Casual Friday – The Speedo

It starts with what Augustine calls “undeceiving ourselves”.

A jammer style swimming suit next to a speedo ...

Recently we were at the West Edmonton Mall and there was one lone holdout to a grosser time. One man wearing a Speedo.

Men. If you read nothing else on this blog please hear this. If you wear a Speedo we need to be honest with you. It’s gross. It’s disgusting. It’s pretty much naked… and not in a good way. We can see your basket is full, no matter how small or impish. It’s time to let it go… to undeceive yourself.

You aren’t French. Let it go…

Many of us, myself included, have spent a lifetime learning to undeceive ourselves. Some of us grew up believing things would turn out differently. We believed in the fairytale ending that was promised, but not delivered.

I never talk publicly about my ex-wife, until today. We were together since I was fourteen and she was my god. I worshiped the ground she walked on and even today have difficulty thinking ill of her. I loved her to distraction. She had only one glaring flaw, she was completely closed off emotionally. People who knew her for years admitted they had no idea who she really was. She didn’t show emotions in public. She didn’t show emotions at home. By the time she ran away with one of my best friends I was a needy, pathetic, love-seeking man-boy. I kept the kids, the house, most of her clothes. She didn’t seem to want anything. Especially not me.

When she left I had no idea she had a problem, any problems for that matter. I assumed she was completely happy, I know I was. It didn’t seem to matter that I could be away on a speaking gig for a week and come home to someone who didn’t seem to realize I had been away. In my needy way I served and served, pathetically trying to be loved. When she finally left she wrote me a nine page letter. I believed every word of it.

I spent a great deal of time sorting myself out. I learned how dysfunctional I was. I had presumed I knew what my wife was thinking and feeling, but I was profoundly wrong. So I spent countless hours researching women – their emotions, their sexuality, their philosophies. I endeavored to become a student of the opposite sex. I went to counseling, with a very bad counselor. I tried to be mother and father to my boys. I learned to undeceive myself, it took years. By the time I met my someday-to-be wife I had sorted some things out. I continue to sort.

After more than a few years I am married again to a woman who reminds me everyday that I am loved and appreciated. I am no longer needy, although I deserve little credit. It is much easier to become healthy and whole when you have an amazing and brutally honest mate cheering you on. I believe profoundly that I need to share the message with women that not all men are pigs. Not all of us are emotionally unavailable. There are men who are willing to do whatever it takes to love you well, they just need to be taught. We are not dumb, we are simply not paper-trained. I also feel that there is a message for men. We were not raised to understand women, or each other for that matter. It’s time for men to suck it up, grow up, and live sacrificially.

The most important lessons are not learned in the classroom. The most important lessons are learned in pain.

I still believe in fairy tale endings. In real fairy tales, however, my tale is a little beaten up, more honest, and balder.

I still do not believe in Speedos.

14 thoughts on “Casual Friday – The Speedo

  1. As someone who has been happily married for 32 years (to the same person 🙂 ), I found wisdom in your post. While partners may not always be on the “same page” emotionally, or in any other way, the key is to care enough to truly make an effort to make your marriage work. In the scheme of things, I’ve found it’s not a hard thing to do. If you love your spouse, you tell him/her; you let him/her know he/she is appreciated, and you make each other your number one priority. It works.Oh, and I hate speedos also :).

  2. The Speedo in West Ed Mall is absolutely hilarious! Real life never fails to amaze and often amuse me. Thank you for sharing your story. It inspires people like me, who still believe that guy is out there somewhere.

  3. It’s very refreshing to hear your story of undeceiving yourself and learning about women. My counselor told me that in her experience “men don’t work on themselves like women do”. That was just really depressing and I hoped more than a bit cynical and off the mark!

    Can you start a dating service so we can meet these men? LOL 🙂

  4. Wonderful post. I was raised by a dysfunctional mother who told me growing up not to trust men. However, the men I’ve met have largely been far kinder and emotionally available than my mother was. I don’t believe in gender stereotypes as far as the thinking-feeling division goes. People forget emotionally available people come in both sexes and some women can be very unavailable emotionally. As a woman I typically don’t share my opinions with everyone since they have a tendency to ruffle feathers 😉 Great mental image of the guy in a Speedo by the way *LOL* 😛

  5. You would go insane in Australia! The Speedo for men is like the thong is for Brazillian women. It has a slang term: “Budgie smuggler”. The ones you guys wear there are called “board shorts” here and the unifo for summer, plus for surfers. Different cultures and their practices are so interesting.

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