As a counselor I hear many many stories about people’s sex lives, or lack thereof. Most people, once trust is built are willing to talk about pretty much anything. I will hear the typical complaints – men who have not taken the time to to understand and fulfill their partner’s sexual needs. Men who have been “cut off” for no apparent reason and cannot comprehend what they are doing wrong. Women who have rarely or never had an orgasm and believe (usually incorrectly) that somehow this is their sexual or gynecological failing (also almost never true). I have written about, and will continue to write about, the need to address these issues, especially when female sexual fulfillment is involved. A shockingly high percentage of women in therapy, for example, have had few orgasms that they have not brought about themselves. Another topic I address frequently is the relatively low percentage of men who have any idea what is going on inside their partner’s head and the impact of the female thinking process on their capacity to engage in a meaningful sexual way.
One issue I love to talk about, as distressing as it is to admit, is the overwhelming selfishness of the male orgasm. Earlier this fall I mentioned a group I do for couples wherein I challenge the men in the room to abstain from “finishing” for at least a month or longer while they wholeheartedly concentrate exclusively on servicing and nurturing their partner. As men we are not trained to think like this. None of us have ever heard such heresy before. Not climaxing during sex in absolutely foreign to the vast majority of us, virtually every male I have ever met.
But every once in a while even I am still able to be shocked.
Someone I trust once told me a story of a couple where the husband “needed” sex every day of their marriage. Every day. Pig. After the birth of their child it was, while she was still in the hospital recovering from a natural child-birth, and probably an episiotomy to boot, that he crawled up to satiate himself. What a sick bastard. What abuse. That man did not truly love his wife, and if you think I am being judgmental then so be it. That is not a real man, that is a sexual violator who has chained his wife to a bondage of sexual abuse from which she may never recover.
Men don’t need sex every day. They may want it but such a belief or custom is the sure sign of an emotionally shunted, selfish post-adolescent, with little or no self-control and even less respect for the woman he has dominated. He knows nothing about satisfying a woman, nothing about understanding female sexuality, and makes me so angry I would love to kick him in the balls until the abuse ends.
And that is my clinical therapeutic assessment.
7 thoughts on “Ashamed To Be A Guy”
Seriously, tell us what you really think. I am actually amazed to read such a forthright article coming from a male–quite refreshing actually. Although I have to say that as a women I would think something was wrong if my partner did not climax during sex. I get pleasure from knowing that I can give pleasure as well. I am not one of those, it’s ok we can just cuddle type of women but I do see where constant demands for sex without considereing the partner would be abuse.
It is truly not nice to have sex straight after childbirth. Nice to know the feelings of another man on this issue. It is something I haven’t spoken of to anyone before. I don’t think even on my blog. Doesn’t feel right while trying to breastfeed either. Nice to know that it is not something that every man would do. Besides the pain or discomfort it is downright exhausting.
That story was disturbing, but not completely foreign. Thanks for the validation in my own thinking. It *is* wrong and sick. Glad to hear it from a professional perspective.
that is one of the more disturbing stories I have heard… I am thankful to hear a guy say that is wrong and sick!
I was dominated…and demeaned…and had no idea that I deserved more or better….I thought I was supposed to submit…I thought the tears didn’t matter…I never said no…for 13 years, he apologized after every time…3-4 times a week for all those years…Thank you for this post…