You Don’t Even Know Me!

Many men have no idea how to really pleasure a women.

Time after time in marriage counseling the female will turn to her spouse and, with a deep level of frustration, tell their man that he doesn’t know anything about women. “You don’t even know me. You don’t know how to please me sexually, you’ve never spent the time to learn about my body, my desires and my needs.”

For a man to hear he is a poor lover is a very bitter pill to swallow; especially in front of a counselor.

Almost without exception the man will look dumbfounded and confused and will have difficulty understanding what she has said. He is also extremely frustrated. She doesn’t seem as romantic as she once was. She constantly sends out mixed signals which he cannot decipher correctly. He has been shut down so many times he is now afraid to initiate anything.

The woman will often go on to say, usually in very hurtful tones, that she views sex as a duty, devoid of the passion it once had. He is not the only partner that is frustrated. Many men appear to lack the ability to understand what makes a woman tick; their needs, their hopes and the way they relate sexually and emotionally. I have met few men who have spent the necessary time to find out about their lovers anatomy or her sexual and romantic preferences. I’m not blaming men exclusively, this issue strikes to the heart of our insecurities and most of us have no idea how and where to learn about women except from the twisted perspective we have seen in pornography. What guy is going to ask his buddies for sexual advice? We’ve been lying about our sexual prowess for years and we’re not about to admit that we don’t know how to satisfy a woman.

It is tragic that men really have no idea where to turn to learn and they are afraid to ask. It’s time to pull back the curtain and be honest with each other. In my couples groups I challenge men to learn about their ladies. I challenge women to teach their man about what pleases them. I encourage women to talk about the role of trust, safety and the need to feel affirmed and connected before romance, because a majority of men have no idea what I’m talking about right now, and how important these things are to women. A shocking number of men do not appreciate or understand such elementary female parts as the clitoris. They continue to think that women are instantly ready for sex even after a psychologically draining day or commitments, arguments, and hassles.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if couples could put aside their insecurity and shame and see this as an opportunity, not just a problem – a challenge, even a dare, to find out the most intimate physical and emotional details of the person that means the most to you – with some amazing homework! There are even websites and hundreds of books dedicated to helping men understand what apparently is uncharted territory.

What a challenge. What an adventure! Women teach your man, you’ll be glad you did. Men, humble yourself enough to ask. Work on this together, you’re worth it.

8 thoughts on “You Don’t Even Know Me!

    1. Then teach him about your body and how to please you! Christ, you can’t blame men entirely for your bad sex life if you’re not willing to communicate what you want from them.

      1. I teach in my courses that men would like to learn but suck at asking and have a lot of ego involved. My wife helped me alot, just takes some humility.
        What a great classroom!…

  1. “Hope Springs” is a great new movie about when a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man, but that don’t communicate any more, especially not in the bedroom.

  2. What REALLY gets me are women who’ll be with a man for years, have what she regards as “crap sex”, suffer in silence with him but complain about it to all her friends (and later to a counselor) that he’s a crap lover.

    Has she told this man what she wants? No. Has she told him what to do to her so that he’ll please her sexually? No. Has she done her part in teaching him how to make her cum? No. Why? Cause an alarming amount of women refuse to talk about that kind of thing – and yet reserve the right to complain when it turns out a) he’s not psychic and b) doesn’t have a previously laid out map of her body that he’s taken a master’s degree in.

    I’ve listened to women complain about this and asked them if they’ve played their part. They haven’t. “Because it’s embarrassing” or “I don’t really know” (well, get a vibrator and find out!)
    I’ve also listened to men complaining that their women are complaining and asked them if they’ve had the “so, what do you like?” conversation. They haven’t. “Because she doesn’t wanna talk about that.”

    Why why WHY not?

    Seriously, ladies, guess what: It’s not always the man’s “fault” that you’re not getting a happy ending. At the end of the day it’s your own business whether you enjoy sex. Make it your own business to get an orgasm. If you don’t know what you like, find out. Time to get your heads out of the dark ages and just be open about it. If he doesn’t do what you want, tell him what you want. Trust me, most men are delightful creatures who loves to take directions in order to feel like a superhero lover.


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