You have told him fifty times that your relationship is in trouble and you need to connect better emotionally. So why isn’t he trying? He doesn’t want you to nag or belittle him, you’ve tried and tried and he can’t get it. How much more obvious can you be? Why should you be the one trying again?
Counsel any woman in a heterosexual relationship long enough and these kinds of complaints will emerge. What is it about some spouses that they seem to care so little for emotional and relational intimacy? How did this relationship get so stale so fast?
Unfortunately the problem cannot not be entirely laid at his door step. What seems ridiculously obvious to you may not register the same way on his radar. He isn’t a woman and therefore cannot think like a woman. Only someone who has been living alone under a rock still believes that male and female brains are exactly alike. We understand on a cognitive level that we must speak in such a way as to be heard but this does not mean we know how to do this. He does not know what you mean by relational intimacy, for example. He has tried to “connect” a million times but you don’t seem to notice.
You aren’t talking Man-glish.
You want to connect more on an emotional level. You want to “talk”. I thought we have been talking. You haven’t shut up in twenty minutes. What the hell were you even talking about? I took you to dinner and a movie. How come you are still mad?
What many women fail to understand is that, for many men who have not grown up in a metrosexual environment, that ‘dinner and a movie’ thing was a sincere, even stretching expression of his emotionally availability, whatever that means. Many men have difficulty connecting on anything beyond the most shallow pool unless beer is involved. Dinner was his attempt to connect. Sad huh?
Sometimes that lousy attempt to connect was in fact the top of his game. He was playing his best card but you are still upset. What can he possibly say at this point to appease you/impress you? He’s already shot his best load and now he has to come up with a response that will diffuse your anger and convince you he knows what you are trying to yell at him. But he doesn’t.
Learning to think like someone else is an extremely important, albeit difficult skill to learn. Chances are your perfect plan to gradually win him over to your side hasn’t worked by now and you realize that relationships that aren’t working just get worse and worse. It is almost impossible, once a couple has grown apart and there is misunderstanding involved, for reconciliation to happen. We simply lose our will to keep fighting and it’s extremely difficult to get back.
Take a relationship course. Send for my free session on “Speaking Chick and Talking Dude. Read a book or listen to an mp3. Learning to understand your partner is like taking any foreign language, there are few shortcuts to literacy.
scott-williams.ca 
Relationships are too much to deal with. They’re only good for sex anyway.
I feel when people think that relationships comes automatically. We are told that relationships are what matter in life, or when your on your death bed your not going to think I wish i worked more but I wish I spent more time with my family and friends. So why don’t men and woman take the time to learn HOW to be in a relationship? I feel like people think it just comes automatically and no one ever does any research. We are so different but we were made to co exist. If people put half the time in their relationships as they do their jobs or hobbies, I think major differences in our homes and families would work!
Scott!! I would read anything you wrote! I would love, love, love to hear your thoughts and glean some of your wisdom. I am in the first healthy relationship I have (literally) ever been in in my entire life. It only took 40 years. That’s not bad, right? Anyway, I am so overwhelmingly analytical and I pick things apart in ways that I’m sure no human should ever do. I know that male and female brains are wired “completely” differently and I’m discovering that most guys are just really simple creatures. I don’t want to over analyze or question my guys’ every move. I want to understand how he ticks… The Lord God KNOWS he’s been patient with me; God BLESS him. I want to reciprocate and not make everything so BIG and theatrical. So you’re darn right I’ll read “Speaking Chick and Talking Dude.” How does one get their hands on this treasure???
Miss Ava 🙂
Scott,
I would love a copy of Speaking Chick and Talking Dude. everydaygurus@gmail.com
Also, Scott, i was wondering if I could interview you for a new blog I am working on. Let me know.
Kozo Hattori
yes to both. I’m just editing it now, didn’t think anyone would want it and some of it is still in point form for the e-book. i’ll have it done asap
I would like to read Speaking Chick and Talking like a Dude as well. Attachdi@gmail.com
will totally get it to you as soon as I finish fixing it, some of it is in point form so expounding upon
Would love to have a copy of Speaking Chick Talking Dude. Great blog …. Spent most of the morning reading your blog – wow so much info & very needed
“there are a few shortcuts to literacy” hahaha… how so absolutely right. Specially learned empathy 😀
Does “Speaking Chick and Talking like a Dude” help BOTH the man and the woman to bridge the gap (i.e. not just try to instruct the women to be more “understanding” of the guy – but also help the guy to start communicating in ways that can help bridge the gap)?
My firm belief in life now is: if a Dude can learn enough communication skills to have a successful career, then he should be able to learn how to bridge the gap in communication between males and females just as much as a female does. You obviously have communication skills. Other men can learn them too. If women are expected to “learn dude”, then men should be expected to “learn chick”. Just sayin’.
Of course. For sure.
I’m interested in the Speaking Chick and Talking like a Dude session too please. joytemporao@gmail.com
I think it runs a little deeper than that – someone is either emotionally intelligent or they aren’t…then again I’m a lady I can’t speak for most men but I do think most women go as far as to create charts with diagrams and pictures, and go through many motions to make sure that they are expressing themselves clearly…if he ‘can’t’ then perhaps the problem runs a little deeper than that. Your article resonated with me as I was caught up in a relationship with someone who just couldn’t understand…I’ve concluded it was not his ‘best’ game…his problem was he was too self absorbed to even care enough to get it…I was powerless over that. If men are incapable what hope is there for meaningful relationships with them? The bottom line for me…’empathy’…being able to put oneself in another’s shoes…if a woman says Dinner and a Movie bore me senseless, I’m not sure what other diagrams are needed to INDICATE that the strategy isn’t working…JUST how much responsibility has to keep falling on women to make things work…do men have any responsibility? I am of the opinion “Men Can’t” is a copout…I don’t expect a man to entirely move to my way of thinking but I’ve grown tired of the excuses…we’re supposed to understand that “Men Can’t”…what are men supposed to understand? Anything?
Haha, ‘man-glish.’
How do I get Speaking Chick and Talking like a Dude? Tara Tarachinn@aol.com
i’ll send it to you
Thank you very much. I look forward to reading it and your blogs !