Men And The Female Orgasm

Young Couple in Relationship Conflict

You understand how to fix your car. You can recite hockey stats like a scout. You understand renovations. You are good at your job. So why can’t you figure out a clitoris? The G-Spot? Do you really know if she’s faking it?

It is staggering the number of females in a longterm heterosexual marriage or relationship who tell me they rarely orgasm unless they do it themselves. The percentage is so high that I am nervous about how believable it would sound if I ventured a guess. The words, vast majority, have a truthful ring to them. Many women admit that they used to have more pleasure. Often women will tell me that their partner tries to pleasure them. More often than not, however, it’s tempting to just “lie back and dream of England”. So what is the big deal? Why is this so hard?

It really isn’t. It is, however, embarrassing to talk about for many people. I personally LOVE the idea of asking my wife to teach me, but some people don’t swing that way. Most men have learned sexual technique from pornography or trial-and-error or a bit of both. Someone did a study wherein they timed the average length of time it took a woman in pornography to display signs of intense pleasure. The average was somewhere around eleven seconds. I’m sorry but you simply aren’t that good. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship can tell you that sexual gymnastics settle down after a few years. Infatuation with the opposite sex drops a shocking 80% in that same time. Add kids or communication problems, weariness or stress, and it is going to take a lot longer than eleven seconds before a woman is even going to relax enough to allow the experience to blossom.

The female orgasm takes time. I never realized this years ago but women often report that they need to feel such bizarre things as “safe” and can “trust” before they can let themselves go. As a man it is hard to get my head around such things, but I do try to explain it to other men in a language they can understand. We don’t understand what you really mean by “safe”, but I have been able to explain to dudes how incredibly intimate and potentially violating the sexual act can be for women. As a man I cannot even imagine letting someone do something like that to me just so they will shut up and leave me alone.

Negotiating the female pleasure system can be daunting for men. We have no real teachers and frankly your plumbing can be confusing to the uninitiated. A surprising percentage of men do not know exactly how women pee and where it comes from, precisely. Add to this the confusion we sometimes feel about the female sexual-desire timeline, the way that women seem to behave differently in different circumstances (and we don’t know why), and your seemingly complex thought processes and beliefs about when and why sex is appropriate, and the result is a confused bunch of dudes who have no idea what they are doing. Again, we’re still trying to figure of your plumbing.

I’ll say this as plainly as possible – most men need to be taught how to pleasure a woman and why this is the most important job they have during sex. They need to learn to not be selfish, be taught how to put their needs last. Men have been raised to believe that their pleasure is really all that counts. We have had horrible teachers.

Take the time to talk about your parts. Play Show And Tell. Teach and learn. Learn by doing. Be humble. Take your time.

It will be worth it.

17 thoughts on “Men And The Female Orgasm

  1. i am a transhuman advocate, plus I identify as trans as well. Many of these things I find intriguing, as I specialise on studies of sexology, the human brain, evolution, and stuff like that. While I believe we’re about ten or twenty years away from allowing two minds to perceive one another, I think it would be safe to say that under hypnosis, a man can experience what a woman feels, only when certain conditions are met, and the proper levels of hormones and neurotransmitters are established.
    On How Stuff Works, a writer was explaining the details that someone had asked, ‘Are female orgasms essential to continuing the human species?’ Obviously, male and female genitalia differ a great deal, and with the complexity of the latter, it is no doubt hard to determine what a woman feels when they are excited, when they reach a plateau, when they orgasms, and undergo another orgasm, sometimes multiple times before they reach the resolution phase.
    Males feel a sense of want, of desire to satisfy themselves, which is like an addiction. Females tend to feel more excited, more aroused or pleasurable, which can also be addicting, but they have different internal and external sensations known as emotions.

