Guest Blogger – I’m a Sex Addict.
Are You Headed For A Breakup?
Stop (s)mothering Your Man!
Why Some Couples Have Great Sex (and you don’t!).
The Lies We Tell Ourselves #1 – Everything Happens For A Reason.
Author: Scott Williams
clinical therapist, black belt, learner and specialist in trauma, depression, anxiety, relationships and spirituality.
Dealing With Your Addiction: Why A 12 Step Program May Not Be Enough
Telling people who have been in recovery that the 12 Steps many not work is akin to making a racial slur. People who have been helped by the 12 Steps are very militant, they have the Big Book virtually memorized, and are dedicated to going to several meetings per week for the rest of their life.
I have no problem with that, if it works. But more times than we are willing to admit it’s just not enough.
As a counselor who works part-time at an addictions centre I can testify that for many people just getting to a meeting, admitting you’re powerless, and becoming accountable, is a very good though not necessarily efficacious solution to your addiction issues.
What 12 Step groups do not do is as important to understand as what they do. 12 Step programs do not allege that they are good at counseling. They are, in point of fact, very up front about their “one alcoholic (addict) helping another alcohol (addict)” stance.
What is often missing for those who struggle is the ‘why’ question. Many substance abusers are self medicating their hurts, fears, boredom, mental issue, or past abuse. They felt they were unable to cope with the pain and drinking or drugging provided a way for things to feel better. Consequently some people also do that with online chatting, or pornography, or masturbation, or even World Of Warcraft. 12 Step Groups cannot help you come to understand your historic and ongoing love affair with serotonin, dopamine, or GABA.
In counseling many people come to realize that stopping substance abuse is only the first part of the solution. Once they remove the medicating effects of that crutch the lingering effects of trauma, hurt, or mental illness begins to thrust its way back to the surface. They may have dealt with the symptom of their problem (substance abuse) without realizing that the actual reason for self medicating has not been addressed. They don’t really have a drinking problem as much as they have a trauma issue, for example.
It doesn’t take a psychiatrist to realize that if I quit drinking but do not address the important questions behind the substance abuse I may be a ticking time bomb of pain, seeking other and potentially more destructive coping mechanisms.
If you have been dealing with an addiction issue perhaps it is time to ask yourself the ‘why’ question. You might find that underneath that need to use is an issue that you have been trying to ignore or medicate for years, that will not simply go away with time. If you know you need help, or are unsure but wonder if the problem is deeper than you thought, talk to someone who can help.
Talk to a counselor that doesn’t suck.
Guest Blogger Wednesday: When Chronic Pain Steals Your Life
Wednesdays I host a guest blogger – professionals, clients, friends, strangers; stories of success and failure, people who are suffering, some who are opinionated, all of whom are a work in progress. These are struggles about real life issues. If you are interested in telling your story email me at info@scott-williams.ca.
Here’s one that maybe you can relate to:
When Scott asked me to do a guest blog he sent me the following message over Facebook: “you should guest blog about how your life got screwed by your medical problems.” Far from being the most offensive thing he’s ever said, I think it’s still apparent that the average person would probably have worded it more politely. Scott is not the average person. Neither am I. To know me is to understand that if what you say is intentionally horrible I will probably laugh at it, especially if I know you. If you’ve ever heard of “dead baby” jokes you’ll understand my humor.
That sense of humor sometimes quite literally keeps me going.
I’ll preface my medical story by saying that by no means do I believe that mine is more horrible than others. I know that I’m damn lucky compared to most people on this Earth.
In my glory days I was active and spontaneous and embarrassingly unembarrassable. In what I think was the summer of ’07 I was visiting someone when, at dinner, I suddenly got a muscle cramp in my leg. It was the worst pain that I’ve ever felt and I’ve broken both of my arms. I recovered quickly, but never forgot that moment and I’ve feared that pain ever since.
A few months later I was walking home from work when a twitch and a strange sensation went down that same leg. I thought for sure that it was happening again and panicked, but the cramp never came. Since then the twitching and strange sensation has coupled with aching, tingling and weakness in both legs and it’s never gone away.
Soaking in the fear that at any time I was about to have a rematch with the worst pain of my life, and living with the aforementioned symptoms for four and a half years without a diagnosis (not even a hint), I developed a nasty little anxiety problem with tendencies toward agoraphobia and hypochondria. But not knowing what was wrong was the worst part. The more anxiety I got, the more I obsessed over what I might have. Was I dying? Was I delusional?
After my legs went, so went my belief in God, followed by who, at the time, I thought was the love of my life. Disabled, alone and feeling very defeated I moved home. If Scott dares have me back after this then perhaps I’ll tell about leaving my religion.
Suffice it to say, I lost a lot of friends. I not only pushed them away, but I also felt unable physically to be with them. Very few have remained. I became inactive. In my own eyes I became useless. For two or so years I fell into a depression. One night I went outside to cry so as to not wake my family. I sat there and decided that jumping off of a bridge would be the best way to go. The next day, due to some fluke of hormones or sunlight, I was feeling better, stronger. I went for a walk to try to keep my legs strong (which is often physically painful). I told myself then that I was going to university. If I could not make use of my body then I would make use of my mind. I acknowledged that if I failed in this that I would likely end up looking over the railing of a bridge getting ready to use my defective legs for one last jump. University would not be easy, it would indeed be painful, and with my anxiety it would also be scary, but I considered it my only option.
