Waiting for Change

Waiting-chorus-string-quartet-pianoAnd waiting.

I remember hearing the song, “Waiting On The World To Change” and thinking, that’s not going to happen anytime soon! Things tend to get worse before they get better, or so the maxim goes. What I have found is that things get ridiculously old before they change. Most of us spend day after day, month after month, even year after year desperately praying for change, until things slowly move. And we’re talking slowly. I don’t have any recollection of when I got out of my all-pervading, soul-stealing, life-draining, ‘who gives a crap about anyone or anything’ depression. There was no “ah ha!” moment, no prayer meeting that turned the corner, no epiphany, no medication, no counselling appointment that finally turned the tide. No conversation seemed to help at the time, though later it was obvious looking back that small change was beginning.

I remember, when I was grieving, going to see a really terrible religious counsellor. I went religious because I could get it cheaper. Mistake. Some religious counsellors are undoubtedly fabulous, but they never met this guy. I should have saved the money and bought a milkshake. NOTHING he said helped. But then again, nothing anyone could say at that point made much of a difference. He was extra pathetic inasmuch as he couldn’t keep confidences and literally ratted me out, exacerbating the situation exponentially. Long story short… he sucked. Sadly, many counsellors do. They go into this occupation to save the world and somehow fix their own dysfunction. They are rarely successful. By way of example, hundreds of addicts I have worked with, and we’re talking hundreds, are convinced six weeks into sobriety that they want to be a drug and alcohol counsellor, or work with youth. People love love love theoretically working with youth… until they work with one and realize that adults actually listen, most youth in counselling have no longer than five minutes of attention span (thank you every adolescent male for the stimulating conversation), and adults won’t attempt to give you a wedgie during your coffee time or fart out loud and blame you at Starbucks. These are, of course, only theoretical examples and I’m not really upset with that little puke who blamed me at the coffee shop I frequent almost daily by yelling and holding his nose, pointing and gagging. Completely theoretical.

Anyway… what were we talking about? Oh right, depression. Happy times.

Coming out the other side of depression seems to take forever. By the time someone lands in my office to actually deal with such things they usually are so far gone it can take months just to talk them into getting up in the morning. I never start by asking a depressed person to do much of anything. The key problem with depression, as I oft recite, is the lack of motivation. The number one thing you need to get out of depression is… motivation. So how do you get motivated to get motivated? Certainly not by going to a doctor who prescribes an hour or walking, journaling, or going out socially on dates. Such goals are laughable, in the beginning. Unfortunately doctors are left to diagnose and prescribe such maladies on a daily basis, while having little understanding of psychology or mental health in general. It simply isn’t really covered all that much in medical school. But again I digress.

I cannot point to a day when I felt better because there wasn’t one. Coming back from the living dead took years of reading and crying and praying and talking and talking and talking… and not a little bit of drinking, much to my chagrin. I don’t recommend taking a depressant for depression. It’s similar to smoking pot for your anxiety – short-term gain, long-term pain. Doctors recommend that too!

It is the same with trauma, anxiety, and much of the mental health spectrum. There is no fad diet or cleansing that really can make you whole again; no magic pill or medication that will solve your problems. Some of us desperately need to be medicated, but with an understanding that medication alone is rarely sufficient. What really needs to happen is time. Time to move beyond the raw beginning. Time to let all that good stuff you are learning congeal and begin to take effect. Healing takes time. Real healing always does.

I tell this to patients all the time. Even with the best counsellor change rarely happens overnight. I find, and this is not even remotely scientific, that my clients usually take about three months of intense therapy before stuff starts to vibrate. Six months to a couple of years to deal with trauma, or anxiety, or serious depression. Sorry to say but a combination of co-morbidities could require longer than that. Some of us know this, though it’s counselling suicide to speak of it out loud. “Short term interventions” that we were all teethed on in college are only relatively short, when compared with how long it takes to not get better. Consider then, if you will, that most extended health plans cover 5 or 6 counselling sessions. So why aren’t you better yet?

Depression is not necessarily a terminal illness. Neither is anxiety or trauma. What is true, is that they are not easy to overcome. It took me years, and I still bear the scars even today.




10 thoughts on “Waiting for Change

  1. Judy’s blog brought this post to my attention. I am so glad she shared your link. 10 years of counseling and I am still working on it. I will say that I am doing better than I was but sometimes it just sucks all my energy. Thanks for the reminder that some dark stuff has serious staying power. Thanks.

  2. Gerty, So glad to be able to help, but you are doing the work and it will pay off some day. You have come so far in 3 months! I am so glad you can see it too!

  3. Sweet Jesus, he hit the nail on the head! Boom!! I am just now, only 3 months out (100% no contact what so ever) of my horrific 5 year relationship with a narcissist. I am only now just beginning to scratch the surface of my healing journey. Am I still depressed…yes. Do I still think about him…yes. Do I still have trouble sleeping…yes. Do I cry a lot still…yes. Do I wonder daily if I will ever be okay again…yes. But, am I “better” than what I was 3 months ago…HELL YES, and I see it and feel it. I have learned to be extremely patient with my healing. I did not get this way overnight, and I will not recover over night either…period! I have never read so many books in my life on the subject of narcissism. It is a majority of my therapy, as I too have found out that most professionals out there do not have fricking clue to what the aftermath of being with a narcissist entails. Thank God for people like Carrie Riemer and Scott Williams. I thank God daily for the support you share. You are one of the reasons I am still alive today..seriously! God Bless😘

  4. It’s nice to know that it’s OK to wait.. Just as long as we are slowly trying to make positive changes.. And slowly, things WILL change..

  5. Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
    Scott does it again! I can’t count how many times a woman has come into my blog and is frustrated with herself because she is still hurting , still crying, still can’t sleep or eat and it’s been a whole 2 weeks since she left the N. I always say, “If you had said 2 years! I might be concerned. I would be concerned if you were over it in 2 weeks.” Be patient with yourself!

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