  2. Scott, I think this is a great post because it is addressed to the male reader. However, I have to disagree with you on one point. You write, “We have no real teachers and frankly your plumbing can be confusing to the uninitiated.” Scott, there are tons of books out on the subject of female pleasure. I know I study sex. The real problem is not that men have no teachers it’s that they are just lazy. There are so so so many books out there that explain how female anatomy works, that explains the mind-body connection in females and males. For example, “Our Bodies Our Selves”, “The Clitorist”, “The Clitoral Truth”, “The Multi-Orgasmic Woman”, “The Multi-Orgasmic Couple”..ad infinitum. I have a whole library of books on the subject of sex. Everything I know about sex I learned in a book and then I tried it. There simply is no excuse for a man not knowing how to pleasure his partner other than sheer lazyness………..

    1. You make a really good point except for one thing – You would never catch me at a bookstore looking at “feelings” books growing up. Real men don’t watch Oprah.

      Amazing comment Ivonne

      1. Hmnn, then Scott don’t you think it’s high time you of the elder generation should start encouraging young men to read these books on feelings and female anatomy thus becoming the ‘teachers” for the new generation. As you stated in your post YOU did not have the teachers but since you have the awareness of the situation isn’t it time to move in a more pro-active fashion and become the teacher and mentor that your generation didn’t have?

  3. I teach anatomy and physiology at the college level and have also taught some sexual biology courses. I have always been surprised (because I never though of it) at my male students who would tell me they had felt pressure around sex, because everyone just assumes the man knows what he is doing. Given this context, the men were then fearful to ask questions or seek guidance with their partners, seeing that to do so, would mean they had somehow failed to “know everything” as expected. This openness from these students really led to some amazing class discussion.

  4. Brave and very interesting post! Especially a guy talking about our GSpot! 🙂

    Personally I only faked it as a young girl. As I got older and experimented with myself…that’s when the fun began! You have to know your own body first. After that your laughing and no longer have to fake anything!

    Plus men seem to think the GSpot is deep within yet its just after the entrance. Maybe that’s a bit too much info. Lol

    Great post! Hugs Paula xxx

  5. Scott, I could go on and on about this subject…and I’m not a bit shy. Women do need to feel safe. We need to feel safe that you dudes aren’t going to be doing the hokey pokey with us tonight…and then doing it with someone else tomorrow night…or the next. We need to feel safe that a man isn’t going to use us, violate us, and then go and tell his buddies of his conquests with us as soon as he gets the chance.

    We also need you guys to at least “pretend” that you really care about us too. After all, “you MUST seduce our minds before you ever attempt to seduce our bodies.”

    Sweet, affirming words are not bad either… but guys need to remember that we girls can “feel” whether you love us—or not. For me, I can tell by how and how frequently a guy kisses me during sex. I love to kiss. WOMEN “love” to kiss. This is the most erotic form of foreplay. Why guys don’t understand this is a freaking anomaly to me.

    I want my man to look at me, kiss me, pull me close to him, and “demonstrate” that he cherishes me… and that he would protect me and fight for me if it ever came down to it. I need to feel that and more… “then” I will throw down with the stuff you boys live out in your wildest, dirtiest fantasies. At that point an “orgasm” is “absolutely” going to happen. Moreover, at that point “many orgasms” are going to happen.

    I am a highly sexual woman. I always have been. And I’ve had GREAT sex in my life. However, I will swear to you on everything that is sacred to me that the GREAT sex has always been a mind, body, spirit experience with someone that I loved and perceived loved me.

    When I’m with the man I love and I “feel” that he loves me then be careful; if you’re in a 50 mile radius of where I am, transformers will blow and power grids will fail.

    Also, men need to communicate their likes and dislikes and take serious interest in ours as well. If you want to know what a woman likes or doesn’t like….just ask her! There is something so incredibly erotic about being able to talk about your needs with your partner “during” sex.

    Men and women are just wired differently. Overall, men have sex (even with someone they love) for physical reasons. On the other hand, it’s a very emotional experience for most women. When I’m with my man it’s like an out-of-body experience. It’s cosmic; like two souls intertwined….and I feel that in “each” and every cell of my being. But you can bet the farm that as soon as I feel like he’s taking me for granted or that we’re somehow growing apart… my orgasms CEASE.

    You see, I love sex more than anyone I know… but at the end of the day, I simply CANNOT give any more of myself to another human being. It’s my gift…and it’s the MOST I have to give. I wish guys would understand that. I really do.
    -Ava Elizabeth

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