I started school the following winter. My main interests are psychology and philosophy and without conceit I can tell you, I’m damn good. Maybe it’s my passion for the subjects, or the threat of death, but I’ve been very motivated to succeed. For four consecutive semesters I dealt with the anxiety of leaving my house, speaking to strangers, taking a bus to school, wearing out my legs causing pain, cramps and twitching on top of the usual stress of school itself. By the end of the fourth I had beaten that anxiety nearly to dust. I no longer needed the Xanax that my doctor had prescribed. I was studying like a dead baby (because I had no life!) and I was getting ready for my next set of final exams. Two days before the first one something new happened. I don’t know how it works with others that suffer from anxiety, but to me something new was terrifying. Suddenly and for seemingly no reason I felt swelling in my throat. Of course I knew that this was the end. I’d be dead any minute, choking to death. That was not my ideal way to go. My anxiety shot through the roof and although my throat never closed up (I was never in any real danger of that happening) I just knew that it was about to happen at any second.
The swelling never went away. I got 60% on my final exam in Philosophy 100, my favourite class. I’d been getting above 90% until then. My anxiety was back with a vengeance, stronger than ever before. Before I had leg pain to worry about. Now I had nausea and choking and cancer and a million other mysteries to fear.
Ironically the problem with my legs was diagnosed soon after – Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. All I ever wanted was a diagnosis. But now that I have one, I can’t enjoy it. Life’s funny like that. It’s been five months since then. There was a point about a month ago when I went in to my doctor to get the results of two separate tests. These would tell me whether the problem in my throat was hypothyroidism or thyroid cancer. I was almost praying for hypothyroidism, but even if it was cancer, at least then I would know. I got what I perceived to be the worst news possible. Both tests came back negative. I was back to the beginning, the not knowing, the fear, the helplessness and hopelessness. Depression started coming back. I dropped my classes for this Fall semester. I could barely leave my room never mind go to school. It was obvious that I needed help. So, I’ve started seeing a psychologist (one that doesn’t suck). She’s taught me some meditation, encouraged me to exercise, and taught me how to argue with myself, tell myself that I’m being irrational when I obsess over my health.
I still don’t know what’s wrong with my throat. I don’t know what the future holds. I’m not particularly hopeful about it either. But I’m also not hopeless. Who knows? There’s still a chance for me. I can beat this anxiety crap. I’ve nearly done it once before, and now I’ve got backup. And as long as I have the ability to laugh at the absurdity of my own horror, I’ll be able to hold on.
Coming tomorrow: Dealing With Your Addiction: Why A 12 Step Program May Not Be Enough
Related articles
- What Is Anticipatory Anxiety? (everydayhealth.com)
The State Of Faith In Canada
A new study published in Canada shows the same trends evident in U.S. churches are no less real in hockey country. The report titled “Hemorrhaging Faith” (I can already imagine the solution-based conference and book: “Clotting Faith”), is featured in the latest issues of Canada’s Faith Today magazine.
Some of the findings include:
-Only 1/3rd of young adults in Canada who attended church weekly as a child still attend as adults.
-Among those who no longer attend church, 1/2 have also abandoned belief in Christianity.
-There are four primary barriers that prevent young adults from engaging the church: Hypocrisy, judgement, exclusivity, and failure.
Beating Anxiety And Depression Is Possible, But It May Be More Work Than You Are Prepared To Do
Anxiety and depression are plaguing 21st Century culture. It’s an epidemic.
We have never had better medications to provide relief, never had better therapies available. Health care, thorough physicians, EAP programs for free counseling, nurses, and other professionals has never been as accessible.There is no world war, most of us do not have a terminal illness. Employment is at an all time low. So what is the problem? Is there any hope?
Day after day people tell me in counseling that they have been dealing with anxiety and depression for years, even decades. They have been on antidepressants literally for generations. They believe that they have a biological issue, some sort of genetic flaw, though no one can identify when or how they were tested to confirm the neurochemical prognosis. Many people, at least in my part of the world have seen a psychiatrist who, after ten or twenty minutes, has diagnosed them (without any evidence-based analysis) as having a depressive or anxiety disorder. I have asked these individual what tests were run, what scale was used; did you even fill out a Burns Depression Questionnaire, or a PHQ-9, or a HAM-A/D, a GAD-7? Anything? Did you share the story of your past few years, describe the emotional and psychological stressors?
Twenty minutes every month and a prescription for an antidepressant, a benzodiazepine, and a sleeping medication. Many, many of my patients have been taking these same medications for a decade or more and have no idea if they do anything substantive.
The hard truth is that taking medication for a generalized anxiety or depressive disorder is only a small part of the solution (though perhaps necessary); and by themselves do little to address the important questions. Dealing with anxiety and depression requires actually dealing with the key causes, issues and effects, and takes a tremendous amount of learning, transition, and vigilance.
I tell patients that the tools they need to address these issues are incredibly simple to learn and very very difficult to master. This requires a level of humility and dedication most people are not willing to give. If you have a major issue with anxiety or depression it is going to take major work. But with the right tools, a counselor that doesn’t suck, and a dedication to do ‘whatever it takes’, you can experience significant change in just a few months.
