Tag: expectations

You Don’t Even Know Me!

Published on by Scott Williams8 Comments

Many men have no idea how to really pleasure a women.

Time after time in marriage counseling the female will turn to her spouse and, with a deep level of frustration, tell their man that he doesn’t know anything about women. “You don’t even know me. You don’t know how to please me sexually, you’ve never spent the time to learn about my body, my desires and my needs.”

For a man to hear he is a poor lover is a very bitter pill to swallow; especially in front of a counselor.

Almost without exception the man will look dumbfounded and confused and will have difficulty understanding what she has said. He is also extremely frustrated. She doesn’t seem as romantic as she once was. She constantly sends out mixed signals which he cannot decipher correctly. He has been shut down so many times he is now afraid to initiate anything.

The woman will often go on to say, usually in very hurtful tones, that she views sex as a duty, devoid of the passion it once had. He is not the only partner that is frustrated. Many men appear to lack the ability to understand what makes a woman tick; their needs, their hopes and the way they relate sexually and emotionally. I have met few men who have spent the necessary time to find out about their lovers anatomy or her sexual and romantic preferences. I’m not blaming men exclusively, this issue strikes to the heart of our insecurities and most of us have no idea how and where to learn about women except from the twisted perspective we have seen in pornography. What guy is going to ask his buddies for sexual advice? We’ve been lying about our sexual prowess for years and we’re not about to admit that we don’t know how to satisfy a woman.

It is tragic that men really have no idea where to turn to learn and they are afraid to ask. It’s time to pull back the curtain and be honest with each other. In my couples groups I challenge men to learn about their ladies. I challenge women to teach their man about what pleases them. I encourage women to talk about the role of trust, safety and the need to feel affirmed and connected before romance, because a majority of men have no idea what I’m talking about right now, and how important these things are to women. A shocking number of men do not appreciate or understand such elementary female parts as the clitoris. They continue to think that women are instantly ready for sex even after a psychologically draining day or commitments, arguments, and hassles.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if couples could put aside their insecurity and shame and see this as an opportunity, not just a problem – a challenge, even a dare, to find out the most intimate physical and emotional details of the person that means the most to you – with some amazing homework! There are even websites and hundreds of books dedicated to helping men understand what apparently is uncharted territory.

What a challenge. What an adventure! Women teach your man, you’ll be glad you did. Men, humble yourself enough to ask. Work on this together, you’re worth it.

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Emotional Vampires

Published on by Scott Williams6 Comments

 

Got blood?Know any emotional vampires?

You know the type – they suck the emotional life right out of you. They are the victims, the needy; the person with a hole in their heart you can never hope to fill. Most of us know someone like this, many of us are in a relationship or related to at least one. Some of us work for one. No matter what the connection they never seem to get enough, you can never seem to give enough.

They come in many shapes and sizes – from the passive-aggressive relative who constantly makes you feel guilty about not paying enough attention to them, to the romantic interest who can’t live without you and needs you to constantly emotionally carry them. Emotional vampires are everywhere. They are takers.

There are three kinds of relationships in this world. There are those people who, after you have spent time together you feel refreshed, more alive. There are those people who are neutral; being with them is a wash. Then there are the vampires. They drain your emotional tank, and if you are not careful they will suck you dry.

For years I did not understand the importance of my emotional tank. I was taking martial arts and working out. I was reading and learning and growing as a person. I had an active and engaging spiritual/philosophical life. So why was I battling a low grad depression? Why didn’t I care about people like I used to? I didn’t understand that I had an emotional tank that I was constantly taking withdrawals from and not replenishing. I had no one who was filling my tank. Like many of you I was raised to get much of my self-esteem from helping people. Nothing was more important than being needed and meeting needs. Unfortunately I had no way of knowing that there is an endless number of people who wanted a piece of me. There is literally no end to the number of people who need help.

Those of you who are caretakers have it the worst. In my groups I will turn to the women at this point and ask how many of them are mothers? Undoubtedly most will raise their hands. Then I will usually say, “And you moms are the worst.” Why? Because mothers seem to be trained to be givers, to love and live sacrificially. They are the worst at self-care. They are the least selfish. While this is a wonderful character trait is can be a psychologically damaging way to live. You are constantly giving with regard to your own emotional tank. Is it any wonder than that so many middle-aged people are battling meaninglessness and depression? So many of us have emotionally burned out. We have nothing left to give.

So I ask you the same question I endeavor to ask myself on a regular basis – How is your emotional tank? Are you taking care of yourself? Do you equate self-care with selfishness? Do you feel guilty doing things for yourself?

Have any vampires in your life?

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You Aren’t As Good As You Think You Are

Published on by Scott Williams8 Comments

My wife is ‘frigid’.

Really?

I have known many men who accuse their wife of being frigid, of not wanting sex. Conversely, I have spoken to women who have stated that their man has no idea what women’s needs are, that plop into bed at midnight, and even though they have virtually ignored their partner all day cannot understand why the woman is not immediately “into it”. They have told me that their man doesn’t realize that sexual intimacy is a very invasive, emotionally complex experience, and that women have different needs then men when it comes to sex.

