You Aren’t As Good As You Think You Are

My wife is ‘frigid’.

Really?

I have known many men who accuse their wife of being frigid, of not wanting sex. Conversely, I have spoken to women who have stated that their man has no idea what women’s needs are, that plop into bed at midnight, and even though they have virtually ignored their partner all day cannot understand why the woman is not immediately “into it”. They have told me that their man doesn’t realize that sexual intimacy is a very invasive, emotionally complex experience, and that women have different needs then men when it comes to sex.

Unfortunately, the majority of women I talk to over thirty years of age think that they have an obligation to have sex with their husband because he is frustrated and apparently needs her to fulfill his physiological need. Many male partners are also whiny, make passing remarks about their unfulfilled needs, and tend to emotionally blackmail their partners until they give in.

Sadly these women often report that they rarely engage in meaningful sexual intimacy; that the whole episode is over in minutes, and their needs are rarely, if ever, met. It is nothing short of astounding how many women, who have been with their partner for years and decades, have resigned themselves to a ritual that no longer carries much meaning.

What is the problem? Are these women simply frigid? Or is something else going on?

psychologist Asiphe Ndlela ties lack of sexual interest to a woman’s relationship with her partner. Ndlela says men need a place for having sex, women need a purpose.

“Female sexuality is complex. At its core is a need for closeness and intimacy. Women also have physical needs. When there is an emotional or physical problem, they can have sexual problems.”

She says a lack of interest in sex can also be triggered by family problems, illness or death, financial or job worries, in-law problems, childcare responsibilities, managing a career and children, previous or current physical and/or emotional abuse, past history of sexual abuse, fatigue and depression.

Men don’t usually struggle with such issues where sex is involved. If you show up naked we’re usually good to go. Men are microwaves. Just turn us on and we are heated up and ready to go. Women are more like slow cookers. They often take some time to warm up but tend to keep things quite hot once they do. I read an article by one therapist this week who insisted that men should never engage in sexual romance with their female partner unless they are willing to spend forty minutes to help their partner enjoy themselves. That is amazing advice. Men also need to realize that for women there is a stronger emotional component and issues such as stress, work, relationships and problems can have an effect on her libido.

Men, take the time to find out how your wife is doing before you suggest romance. Make sure you are available to talk and connect. Become a student of your wife’s needs and pleasures. If you really want to find out how to make your wife happy why not ask her? You might be very glad you did!

8 thoughts on “You Aren’t As Good As You Think You Are

  1. Sure Scott, it’s inevitably the man’s fault for being a callous pig. Women never bait and switch to get married. Men should learn to do without, or be happy masturbating like teenagers. Your advice here may apply to some situations but it does nothing to help men who are trying their very best with a woman whose capacity to truly love is stunted.

    1. Fair enough, though I like to pretend that people can get a generalized feel of the various pieces I throw out there, not just the stand-alone narrative. I can feel what you’re saying on a visceral level. While it may not be politically correct to talk of it, women carry a measure of blame in intimacy, few of us are completely innocent. This particular piece probably offers no help to men to are experiencing what you describe but please don’t assume that I want to diminish what you are going through. I know firsthand the effects of an unaffectionate or emotionally-challenged spouse on the one trying desperately to connect. That is a very painful life, no doubt. Trying to make a partner happy who is unwilling or unable to fully engage emotionally feels impossible and it can be soul destroying. Of that I have no doubt.

  2. I think I was almost thirty before I figured out that men needed sex to feel good about themselves and women need to feel good about themselves to experience good sex. I will say that late in life, things do change some. Perhaps it’s hormonal changes, but discovered that sex really is a good stress reliever sometime with no need for deep meaning, build up, or verbal intimacy. Who knew?

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