But you need the right tools. If you go to a counselor and they tell you that you need to begin by changing your lifestyle (like the doctor who tells you to fight depression by going for a long walk every morning) then fire that therapist. Real change begins with changing your mind, not your activities or emotions. A counselor who knows what they are doing will challenge you to deal with your thoughts, show you how to practice taking back control of your impulses, and help you learn to address your dysfunctional coping skills and cognitive distortions.
With depression, for example, if you could go for a long walk every morning you probably wouldn’t be talking to your doctor. A person who is seriously depressed is usually unable to find the energy or motivation to open the curtains, let alone go for long hikes. So once again you are a failure, only further entrenching your despondency. A good counselor will help you find hope, not set you up for more failure.
Depressed people can get better. Every day I teach people the tools they need to find hope. The problem is that not everyone is prepared for the relentless battle that is necessary to drag your emotions and garbage, kicking and screaming, back into your control. You will have to fight your own dysfunctional thinking and learn to get control of your mind, battle your obsessions, say no to your desires, and question your own beliefs. This is a great deal of work and pain but the reward is sanity, hope, and a shot at a happy life.
I love what Tony Campolo once said, “As children we were taught to pray the prayer, ‘If I should die before I wake’. Most of us should be praying, ‘If I should wake before I die’.” Many of us have been walking around most of our lives half asleep, half alive. Isn’t it time we woke up? Anxiety is not a terminal illness. Panic attacks can be beaten. Depressed people find hope.
Don’t give up, you’re worth it.
Related articles
- The Panic Attack (scott-williams.ca)
- The Worry Cure (psychologytoday.com)
Depression and Western Culture
Puts things in perspective. Some amazing wisdom from a depressed comedian…
(warning, lots of swearing…)
Lowering Your Expectations
Do you want to be happy in life and with your relationships? Lower your expectations!
Most of us grow up believing we are going to be rich, or famous, or at least happy. It seems, however, that the real world rarely lives up to our expectations.
I love how Jerry Seinfeld sums up the problem with the real world: “The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda commercial people – where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them?
“We have soda, we have soda, we have soda”, jumping, laughing, flying through the air – it’s a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you’re watching TV and you’re drinking the exact same product that they’re advertising right there on TV, and it’s like, you know, they’re spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I’m standing there – “Maybe I’m putting too much ice in mine?”
Though many people in the addictions field don’t speak about boredom and the real world, it remains one of the main reasons recovering addicts relapse. They have lived in a world of adventure and the real world moves very slow. In short, it’s boring. The typical day used to start with cravings and emotionalism, they would spend time looking for a means to buy drugs, go to the deal, do the deal, take the drugs, zone out for a period of time, come down, clean up, and go to bed. Compare that to the heroine addict who goes on a Methadone program. He or she gets up, goes to the pharmacy, gets a Dixie cup of methadone, drinks it… now what? It’s 8:30 in the morning and your schedule is done.
Believe what you want about substance use, it does fill up your day. Most recovering addicts complain that ‘normie land’ is boring, slow, and generally a let-down.
Let’s be honest, they are right. The real world is not like it is on television. Your job, no matter what that is, is usually a series of days you will probably not remember. That new car is exciting for a week or two then it’ just a car. Even relationships get stale after a while.
I’m trying to lower my expectations.
I was ADHD before it was cool. The world seemed to move at a snail’s pace. Even now, as a full grown adult I find most days are just… ok. It is tempting to become despondent and self-medicate, or give up, or get bitter. It is also tempting to feel that life is unfair, that things haven’t turned out the way they were supposed to in my childhood fairytale. I can rail and cry and take all the Cipralex I want, things may not turn into Game Of Thrones. There may be no more dragons to slay or maidens to rescue and somehow, some way, I need to learn to be ok with that.
I have come to believe that, at least for me, maturity and wisdom has something to do with learning to be content in spite of my outside world. I have seen firsthand how, when I lower the emotional impact of my expectations of my partner, my children, my work, and my world, that I am able to be more at peace. I am trying to get to that point in my marriage, for example, where I have no expectations of my wife. If she shows up I’m happy. She is crazy enough to love me and want to share life with me so what else can I ask? I’m not there yet but I have noticed that, as I endeavor to change my way of thinking, it is making a difference in my life.
Cognitive Therapy teaches us to realize that changing our mind may be better than trying to change our actions. If we can do this then our actions become more authentic and flow out of who we are, not how we feel. Change your mind and your ass will follow. As I begin to shift my focus from my unreasonable demands, as I learn to take care of myself before pushing my agenda on others, as I take the time to develop an attitude of gratitude and as Covey said, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood”; than slowly my world begins to change.
“Life is a journey not a destination”, they say. It is never too late to transform your life, if you are willing to put in the work.
Let´s look at the world a little differently
Research has shown that couples who argue more than twenty percent of the time are probably not going to survive.
10 Tips to Help Avoid Ugly Arguments
If done correctly a fight can be a pathway to growth and problem solving
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D.
Every couple argues. Some of them do it overtly by yelling at each other while others do it covertly by avoiding contact and conversation. Whatever the method, the result is the same – hurt feelings and disenchantment. Here are my tips to help you argue constructively. If done correctly arguing can be a pathway to growth and problem solving.
- Understand that anger itself is not destructive. There is a vast difference between anger and rage. When someone is angry they need to state their feelings, they don’t break things or relationships – that is ragefull behavior.
