I am asked this question all the time. How do I leave? How do I stand up for myself? How do I lower my expectations of this person? How do learn to be happy in the mess that is my life right now? How do I let go of the grief or the expectations or the unrealistic dreams? How do I forgive? How do I move on?
It’s a question as old as time. Letting go is something that I only learned through pain, and it wasn’t worth it. How do you let go of hopes and loves and connection? How do you let go of a dream?
No one wants to hear that it takes years and tears. We want to believe there is something we can do which will move the process forward, when we haven’t even accepted the real situation. In counselling we call this, magical thinking. We all believe in magical thinking, every once in a while. We want to believe if we rub our lucky rock we will win the lottery. Some of us believe the universe is punishing us, for some reason. If you wish upon a star your dream comes true. If I just want it hard enough… well then maybe I can pretend I don’t have anxiety anymore, or depression, or trauma. Maybe Oprah has a guest celebrity that will fix you. Magical thinking is when you believe that if you think hard enough you can move that coin with your mind. Or change your life with a gimmick. We all want change and we want it yesterday.
In counselling this kind of stuff takes a long time. The process you can probably guess – I begin to work through my own insecurities and the sick reasons I can’t move forward, including letting go of my need to stay stuck, my need for approval, my fear of the pain. We talk about lowering expectations and about assessing our relationships in the harsh light of objectivity. Once we understand the “why”, the “how” usually works itself out. It’s about acceptance and time and grief. Like most things, attitude changes everything. Once I change what I want, it’s easier to stop coping mechanisms I no longer need or desire. And that’s the key, though a very hard one to actually learn. How do I learn to change what I want (if I don’t want to)?
When you are in a situation that isn’t working I often recommend starting with the DBT concept of “Radical Acceptance“. I learn to see my situation for what it really is, no bullshit, no excuses, no insecurities, no lies or illusions or fake expectations. I usually need help from my counsellor/friend for that. It’s hard to be objective from the inside.I pitched this article to my friend Lori, a fellow blogger and friend in the real world. We had been talking about sideways solutions, as I call them. Sideways Solutions are all about looking at things differently, through a new lens. I’m speaking at a gig next month about this very thing. I call the talk, “Going Rogue”. Simply put, I have long been fascinated by The Trickster in folklore and have endeavoured to incorporate that outside-the-box thinking in life. Apple, the most financially valuable commodity on earth, sold billions with the moniker, “Think Different”. I believe in going at things sideways. Creativity usually takes me where logic fails to go. Lori reminded me of this earlier today.
Letting go rarely involves telling your story again and again. It’s difficult, when our lives are ruined, not to fixate on the problems. Stress is consuming, so is debt or relational problems or chronic pain. When you are low there is a temptation to employ those Cognitive Distortions we talk about so very much. We are focused on the problem, overwhelmed. We make decisions based on emotion. We become trapped in a verbal and emotional feedback loop. We say the word “but” more than we probably should. We pretend everything is going to magically work out.
There are times when moving beyond is really about moving beyond. We need to focus on something, anything, rather than our grief or anger or pain or disappointment. We become outward focussed again. We begin to spend less time replaying the tapes. This last part is very important because there comes a point in the journey when you need to write new stories. I know you cannot let go of that thing, I couldn’t either. Ask anyone who knows me, they can tell you. Been there, done that, spilled hot sauce on the t-shirt. I wore my brokenness like a badge of honour. I was determined to go down with the ship.
Sideways solutions don’t feel natural. It’s normal to lay on the couch and feel hopeless. It’s completely normal, when you are depressed or grieving or (insert personal hell here), to lack motivation and get winded walking to the fridge. Many counsellors will tell you that in order to get “better” you will need discipline. I have a difficult time with this when I’m happy, let alone depressed. That’s why, when clients describe how stuck they feel or alone or hopeless I often talk about going to college. My pop is 76 and in university. The aforementioned Lori has become an art historian, and a bard, and a bunch of other things that she discovered at university. I like to talk about Europe, and philosophy, and science, and history. You might feel a great deal better from studying neurochemistry than you ever would taking an SSRI. Sideways solutions. I couldn’t stop crying once – so I started to listen to audiobooks. You should see my collection. That may not float your boat but it saved my life more than any counselling ever did. Some people garden. Shirley makes amazing quilts. Some of my other friends have become soul coaches or knitters or experts in the hippie arts.
As we say in the business, “too much head time is bad time”. If you cannot turn off those voices in your head maybe you need to go about it sideways.
scott-williams.ca 
Great post…a little difficult to embrace, but I’m listening!
Thank you Scott right on the money again! Nice to hear my quilts are amazing 😊. I am also listening to audio books. Beats sleeping pills!
my divorce and custody litigation have transformed me into a human rights activist…i did the opposite of letting go… i completing aligned my life to solve the inhuman bio politics of child law in europe…. i am a us expat in poland and can tell you it is hell…the arbitrary and capricious abuse of judicial discretion are reprehensible. the brave daddy group organization publicly advocate forcible taking of thier children…. in the usa a movement called divorce corp is working on legislative form…it is a mess everywhere….dont let go….fight until the system must let go and face punishment for all the moral and material damages caused by the signifigant disadvantge we as individuals suffer…think about that before you comfort yourself sideways…
Reblogged this on Protective Mothers' Alliance International and commented:
Excellent post .
Reblogged this on World4Justice : NOW! Lobby Forum..
Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
OMG Scott did it again! Another great post from Scott (by now 1/2 of you should be following him because I reblog so many of his posts so sorry if you have already read this post)
I have written about this myself many times but it is always worth repeating, and sometimes worded in a different way something clicks.
Lately there have been a few people stuck on grief (and the sofa) and I thought they gain something from this post.
BTW for me it has always been gardening or any activity where I make something beautiful with my hands and get almost immediate visual gratification for my efforts
Thanks Carrie, love your blog.
Your observations are so on the mark. Thank you for this very helpful post!
Again spot on and at the correct timing.I am back in school.still thinking why he left and trying to grasp that he is never coming back.which my brain knows it’s for the best.but my heart doesn’t.so in between of replaying the tape, I would say for the millionth time now…I went to an exam.Still feeling sad and broken.But maybe just a bit less.And that makes all the difference.Thank you.
Thank you, this was really good to hear. Re-blogging it. Let me know if I may post it full. Lou