Unfortunately, the majority of women I talk to over thirty years of age think that they have an obligation to have sex with their husband because he is frustrated and apparently needs her to fulfill his physiological need. Many male partners are also whiny, make passing remarks about their unfulfilled needs, and tend to emotionally blackmail their partners until they give in.

Sadly these women often report that they rarely engage in meaningful sexual intimacy; that the whole episode is over in minutes, and their needs are rarely, if ever, met. It is nothing short of astounding how many women, who have been with their partner for years and decades, have resigned themselves to a ritual that no longer carries much meaning.

What is the problem? Are these women simply frigid? Or is something else going on?

psychologist Asiphe Ndlela ties lack of sexual interest to a woman’s relationship with her partner. Ndlela says men need a place for having sex, women need a purpose.

“Female sexuality is complex. At its core is a need for closeness and intimacy. Women also have physical needs. When there is an emotional or physical problem, they can have sexual problems.”

She says a lack of interest in sex can also be triggered by family problems, illness or death, financial or job worries, in-law problems, childcare responsibilities, managing a career and children, previous or current physical and/or emotional abuse, past history of sexual abuse, fatigue and depression.

Men don’t usually struggle with such issues where sex is involved. If you show up naked we’re usually good to go. Men are microwaves. Just turn us on and we are heated up and ready to go. Women are more like slow cookers. They often take some time to warm up but tend to keep things quite hot once they do. I read an article by one therapist this week who insisted that men should never engage in sexual romance with their female partner unless they are willing to spend forty minutes to help their partner enjoy themselves. That is amazing advice. Men also need to realize that for women there is a stronger emotional component and issues such as stress, work, relationships and problems can have an effect on her libido.

Men, take the time to find out how your wife is doing before you suggest romance. Make sure you are available to talk and connect. Become a student of your wife’s needs and pleasures. If you really want to find out how to make your wife happy why not ask her? You might be very glad you did!

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Lowering Your Expectations

Published on by Scott Williams6 Comments

Do you want to be happy in life and with your relationships? Lower your expectations!

Most of us grow up believing we are going to be rich, or famous, or at least happy. It seems, however, that the real world rarely lives up to our expectations.

Jerry Seinfeld (character)I love how Jerry Seinfeld sums up the problem with the real world: “The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda commercial people – where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? 

“We have soda, we have soda, we have soda”, jumping, laughing, flying through the air – it’s a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you’re watching TV and you’re drinking the exact same product that they’re advertising right there on TV, and it’s like, you know, they’re spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I’m standing there – “Maybe I’m putting too much ice in mine?”

Though many people in the addictions field don’t speak about boredom and the real world, it remains one of the main reasons recovering addicts relapse. They have lived in a world of adventure and the real world moves very slow. In short, it’s boring. The typical day used to start with cravings and emotionalism, they would spend time looking for a means to buy drugs, go to the deal, do the deal, take the drugs, zone out for a period of time, come down, clean up, and go to bed. Compare that to the heroine addict who goes on a Methadone program. He or she gets up, goes to the pharmacy, gets a Dixie cup of methadone, drinks it… now what? It’s 8:30 in the morning and your schedule is done.

Believe what you want about substance use, it does fill up your day. Most recovering addicts complain that ‘normie land’ is boring, slow, and generally a let-down.

Let’s be honest, they are right. The real world is not like it is on television. Your job, no matter what that is, is usually a series of days you will probably not remember. That new car is exciting for a week or two then it’ just a car. Even relationships get stale after a while.

I’m trying to lower my expectations.

I was ADHD before it was cool. The world seemed to move at a snail’s pace. Even now, as a full grown adult I find most days are just… ok. It is tempting to become despondent and self-medicate, or give up, or get bitter. It is also tempting to feel that life is unfair, that things haven’t turned out the way they were supposed to in my childhood fairytale. I can rail and cry and take all the Cipralex I want, things may not turn into Game Of Thrones. There may be no more dragons to slay or maidens to rescue and somehow, some way, I need to learn to be ok with that.

I have come to believe that, at least for me, maturity and wisdom has something to do with learning to be content in spite of my outside world. I have seen firsthand how, when I lower the emotional impact of my expectations of my partner, my children, my work, and my world, that I am able to be more at peace. I am trying to get to that point in my marriage, for example, where I have no expectations of my wife. If she shows up I’m happy. She is crazy enough to love me and want to share life with me so what else can I ask? I’m not there yet but I have noticed that, as I endeavor to change my way of thinking, it is making a difference in my life.

Cognitive Therapy teaches us to realize that changing our mind may be better than trying to change our actions. If we can do this then our actions become more authentic and flow out of who we are, not how we feel. Change your mind and your ass will follow. As I begin to shift my focus from my unreasonable demands, as I learn to take care of myself before pushing my agenda on others, as I take the time to develop an attitude of gratitude and as Covey said, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood”; than slowly my world begins to change.

“Life is a journey not a destination”, they say. It is never too late to transform your life, if you are willing to put in the work.