an emotional divorce:
1. You no longer communicate like you used to.
Couples in trouble stop connecting on a romantic level. They can no longer have deep conversations. Eventually they cannot have any form of conversation. They have been together so long that they know each others ‘buttons’. Every word out of their mouths is ‘loaded’ or at least perceived to be so. Couples at this stage come to realize that real communication with the other is impossible and your partner doesn’t get you and probably never will.

2. You start keeping score.
Another early sign of emotional divorce is when you become resentful about doing things for your partner, such as picking up their messes or going out of your way to help them. Relationship therapists call this ‘score-keeping’. This refers to the tendency to unconsciously tally up who is getting what from the relationship. That whole concept of sacrifice was nice in theory but you begin to notice an imbalance in who is giving and who is taking. You are tired of sacrificing for someone who is selfish.

Couples who are emotionally divorcing no longer look to their partner to be their best friend. They realize that this other person can no longer meet their deepest needs and continue to disengage. These couples usually find their sex life waning in importance and many of the females no longer emotionally connect and therefore experience fewer and fewer orgasms or satisfying sexual encounters.

3. Criticism has become your preferred method of communication.
Couples who are destined for the court room have come to realize that they can no longer work with their partner to overcome issues and have decided that they can criticize, negate, put down, and use passive-aggressive hints to get their way.

Criticism is the absolute best way to find yourself surfing Match.com in the coming years. Every day I speak with partners who think they can somehow get what they need by putting their significant other in their place.

So how is your relationship doing? If you are having significant communication problems, have starting keeping score, and are critical of your spouse; then chances are you are headed for an emotional divorce and will eventually give up half your stuff. Don’t minimize the problem. Couples who are not willing to address these insipid issues are virtually guaranteed to be divorced in the future.

There are no special cases. There are no partnerships ‘made in heaven’. A healthy relationship is not a miracle. There are no happy couples who are that way simply because it was ‘meant to be’. There are few exceptions in this world of choices – if you don’t do the work you will be divorced and alone. A good marriage/relationship is extremely hard work and only those who are willing to humbly work every day on their stuff with another person who is equally committed are going to make it.

Coming Up: How To Know If Your Relationship Is Right.

RELATED ARTICLES