He Probably Had It Coming…

Let me start out by saying I was raised to never hit a woman… ever. I think husbands and boyfriends who hit their spouses are pigs and cowards. Please do not write me and accuse me of treating the subject of violent men flippantly. Take a look at this blog and ask yourself if I let men off the hook too lightly.

Lately, however, I have been noticing an equally disturbing trend in domestic violence – wives/girlfriends beating their spouses.

I was commenting about this to someone recently and they immediately went on the offense. They started out by saying “he probably deserved it.” They went on to say further, “well what did he do to her?”


I find it intriguing that when I have been involved in domestic situations where a woman is battered those questions never come up. Ever. They are political suicide to ask, bordering on slander. Only a misogynistic douchebag would hint that a woman had it coming. Yet it seems perfectly acceptable to ask when the victim is a man.

I would have to admit that I hear of an alarming number of situations involving a battering wife/girlfriend. It’s shocking and something you never talk about. After all, what kind of man would complain? Is he a wimp? Surely she was protecting herself.

This is overt sexism and absolutely unacceptable. I have heard of men being hit with the car, beaten with cast iron, knives being thrown, kicked between the legs, faces slapped on a regular basis. I personally know several men who are afraid of their spouse, demoralized and emasculated. In counseling these men question their masculinity, even their sexuality. They cannot talk to any friends about this, for fear they will be belittled or accused of violence themselves. One man told me he feels “physically, emotionally, and sexually violated” by his wife. These same men were taught to never hit a woman and so complain that they have no defense against violence. They somehow have come to the conclusion that, in order to be a “real man”, they must take it and keep silent.

Recently I have also had clients who are in a lesbian relationship and feeling the sting of physical and emotional violence. They are also unsure of how to handle the situation. They have also struggled to be heard. Transgender people have long felt the sting as well. We all know about the abuse of gay men.

It is a horrible thing when relationships end in violence, and it is certainly no more acceptable for a woman to be physically violent than a man. I am seriously afraid that someday a man will retaliate after being struck by a female – then beat her up – charge her with assault – and win. This could open up the doors to rampant abuse and violence.

It’s time to stop the cycles of violence wherever they occur.

14 thoughts on “He Probably Had It Coming…

  1. Thanks so much for sharing your insight. This opens a door of curiosity and deep compassion for me, and I’m so grateful for finding your blog today.

    With love,

  2. I know someone that this happened to. He is a 3rd degree black belt in karate but would never retaliate because of his morals. Mercifully, he finally left her, left all of his possessions behind and walked away from the house, and started over with nothing. He is an incredible human being.

  3. being a girl i have always heard about physical assualt on women but today i am shocked to know that men also go through such things…..so there is simply one solution to this problem…..u can hit someone if she or he provokes you….you wont be punished for that….and one should NEVER EVER keep quite about such situations….tell as many peolple as you can…..because public humiliation is truly wonderful…..it can make the person feel guilty….and make him or her realise….tell any authority ! it always work…

  4. I agree, Scott. Society’s push for equality has somehow turned into a push for entitlement of the minorities. If a man is being beaten, he had it coming. If a woman is being beaten, she’s a victim. Same goes for racial, country of origin, and socioeconomic differences. Instead of teaching our children that all people are created equal and so we should not only treat them all with the same level or respect, but expect a level of dignity in return – we are teaching them how to “get away” with things by using victimization. It is truly disturbing.

  5. Good on you, Scott, for raising this issue. I totally agree with you that it is “no more acceptable for a woman to be physically violent than a man”. The same applies to emotional and verbal abuse such as putting his/her partner down, damaging their property, controlling his/her contact with family and friends, using sex as a weapon, treating him/her as he/she were a boarder, locking her/him in or out of the house, making false allegations of violence against him/her, threatening to take away children etc. etc. etc. Maggie Hamilton wrote a very good book on that subject called “What Men Don’t Talk About” however lots of issues raised in this book can equally apply to women and same sex couples.

    “It’s unfortunate more men don’t come forward, but not enough women do either”, as Melanie pointed out in her comment. Hopefully by talking freely on such matters we’ll be able to help all men and women feel, that they can raise such issues, that they will find understanding in the society and support.

  6. Coming from a country where violence has become the norm I have grown to hate it in any form. In the areas where the Coloured (a group unto themselves when it comes to violence) it is common for women to stab men. On the news here at the momement is the story of a buullied school boy who got sick of it, went home to get his mothers gun, not dad’s, and shot the bully dead. As I say violence in any form I detest. Thanks for the article.

  7. People seem to have trouble grasping the idea that violence IS unacceptable, save in self-defense. Unfortunately, there is a tendency, whether it is articulated or not, to assume the victim somehow ‘had it coming’….whether it is a wife, a husband, or a bullied child.

  8. Great post. They actually highlight this issue on Coronation Street. Tyrone gets beat up by his partner Kristy and he feels too ashamed to tell anyone. His partner threatens him to leave and take their baby if he tells anyone. It’s really an excellent piece of acting they both do. If you get Coronation Street maybe tune in and watch if you’re curious. They do a very good job and don’t trivialize Tyrone’s suffering.

  9. It’s not okay…it’s not acceptable…any form of abuse, no matter if it is a man or woman inflicting it upon a man or woman (same sex couples are not immune from abuse), is not acceptable. No one “deserves” it…no one ‘has it coming’…everyone deserves support. Thank you for shedding light on domestic abuse.

  10. So true. I know a couple with an acutely toxic relationship that involves her constantly, relentlessly attacking him emotionally. I ask him if he’d put up with it if she did it physically, and he says no. And yet he’s utterly miserable, has lots of physical ailments that appear stress related, and his self esteem is crushed by the fact that he puts up with her not sleeping with him since they had their 25 year old son. No affection, no kisses, no indication that she even likes him, what with the way she’s always screaming and sneering at him. It’s his choice to stay, I know. Just so sad.

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