- Talk about your feelings before you get angry. When you or your partner can approach the situation as it happens and deal with it in a safe way, it may not get to the point of being an argument. Sometimes things just need to be verbalized and most arguments can be avoided if your partner understands how you feel.
- Don’t raise your voice. It’s amazing how issues of hurt feelings or differences can be resolved with a whisper. I counsel couples who are yellers to only communicate with a whisper and it greatly reduces the anger factor in their relationships.
- Don’t threaten your relationship. And don’t take every argument as a threat to your relationship. This type of emotional blackmail puts the other partner in a panic/flight or flight mode. While you’re telling them you want to leave, they may be making plans to find a roommate. In addition, they may be so devastated by the thought of losing their family they can go into a deep depression and be unable to give you what it is you need.
- Don’t stockpile. This is where you bring up issues from the past to use as a hammer against whatever problem your partner has asked for help with. Deal with their issue first and if you really have unresolved feelings from past problems talk about them at another time.
- Don’t avoid your anger. If you stuff your feelings long enough you will explode and say or do things that you will regret. Anger does not diminish love, you can be angry with those you love. In fact the ones we love hurt us the most because we love them the most.
- Create a process for resolving problems without anger. Start by each of you taking five minutes to state your feelings, then take a twenty minute break to think about things and come back to the table for another ten minutes to discuss how you think you can best deal with the problem. Also, know that it’s okay if the problem doesn’t get solved right away.
- Abuse is NEVER allowed. This includes verbal abuse, any type of violence including slamming doors, breaking plates or hitting. If your arguments escalate to this level you need to leave the house. If one partner ever hits another a police report needs to be made and an appointment with a therapist is mandatory.
- Don’t engage. Remember that negative attention is still attention. If your partner tries to goad you into an argument, simply don’t go there. Some people actually like to argue because it gives them a temporary feeling of power and gratification. Avoid being sucked into their need for attention.
- Listen to your body. When you are angry your body releases chemicals that may cause you to react in ways that can be destructive to you, your partner and your relationship. Learn to understand your feelings and how the process of anger effects you physically and emotionally.
Research has shown that couples who argue more than twenty percent of the time are probably not going to survive. Hopefully these tips will help you get your arguments under control and reduce the level of energy in those arguments. If not, and if you want to keep your relationship, you need to find a qualified couple’s therapist.
Everything’s Amazing And Nobody’s Happy
Louis CK hits a home run.
Boredom, It Can Kill Your Relationship
Is Your Relationship Stuck in a Rut?
Why some relationships work—and others don’t.
by Amie M. Gordon, M.A.
From Psychology Today: Is boredom the silent relationship killer?
Stuck in a rut?
What does it mean for your relationship when you find yourself stuck in a rut? A group of researchers decided to answer this question by examining how being bored now affects relationship satisfaction down the road. Tsapelas and colleagues (2009) asked 123 married couples who had been married for seven years how often during the past month they had felt that their relationship was (or was getting into) a rut. They also asked them how satisfied they were with their relationships. Nine years later they came back and asked them again how satisfied they were. What do you think they found?
Results: Spouses who felt bored at year 7 were less satisfied at year 16. What is important is that boredom predicted being less satisfied down the road even when taking into account how satisfied people were at year 7. In other words, it’s not just that people who were bored were less satisfied to begin with, boredom actually led to further declines in satisfaction over the nine years. Okay, so boredom is bad. These findings aren’t gonna knock your socks off. But there were a few extra analyses they did that I thought were interesting.
First, the effect only goes from boredom to satisfaction, and not the reverse – so people who were less satisfied at year 7 weren’t necessarily more bored nine years later.
Second, we already saw that this wasn’t just due to the fact that people who were bored were already less satisfied in their relationships (since boredom uniquely predicted declines in satisfaction over time), but the authors also show that association between boredom and later satisfaction can’t be explained by feelings of tension or conflict at year 7. This means that people who were bored weren’t unhappy later on because they were in unhappy, tense and conflictual relationships to begin with, they were just bored.
So maybe we start to believe that this boredom thing is really happening, and maybe, even if its obvious, its useful to know. The next question that always comes to mind (to my mind, at least), is why? Why is boredom such a silent relationship killer? What is going on in these relationships over those nine years? The authors hypothesize (and find) that people who are more bored now become less satisfied over time because they begin to drift apart from their partner and report feeling less close to them.
The bottom line: Boredom is bad for your relationship. Boredom is bad because it may lead to drifting apart (and perhaps seeking excitement outside the relationship?).
Casual Friday: Lessons From Life
A few years ago, in the spirit of the family vacation, we got in the car and headed out to the bald prairies. We were just outside of a quaint little Canadian town called Redcliff, when the fuel pump on the truck failed. After coasting into what appeared to be a small town, we took a room at the local five-star hotel. We knew it was five-star because the stars were painted on the doors. Four of us in a room that was, I kid you not, one hundred square feet, for two days.
It was in Redcliff that we came to appreciate the wonderful benefits of a rural garage. We were informed that they would have to order the parts and Jed the mechanic tried to explain to us, with his one good tooth, that it would take some time to complete the repair. Later we would experience the joy of rural pricing as well. We spent the next days eating at the gas station, fighting bugs and touring the mud roads and local Co-Op. Almost three days later and six hundred dollars poorer we headed out of town as fast as the truck would carry us. We were thankful to be away.
