Men: Why your orgasm doesn’t matter…

Warning: this article uses words like orgasm and sex. So enjoy.

One day, during my relationship course for couples, I decided to have a little fun with the group. I asked for a show of hands from the women who had had an orgasm every time they have had sex in the past two years.

No hands.

I proceeded to ask the male partners the very same question, “men, how many of you have had an orgasm every time you have had sex in the past two years.”

Every hand went up.

So I turned to the ladies and asked, “does anyone see a problem with this?”

Trust me on this, I do know a little bit (a very little bit) about the female sexual experience as described to me by some very good teachers (you). I understand that for some women, having an orgasm every single time they have sex is not always necessary. But all variables considered, doesn’t anyone else have a problem with the math?

So I asked the men, “when is the last time you took care of your wife’s needs and didn’t worry about whether or not you were satisfied?”

Blank stares.

This may only be my opinion but I find something fundamentally wrong with a sexual experience that has entrenched the belief that one partner always has their way while the other partner is usually left unsatisfied. I said this, just this morning, to a female friend of mine and she responded, “Why do think so many women aren’t that crazy about sex!”


I find it interesting that no one seems to talk about this. In my relationships course, which will be available online in January, we talk about this a great deal. We investigate the fundamental prejudices that have literally torn apart marriages for generations. We ask questions like, “why don’t men ever volunteer to do the dishes?” (there is a profound and reasonable answer to this). We address the complaint that so many women have that their male partner (if it’s a male) is an emotional child and they have a hard time being attracted to him because of this. We talk about the incredible difference between men and women in their communication styles and what I call ‘the cosmic joke’.

So then, why doesn’t a man’s orgasm really matter? I’m not going to let the entire cat out of the bag but I will say that if a man is wholly concerned with satisfying his female partner’s needs, and is relentless in his pursuit of her sexual and emotional happiness, he will never have to worry about his needs again. Gratitude and intimacy always spawns action.

And I do love the word action.

So men, when was the last time you satisfied your partner without getting off?

Guys, here’s your assignment. For one month don’t worry about your needs at all. Concentrate on being that amazing lover you want to believe you already are. Force yourself, at least a few times, to refuse even if you are invited, let’s just say it, to see it through to ejaculation.

Trust me on this, it will be worth it. Your woman will thank you me!

27 thoughts on “Men: Why your orgasm doesn’t matter…

  1. This writer is basically a man apologist. Women not being interested in sex has little to nothing to to do with teh subjects in the article. Women lose interest in sex over time and their interest isn’t renewed with a new partner and the pattern continues. Men are different and so our sex drive is maintained. Men and women are not the same. Stop trying to apply man logic to women.

      1. You are right that most women can’t stay sexually attracted to the same man for too long.
        But you are very ignorant about male selfishness. Most men couldn’t care less about the woman’s pleasure and helping her achieve an orgasm. That’s not an opinion, there are studies.

        Women are much more giving in bed (give more oral sex than receive even though it doesn’t make them orgasm most of the times, accept having anal sex even when they don’t want to, are more sensual). They also care much more about their bodies – and that satisfies the male’s gaze.

      2. I can appreciate your comment about my naïveté about men’s selfishness, although in my defence I have met several men who, after some eye-opening instruction or conversation, truly seem to care about their partner’s sexual happiness. You’re obviously right about many of my gender, we were never taught nor modelled such attitudes in our youth.

  2. I have the opposite problem. I am a married man who makes sure his wife orgasms even before penitration and she could give a crap if I get off or not. She has never just touched me just because, sexually. She is selfish. I don’t know how to get this turned around. She will even admit it that she is selfish in bed. I am on the brink of giving up and throwing in the towel. When your rejected every night in bed it makes you feel unwanted and unloved. I guess it has always been this way and I guess I was just happy to please for 10 years…. Vexed

  3. This makes me think that sex is truly in the mind of the beholder. For example, I have .gender dysphoria and don’t think of myself as female, but my body is most assuredly that of a woman. I do have slightly higher levels of testosterone than many women, but nothing near what men have and not enough to make my body masculine/tomboyish looking. So, given that I am not a “slow cooker” (as you put it elsewhere) and all my FwB has to do to get me wet is stand in front of me half naked…Well, it seems the brain is more connected to sex than the body.

