What’s A Guy To Do?

Romance in Manhattan

Some men hate my writing, and with good reason. I have a propensity to tell men that they are not meeting their partner’s needs – without offering enough positive and practical advice. It’s almost as if I am saying, “Here’s the problem but you need to figure it out yourself.” That sounds suspiciously female to their ears, their partner (if they have a female partner) has been saying that to them for years. What am I, one of them? Where is the step-by-step guide to winning her heart? Where are the slick tactics that you see on other websites (which appear far more helpful because they offer quick and easy solutions)?

Part of being a man, I am convinced, is often needing clear instructions when it comes to emotional issues. Emotional intelligence is something we never worked on much growing up. We spent far too many hours shooting things and talking about farting (or was that just my family?). We need to fix things and it would be very helpful if women came with an owner’s manual (such a sexist comment…). They aren’t rational, we think. They don’t process things like we do, don’t seem to have the ability to communicate like we communicate; they think about too much stuff (and apparently they think all the time!). How many times do I have to watch “Say Yes To The Dress” (Atlanta not New York, Randy’s a poser) before she warms to my form?

Men ask me all the time, “What can I do?”

The answer is simple. All you should do is learn how to communicate with women, learn to understand how women think, become a student of the female psyche, spend hours and hours listening without offering solutions until you are sure she is looking for one, activate the emotive side of your personality, learn to give while feeling misunderstood, talk, talk, talk, talk, get counseling and marriage counseling, take some psychology and feminism classes…

Or just do this…

Although I am only a man I am immersed in female culture and constantly hear that female spouses don’t feel safe in their relationship, struggle with trust, and don’t feel important or valued. Many have spoken of feeling emotionally abandoned after a few years of commitment. Time and time again my female clients tell me that their issues with their man wouldn’t matter nearly so much if only they felt special, felt important, believed that they were completely loved.

This sounds really naive, but what if there is something to it? What if I didn’t need to try to fix a thousand past slights but only had to try, try really hard, try every day to win this girl back? What would happen if I decided to make this person whom I love more than anyone the absolute first priority in my life for the next three months? Spoil her.
Listen to her.
honour and cherish her.
become a student of her.
engage with her as much as she wants.
Treat her like a goddess.
Do the things you did to win her heart in the first place.

Even as I write this, after all this training and all this experience, there is still a minuscule guy part of me that thinks this is so lame. So unmanly. So hard.

This may be completely off, especially in cases of abuse, but what if it was a game changer? What have I to lose?

13 thoughts on “What’s A Guy To Do?

  1. You have done your research! Lol I’m about to leave my husband because of most of things you wrote. But sometimes it’s too late to be treated like a goddess. You needed the attention when he wasn’t prepared to give it, or didn’t even notice you were there! Men are from Mars and women are from Venus…so so true. We definitely think too much. As for the farting? Your not alone…I’m from a family of boys and loads of them. Farting is the number one topic of discussion, why is that?? LMAO
    Great post…hugs Paula xxx

  2. You know, reflective listening is a learned behavior. What if men AND women learned to listen, to listen deeply.

    For example, my husband would bring his paycheck home for me to deposit. Seriously! What a pain in the ass. He had to drive past the bank to hand me the check?!

    Now that I am older and wiser (and read a book that explained things) I know that what he was SAYING was “I love you. I work hard for you and the kids. See? Here is proof of my love.” What I HEARD was “I’m too busy and/or lazy to go to the bank. You do it.”

    How can we NOT have trouble when we aren’t even aware of how badly we’re mid communicating?

    Now I try to “hear” the love, even when it’s phrased in a way that I don’t “like.”

  3. Moving, relevant and potentially revolutionary (if men everywhere decided to get on board). Excellent post.

  4. Once again an excellent post Scott!
    You hit on something that has puzzled me for years. I have noticed so many times in the relationships around me that the couple struggle, the woman voices her concerns the man rolls his eyes, she eventually throws her hands up in total frustration and moves on. The minute the man realizes she really means it he panics and starts to do all the things she wanted all along. In many cases, for the woman; its too little too late.

    I hate to nag, so I say my piece and expect feedback, action or something! Tell me to go F myself! But something!! I assume because I don’t nag; the man doesn’t think I am serious so does nothing. When the relationship finally hits the skids the guy is standing there with hospital mouth open wondering what happened.

    My dad told my first husband.
    “she’ll take your shit and keep taking it until one day she’ll have had enough. When she’s done it WILL be done and you won’t know what hit you.”
    He was right.

    I was in an abusive relationship as you know. I went back to him many times. Why? Because eveeytimes we split he would have an epiphany and realize and admit to and apologize for everything he did wrong. I would feel validated, heard, valued, loved and willing to look at my part in things and do my part to save the relationship. We would get back together, I would be putting 110% into “us” and he would recant or “forget” ever admitting fault.

    I wish women did come with an instruction manual but even if they did; what man ever reads the instructions BEFORE totally screwing something up anyway?? Lol just kidding……really…..;)

    1. You make so many valid points. You are quite correct about the epiphany stage for men when the crap hits the fan. It is almost a universal reaction, in my experience – so often I’m surprised I haven’t spent more time thinking and writing about it. I’m going to remedy that, thanks to you. I have several thoughts rolling around in my melon about this phenomenon and ways to deal with it…

  5. Right on target here. I am thinking similar thoughts. The big question is how do we get men to buy into it? If part of you thinks this is lame, then imagine what guys who are not only ignorant of female culture, but also have been taught to trivialize female culture will respond. Whenever I write similar posts, I always get a lot of likes and comments from women, but very few men are willing to stick their necks out. I’m interested to hear your perspective on this dilemma.

    1. right or wrong alot of men feel that they are in fact trying but she isn’t buying. The chasm between the perspectives is often so large that neither party is willing to look through the other’s lens. This issue also strikes alot of masculinity feelings in men who believe their woman is trying to feminize them but is willing to do nothing in return (or so they perceive).

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