We had only traveled about seventy meters when we started down a steep embankment… right into the city of Medicine Hat. Before us there unfolded an array of fine hotels, service garages, theaters, restaurants and local amusements. Without a word of exaggeration, Redcliff is right next door from Medicine Hat – literally pushing distance. We just looked at each other and started to laugh.
We couldn’t see it over the hill. We were lost in the wilderness and didn’t know how close we were to the prize. We got off-track.
Ever notice how often this happens in life? In counseling we talk about not ‘being able to see the forest for the trees’. We become enmeshed in our issues and it seems like they will never end, like things can never change.
Then, once in a while, someone gives you a push.
I’m Not Responsible For Your Happiness
In fact no one is. Not your partner, not your parent, not your priest. We are all responsible for ourselves. Blaming others for problems in life only leads to disappointment, shattered expectations, and bitterness.
No matter what has been done to you it’s up to you to do something about it. Yes I know that sucks, it’s unfair. In life we are taught and want to believe that life is fair, that everything happens for a reason. In counseling we call that a cognitive distortion. It’s a lie that distorts our way of thinking and keeps us from growing. Does everything happen for a reason? Ask the families of the six million Jews, countless Russians, intellectuals, gypsies, Poles, Czechs and others who perished in World War ll. It makes no sense but we are not supposed to question its veracity and just believe it. And let’s be honest, is life fair? How can anyone who has lived for very long believe this? Life isn’t fair. What happened to you is wrong but unfortunately you are the one who is going to have to live with this. The horrible truth is that life is only what we make it.
So it is with our problems. We want to believe that someone else can swoop down and heal those holes in our heart. Is this reasonable? Likely? As the unknown comic says, “You know who cares less about your problems than you do? Everybody.”
In counseling I see this manifest in many ways – the woman who needs man after man to heal the hole in her heart, the needy and dependent spouse, the person who blames others for their problems. Even the person who has been horribly abused must someday wake up and realize that if healing is going to come it will have to come from within. Blaming others may feel cathartic but does it really make a positive difference?
Some of us have been victimized. We are, in fact, victims. My heart goes out to you and I realize that you have been wounded deeply. But there is a difference between being a victim and playing a victim. You only have one life and deserve more than eighty years of misery. Working through these problems is hard but if you can get the right help, a counselor that doesn’t suck, you can find healing and hope again.
Dealing With Your Baggage
Sexual abuse is destroying our society. It’s almost impossible to find accurate statistics on the percentage of women who were molested as children and adolescents. Numbers vary wildly between 20-60%. Statistics about the molestation of boys hovers somewhere between 6 and 24%.
Emotional and physical abuse statistics are difficult to measure but can be equally as devastating, and not just for children.
What everyone does agree on, however, is the devastating impact of sexual, physical and emotional abuse and neglect. Almost every day I hear story after story of pain and abuse from earliest memory to adulthood. I have often contended that just about everyone has endured some form of abuse by the time they are in their forties. It is easy, therefore, to believe that there is no hope, no cure, no relief from something that looms so large that it feels impossible to overcome. But what if it could be dealt with? What if the effects of this hell on earth could be diminished, even alleviated?
Trauma, whether from childhood or as an adult, is devastating and left undealt with, often affects us for the rest of our lives. Even those of us who have not had a ‘trauma’ event, so to speak, may also have the effects of trauma due to long-term abuse, neglect, or situations which have damaged us emotionally or physically.
Maybe you were not sexually or emotionally abused as a child but wonder if you may still have real baggage. Maybe you grew up in a single family home and it has left you tainted or emotionally wounded. You may have had an emotionally unavailable parent, heard more than your share of verbal abuse or yelling, or had parents who drank too much or used drugs.
Divorce can often have devastating effects on children as well. So can witnessing violence, so can growing up with insecurity or self-esteem issues. Your parents may have shown you dysfuntional ways to deal with stress or relationships.
Although we have different issues, many of us are carrying baggage around. In my course on Trauma we talk about some of the bizarre ways this has impacted many lives. Survivors of trauma are often hoarders, or cannot commit to a relationship, or have difficulty finishing problems, or have long term sexual issues including the seeming inability to be sexually satisfied.
Wounded people often struggle with more loneliness, are far more critical of themselves or others, or are what we call hypervigilent. Their danger radar is especially fine tuned and they are constantly on a high state of alert. There is even evidence to suggest that many who consider themselves ‘discerning’ or ’emotionally in tune’ are actually victims of trauma who have developed this hyper awareness as a defence mechanism.
The list of potential issues associated with trauma goes on and on – difficulty relaxing, problems with intimate relationships, difficulty sharing feelings, extreme reactions to normal situations, anger and anxiety, cycles of abusive relations, approval seeking, etc.
Counselors often say that “Trauma trumps all”. They mean that there are clear indicators that trauma affects every area of your life. If you have not dealt with your baggage it is very likely that you are not living the life you were meant to live. I meet people all the time who have been carrying around this garbage for years, for decades, who believe that there is no choice but to stuff their hurts and try to cope the best they can. While this may work for some, it didn’t work for me. Maybe it isn’t working for you either.