    I am shocked and dismayed in regards to the lack of hands raised by your women participants. Not one of them got off reliably? Dear Gods, that’s horrible. I hope they made sure to inform their partners of this, rather than faking it.

    One other thing I wanted to mention is that it’s not truly that a man’s orgasm doesn’t matter…it’s that his woman’s orgasm matters *too*. Telling someone “it doesn’t really matter if you cum” is pretty harsh. I’d certainly never say such a thing. Don’t you think it would be better to inform your male participants that she should cum first, rather than saying they shouldn’t care if they cum at all?

    I do agree that the numbers of orgasms should basically match up though. Which is why I try to give my FwB an extra quickie blowjob at least 4x a month outside of our actual sexual escapades. He only cums once when we have sex…I cum a minimum of 7x. Giving him 4 orgasms where he can just lie back and enjoy it is my way of keeping the scales balanced.

  4. Optimism and idealism are beautiful things… All nice and well, until you have a wife like mine that enjoy all the compliments, love and attention. Then just orgasm every-time, cuddle up and rave about how amazing it was, while I rarely get to finish as she just switch-off or go into cuddly mode after she had her pleasure.
    If I don’t do all the above, then nothing happens, so it’s either disappointment, or nothing. I’m starting to choose nothing.

  5. I have experienced that disgusting level of selfishness, and have made the decision to never put up with this crap ever again.

  6. It saddens me that we are so sexually bereft as a society.
    I would recommend to any woman who has a hard time orgasming during sex to masturbate more.
    A lot more, daily, several times a day.
    It’s about being in tune with your body and what it wants and knowing how to get it.
    If we don’t know what makes us cum, how can we expect him to?
    We need to take responsibility for our orgasms into our own hands
    pun intended

  7. It doesn’t matter to us (males) because it’s easy for us to orgasm and we take it for granted. Women, specifically, my wife’s sexual experience is much more than attaining orgasm. It’s a whole body experience encompassing her entire being, i.e., meeting her emotional and intelligence needs for the experience which does NOT begin once we are in bed. It’s a daily effort to meet her other needs which eventually culminates into a great sexual experience with or without orgasm, thus meeting her physical needs. It’s easier written about than acted out, but just the effort alone is sometimes good enough for her.

    1. Saying males orgasm easy compared to women is far from a universally correct statement. My wife gets off far easier than I and usually several times when she does. She’s not very enthusiastic about serving my needs even though she gets off nearly every time and usually multiple times. There has been a ton of times where I either haven’t gotten off or I had to take matters into my own hands since she just doesn’t get into it, which is a huge turn off and makes it even harder. I’m at my wits end with it and it seems like there isn’t a true solution to fix the issue.

  8. I have actually been with women who do not seem to know how, or expect, to experience, an orgasm. This bothers me, concerns me – what can their experiences have been like, before?

    And I have had sex with women who seem to think the whole point of the exercise is to make me come — which also bothers me. That will happen eventually, of course, but it is all the other stuff that makes sex different to masturbation, it is the feeling of sharing intimacy and giving that is the real goal.

  9. Good on ya, my man! As you get older, pleasuring a woman becomes more tiring, and so does having an orgasm. That’s no reason to give up, or course.

  10. Thanks so much for checking out, and commenting on my blog at I loved this blog of yours, even though, as a man who dates men, this issue isn’t as relevant. Too many men I know would say that the only time it doesn’t matter if they get off is when they are smashed (or as the Brits across the pond put it, “thoroughly pissed.”

  11. I loved this column. Guys never ‘get’ this. But you do. Congrats! I’ve written a book called ‘Kiss and Tell’ based on a survey with 1,300 women (ages 15-97) about their sexual desire. Super fascinating stuff from the ladies, I have to say. I discovered very few women orgasm all the time. It’s such a different construct for men and women. Men take it for granted; women can’t usually afford to do that. I’m self-publishing my book this winter, so I hope you’ll look for it! 😉

  12. if a man is wholly concerned with satisfying his female partner’s needs, and is relentless in his pursuit of her sexual and emotional happiness, he will never have to worry about his needs again. Gratitude and intimacy always spawns action. exactly! it’s like loving God. when you know how very much God loves you you want everything you do to please Him, you want to worship Him, to praise Him. and the more you pour yourself out for/to please Him the more He wants to bless/please you. it’s awesome!

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