If you are weighed down by a backpack of abuse, neglect, and pain you need to know that there is hope. Working through your issues may be hard but it can lead to hope and liberation. You don’t have to spend the rest of your life reeling from the hurts of your past, no matter the issue.
Talk to someone. Find a friend or colleague that understands and empathizes. Or better yet go see a counselor that doesn’t suck. You can do it.
You’re worth it.
The Power Of Vulnerability
Why Men Don’t Volunteer To Do Dishes
She is standing at the sink doing dishes frustrated by the six or eight other things she still has to do tonight.
She can see him – sitting there, doing nothing, drifting off to sleep.
Why doesn’t he volunteer to help? He knows how much needs to get done, you’ve hinted, and not very subtly, several times.
What has happened to this relationship? Is this the best it’s ever going to get? Do you have to nag him yet again? Men constantly complain that women nag but you wouldn’t have to if he wasn’t so insensitive, right?
Wrong.
The longer I live the more amazed I am by the incredible differences between men and women. There is no absence of literature pointing this out, but for some reason most people still don’t know how to talk so that the opposite sex will understand. As a result many women think men are stupid, or dense, or insensitive. Often men believe that woman are pushy, or nagging, or bitchy. It is no secret that communication is key to a successful relationship so why don’t we have more information on how to speak so the opposite sex can really hear?
I run a course (which will be available online in the new year) called “Speaking Chick and Talking Dude”. I do not pretend that I understand women but when ninety percent of your clients are female they teach you a few things. Plus, from an anthropological standpoint, most of what I teach seems obvious… once you’ve heard it a few times.
Take for example the problem previously mentioned about doing dishes. I remember clearly, years ago, before I knew better, standing beside my wife while she was doing dishes. The entire time I was thinking, “She is giving off signs that she is too busy and frustrated, why doesn’t she ask me to help her with the dishes?” It turns out she was thinking, “Can’t he see I’m busy and frustrated, why doesn’t he volunteer to help me with the dishes?” I thought she was being stubborn, she thought I was insensitive. I asked her later, after finding out she was feeling overwhelmed, “Why didn’t you ask me to help?”. Her response was, (altogether ladies…) “I shouldn’t have to ask”.
The problem with that scenario is that neither one of us really understood how the other sex thinks. We grew up learning very differently, with different expectations and different ways of relating.
As a man I don’t do well with ‘hints’. In a guy’s world when you are out for beer with the buddies no one ‘hints’ that it is your turn to buy a round. If I think Steve should pay for the next round I will probably say, “Hey Steve, it’s your turn.” Not exactly difficult to interpret. Steve’s response is equally obvious, “No.”
Male culture is very different than female culture. It is considered bad form, for example, when I am trying to fix the car for my partner to come out and say, “Should I call Dave (next door mechanic) to help you with that?” When she suggests this, no matter how helpful she is striving to be, something inside of me hears her telling me I am not capable of fixing the car myself. For some reason I feel demeaned, less ‘manly’.
There is a very strict though unspoken etiquette in a guy’s world for volunteering to help. It is acceptable to offer to help in a generalized sense but I would never go up to my friend fixing his car and say, “Do you want me to do that for you?” unless we had established this as a mutually acceptable way of relating beforehand. I would be saying that I do not think he is capable of doing it himself. I need to wait for him to invite me.
Remember the conversation about dishes with my wife? Using the information you now know about how men respond to an offer of assistance, is it any wonder than that I did not volunteer to take over the dishes? On some subconscious level I was hesitant to ask my partner if she wanted me to take over because I was afraid she would interpret it as a putdown. I was afraid she would hear my offer like a guy would, as criticism. Based on what I had learned growing up about how you are to relate in my world I assumed that she would ask for help if she needed it. She was sitting there fuming, wondering why I did not volunteer (like a woman would). Apparently, I have been told, women grow up with different social boundaries.
Very different social boundaries. Most men, when going to the restroom at a restaurant, will probably not say, “Any of you other guys need to go?” Men don’t talk at the urinal or pass toilet paper. We are not allowed to talk between stalls. We don’t even stand beside each other when urinating. We have strict urinal etiquette which is not negotiable. Ever.
So what is the point of all of this? Perhaps if nothing else we can admit that the opposite sex is called that for a reason and communicating between sexes may, in fact, be much more difficult to understand than we have been led to believe. Making relationship work, any relationship, is going to require more effort than we probably knew when we fell in lust.
In my course on relationships we identify twenty-four different communication issues including ‘why men don’t volunteer to do dishes.’ If you would like more information on joining a group, doing the online course, or having me come to speak or lead a group or relationship weekend you can email me at info@scott-williams.ca.
Don’t give up without a fight! I know first hand that when a relationship works there is nothing better. If you think you need professional help I can help you out or point you to someone who can.
And, oh ya, don’t hire a counselor who sucks!
Stay tuned for the next installment of “Speaking Chick and Talking Dude”.
Prince Charming?
I grew up watching Disney cartoons, believing in ‘make believe’ and dreaming about fighting dragons, slaying bad guys, and getting the beautiful princess. There was something inside of me as a child that longed to be special, that longed for knights and battles and glory. As Gene Hackman said in The Replacements – “wounds heal, chicks dig scars, and glory lasts forever.”
Recently I have been doing a great deal of marriage counseling. I have come to realize that men and women are very different, so different in fact that it’s like they speak two different languages. They also come to the relationship with very different expectations. Though I am hesitant to state that I know someone else’s motivations, there is a lingering dream that keeps resurfacing in my counseling. Many women I counsel eventually admit that they grew up with the same fantasies and long to be treated like a princess – adored, supported, protected and treated as beautiful , intelligent and willing to hack off a limb if she needs to. And what guy doesn’t want to be praised, thought of as a mighty warrior who can slay the dragon, and have great hair doing it?
But is this reasonable? Let’s talk about it.
Unfortunately in the real world it seems that reality rarely meets our childhood expectations and many of us end up in relationships with few fairy tale endings.
So is there any truth to this princess thing?
With few exceptions most women I talk to can identify with at least some of the myth. Who does not want to be treated like a princess (in the best sense of the word)? Princesses are honored, they are royalty. People stop and stare when they walk by. Men fawn all over them for attention. So many heterosexual men do not seem to understand that when they cannot show their spouse that she is special, and that he can be trusted and has her back; that this strikes at the core of what many woman are looking for in a partner.
There seems to be almost a primal reason why many women are attracted to affluent men, or men with nice possessions. They may believe on some level that this individual can treat a woman the way she inherently wants to be treated. Most women, when pressed, will admit they think security is an important value.
So what’s the deal with Prince Charming?
Many men, on the other hand, want to be the hero. Men over thirty come from a world of masculine competition. We were raised on movies starring Clint Eastwood (before he went crazy at the Republican National Convention), Arnold and Sly, Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris. We all wanted to be Hard to Kill. Many men are not, nor will they ever be, metro-sexual. When they watch Lord of the Rings they do not think Legolas is a real man (well technically… he’s an elf). The hero of 13th Warrior is not Antonio Banderas, it’s Buliwyf. In a man’s world you are constantly measured by other males based on your capacity to take care of yourself. We have thousands of years of hunter/gatherer machismo to get over, and apparently not all of us have been able to make it over the wall yet.
It may be for this reason that men subconsciously respond so poorly to criticism by their women. If my wife diminishes my character it affects me on every level and something deep inside me feels like I’m a child again, being chastised by my mother. It attacks the essence of what it means for me to be a man. Women who understand this and are willing to ‘butter up’ their man are used to getting their way far more than females who use condemnation to coerce.
But is this fair? Fairness has little to do with it, it’s simply a reality for many men.
I find it interesting that the myth of machismo continues to thrive so blatantly in popular culture. Most stereotypes that have been bashed by the media eventually lose their popularity and are scorned by movies and culture. Take, for example, the idea of the submissive, ‘meet you at the door with your slippers’ depiction of the housewife. This once popular role has almost ceased to exist in popular culture except among the fringe and a few fundamentalist Christians I know. Popular culture has led the way in relegating this stereotype to the realm of the absurd. So why, then, does the macho, unfeeling, remorseless, beer drinking, emotionally unavailable male still enjoy such popularity?
There is an interesting phenomenon going on among women in my part of the village. Some are complaining that they are frustrated by their relationships with men who are emotionally needy, whiny, almost ‘too’ in touch with their feelings. Is it possible that a few women out there still want a knight in shining armor to be the hero he so desperately wants to be?
So what can we do about it?
If you are struggling with your relationship, don’t give up without a fight. Any relationship can be restored if both partners are willing to put the needs of the other person first. Unfortunately, however, many couples have so much ‘water under the bridge’ that they cannot talk about anything without it becoming heated. If it’s not too bad, fight for it. If it is, and you aren’t ready to leave yet, maybe you should consider having a professional help you through the jungle of emotion and hurt.
And oh ya, if you do get a counselor, get a counselor that doesn’t suck! (I can help you with that).
Men: Why your orgasm doesn’t matter…
Warning: this article uses words like orgasm and sex. So enjoy.
One day, during my relationship course for couples, I decided to have a little fun with the group. I asked for a show of hands from the women who had had an orgasm every time they have had sex in the past two years.
No hands.
I proceeded to ask the male partners the very same question, “men, how many of you have had an orgasm every time you have had sex in the past two years.”
Every hand went up.
So I turned to the ladies and asked, “does anyone see a problem with this?”
Trust me on this, I do know a little bit (a very little bit) about the female sexual experience as described to me by some very good teachers (you). I understand that for some women, having an orgasm every single time they have sex is not always necessary. But all variables considered, doesn’t anyone else have a problem with the math?
So I asked the men, “when is the last time you took care of your wife’s needs and didn’t worry about whether or not you were satisfied?”
Blank stares.
This may only be my opinion but I find something fundamentally wrong with a sexual experience that has entrenched the belief that one partner always has their way while the other partner is usually left unsatisfied. I said this, just this morning, to a female friend of mine and she responded, “Why do think so many women aren’t that crazy about sex!”
Ouch!
I find it interesting that no one seems to talk about this. In my relationships course, which will be available online in January, we talk about this a great deal. We investigate the fundamental prejudices that have literally torn apart marriages for generations. We ask questions like, “why don’t men ever volunteer to do the dishes?” (there is a profound and reasonable answer to this). We address the complaint that so many women have that their male partner (if it’s a male) is an emotional child and they have a hard time being attracted to him because of this. We talk about the incredible difference between men and women in their communication styles and what I call ‘the cosmic joke’.
So then, why doesn’t a man’s orgasm really matter? I’m not going to let the entire cat out of the bag but I will say that if a man is wholly concerned with satisfying his female partner’s needs, and is relentless in his pursuit of her sexual and emotional happiness, he will never have to worry about his needs again. Gratitude and intimacy always spawns action.
And I do love the word action.
So men, when was the last time you satisfied your partner without getting off?
Guys, here’s your assignment. For one month don’t worry about your needs at all. Concentrate on being that amazing lover you want to believe you already are. Force yourself, at least a few times, to refuse even if you are invited, let’s just say it, to see it through to ejaculation.
Trust me on this, it will be worth it. Your woman will thank you me!
The Panic Attack
I met Kate (not her real name) one morning during my turn at Intake. She came to me after having a panic attack in the local mall. She was walking by a kiosk and the next thing Kate knew she was on the ground in the fetal position. She asked her doctor what she should do and he gave her an anxiety medication, a sleeping med, something for depression, and a benzodiazepine for her panic attacks. She was medicated and ready to go.
But she kept having panic attacks.
She went to her psychiatrist who adjusted her medications (perhaps a stronger dosage would do the trick) and sent her on the way.
She came to see me – frustrated, despondent, defeated and deflated. A couple of weeks later she dumped most of the meds and surprise, she wasn’t having panic attacks anymore. So what happened?
I know I’m not that good. I am constantly surprised that people have amazing turnarounds after a few months of counseling. Nothing on the outside may have changed much, so why the turnaround?
When people get depressed or are battling anxiety they are usually told to go out and do a bunch of things – go for walks, work out, cut out caffeine, take medications, socialize more, etc. While these are good ideas and may eventually help, have you ever tried to ask a depressed person to go for a regular walk? They came into that office feeling depressed and a few days later, after being unable to get out of bed and go for the magical exercise routine, they are still depressed and now can point to yet another failure.
The secret is – it’s not just about what you do. It’s about changing your mind, not just your routine. The bible says -“As a person thinks, so they are” (I take truth wherever I find it). Cognitive Behavioural Therapy says it this way, ‘change your mind and your ass will follow‘ (ok, maybe it’s just me that says it that way).
It’s not about going for a walk, as good an idea as that may be. It’s about changing the way you think, addressing your own cognitive distortions about life (calling your own bullshit), and learning how take control of your thoughts and emotions.
So we talked about her panic attack. We figured out the “window of opportunity” for dealing with her oncoming attack. She learned what panic attacks were, and how her subconscious was directing her. We talked about a few options that seemed incredibly simple to learn. She practiced… and practiced. She documented her attacks and we talked again.
And things changed.
Panic attacks are not incurable. Neither is depression or anxiety. They just may take a great deal of work to conquer.
I’ll be dealing with this issue in further posts and with specifics for my email subscribers. Watch for my upcoming post, “Anxiety is curable, but it’s probably more work than you are prepared to do.”
And oh ya, hire a counselor that doesn’t suck… (I can also tell you how to find that person).
So You’ve Been Depressed For 20 Years, Are You Done Yet?
I counsel literally hundreds of people each year who are battling depression. While there is clear evidence that some depression is biological in nature, most, by far the vast majority, of cases I work with are people who, at least at one time, had a situation that sparked the emotional decline. This is called, captain obvious, ‘situational depression‘, or lingering adjustment disorder. Untreated, or treated incorrectly, this often slides into a Major Depressive Disorder, or MDD.
Someone died, you developed chronic pain or Fibromyalgia, you lost your job, your partner ran away with that idiot from your church, you have grown up with criticism or insecurity, you were abused. Life has kicked you down and kept you there. Trust me, I am sympathetic in spite of the title. But it’s about time someone called it like it is.
Depression shouldn’t be a terminal illness. You shouldn’t have to take antidepressants for forty years because you can never truly live again. But so many of us do and it’s ridiculous.
You’ve been sold a lie. Maybe it was your doctor or your psychiatrist or your uncle Biff but for some reason you think you have to live with depression, cope with this demon for the rest of your life. After all, didn’t your mom and your grandmother and all your relatives back to Foofoo The Wonder Ape have depression?
I hear this from new clients and patients all the time.
The problem with most of psychiatry is that they simply don’t have the time to counsel you until you can get better. They get paid by the number of patients they see every day – they work on commission. It’s a lot easier to just throw some SSRI your way and book another appointment in a month. I work at a medical clinic and the shear volume of need is simply overwhelming. The reality looks very little like the perceptions of psychiatry in popular culture (Analyze This, Lie to Me, Good Will Hunting, What About Bob? etc.)
And don’t get me started on crappy counselors. Every week I hear about abuse and basic incompetency over and over again. Going to school or taking a course doesn’t make you a good counselor any more than eating a salad makes you a carrot. I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it until someone pays attention – most counselors suck!
Fortunately there are some counselors out there who understand about depression and are willing to try to move you beyond a life of bondage. I hope I am considered one of those people. Using a combination of current and evolving evidence-based therapies, sometimes in combination with medications, hundreds and thousands of people are finding hope and relief, as well as an opportunity to become a “normie” once again.
Don’t settle for a life of depression and hopelessness. I will be addressing this at length with my email subscribers and offering some practical information that WORKS.
Oh ya, and hire a counselor who doesn’t suck… (which I will help you with).
scott-williams.ca 