You just got out of a messy, abusive relationship with a guy who doesn’t understand you, never took the time to service your needs, and was emotionally unavailable. You are working your way back into the dating world and you may not know it, but you are in a potentially dangerous scenario.
You are prey. I am a predator. I know you are hurting and vulnerable. You probably haven’t been with a guy who is emotionally sensitive, vulnerable yet still strong, willing to listen and laugh and be everything you ever needed; and yet somehow allows you to feel safe. Let me be that guy.
I actually do a seminar for women on how an average looking guy can pick up women in their late 30′s and beyond using emotional and psychological manipulation. It’s scary when you realize how easily vulnerable people can be manipulated by a guy who is willing to pretend he is sensitive, a listener, who makes it “all about her”, is a bit aloof, and knows how to say the words that will push the vulnerable buttons of a girl they have just spent two hours milking for information they can use to control her emotionally. So sad.
Last year, in front of a group of twelve women, I announced that I was going to emotionally seduce one of them in the group, under the fluorescent lights, without any alcohol, and asked for a volunteer. In front of eleven hostile witnesses, in just over twenty minutes, I was able to confuse a woman who knew I was trying to manipulate her. Let’s be honest, I’m simply not that good-looking.
I started by talking about her life, her fears, her hopes and the pain she must have experienced. I used the information I knew about her that she shared in the group in confidence and violated her emotionally. Half way through I announced that I was stopping the exercise so that I could explain what I was doing. I lied. I used that next five minutes to confuse her and convince her that I actually did have her best interests at heart. I apologized, back-paddled, asked about her needs, and then cried with her. I never touched her.
I have done this in several groups and have never missed. I tried it the first time almost by accident and scared myself by how evil and dirty I felt. And how powerful.
Please, isn’t there something you can learn from this?
83 thoughts on “How To Pick Up Vulnerable Women”
This is so scary!!!
And this is why many of us go from one abusive relationship to the next. I believe, ideally, (and also to prevent oneself from becoming co-dependant on others) you must have ample space in between relationships. Even “flings” can get us hurt.
Getting to know yourself, so to speak, is crucial.
Once you do that it is easy to see when you are being mislead.
But the pain and lonliness will, sometimes, lead you to anyone within shooting distance. And there are men/women out there that can “smell it”. They are like predators in the wild stalking an injured animal.
Get yourself through that lonliness and heartache and know that it is normal and you will experiance it. When you are atttracted to someone find out why. You may find that they have qualities that you are wishing to develope in yourself. Step away and do that.
Excellent points, I wish I would have said them…
This is a really interesting article because as a man, myself, i can really see what this article is describing because many men try this tactic. These men are the “players” they think they have the savvy to seduce any woman they want by pretending to be there for them physically and emotionally, they give out the impression of a nice, sensitive, honest, truthful guy. In reality these guys are “douche bags” that just like to play with women’s emotions and thoughts. This is really evil and psychotic because men are taking advantage of women going through tough times and yet these men feel good about themselves. They manipulate women to feel good about themselves ad just to say they can get women. I can only speak for myself, but being raised by a woman and next to two sisters, i’m really sensitive and more emotionally driven than other men. This doesn’t mean i’m less of a man than a hard tough macho man, every man wants to be an alpha male and there are many ways to achieving this yet many think womanizing and being tough is the only way. I think otherwise.
This is a good heads-up for women everywhere, there’s just one problem with it: What about the truly nice guy who does all those things because he actually likes the woman? A woman who reads this might presume bad things about him. Better safe than sorry of course, but the nice guys have it hard enough without getting mis-labeled as emotional predators.
Thanks Eric, you said it better than I could have. appreciate this.
Just speaking up for all the single good guys out there, being a former member myself. (18+ years married and still going strong!)
Reblogged this on BroadBlogs.
Wow.this is very foreal..i just manipulated a bitch not even 24 hours ago..this girl lets just call her a lame..well anyway i met her and she started telling me all about her boyfreind that she so dearly loves she even tattoedhis name on her..and he dont have hers on him..(vunerable,how much she loves him and he dont act like he likes me.dont spend time with her and he even tryed to talkflirt with her freind in front of her.the guy didnt kno me..but i was there puttin all kinds of manipulateing charisma in her head.which produced douts in her head ..so she got used to my attention and decided to come to my crib lookin for mr.perfect attention thats focused on mrs.lame..and thats were i got her..when i fucked the girl i could tell she didnt want to do it.but my pyschological mind control made her drop her clothes and i still had mines on but there she was buttassed naked wondering how this was happening..she really liked the guy she was with..but how she magically became naked and didnt kno why she was fince to get slaughtered was because i made her fill guilty as if she made her bestfreind mad..like if she owed me something because im your cool mr.perfect freind she didnt want to make me unhappy with her right..i asked her for sex,she said she loved her boyfreind and that went i gave her the silent treatment for about 30 minites before she finally opened her mouth and said were was my room ..sitting duck waiting to be slaughterd and thats exactly what happened.lol..i study on the internet faithfully how to manipulate girls or women doesnt matter..its a sadistic game too me..and to the lady who said something bout the devil..yes i practice satanism to its fullest extent of manipulation among weaker gullible dummy women..lol again..study study study..BRILLIANCE,in my gods eyes..
Great blog post! I’m planning to share it with my sister and cousins.
I like this article because it deals with truth.
After a married man pusued me for a while i finAlly ended it with him only to have Mr. N. take me out to “symathize” and confuse the hell out of me. He never gave a straight answer but called me all the time to spend time with me. Once he had me after great persistence he did a bunk. A. Game.
Not all women are easy to manipulate.
I think that the article was written with the thought of women that have recently left abusive relationships. However, men and women want to believe in the “good’ part of people. At least I do. My stepson is great at manipulating us into thinking he is doing better and then turns around and robs us (or a relative) blind. He lies to our face and tells us what we want to hear. Women (or men) can easily be fooled when they want to believe.
This is an extraordinary post. If you don’t mind, I would really like to write about this and quote you. Would this be acceptable? I’ll refer people back to this post. Let me know. Thanks Res
Absolutely.thanks for the interest
Just found your blog when you liked a post of mine in which I revealed I had fallen for such a man during a very vulnerable time in my life. It took a while for me to see what he was doing, but I did see and I took action to get him out of my life. He’s not completely gone because he is one of those who harasses and stalks his victims after they realize who he really is. ‘m living in fear of him right now, but hope that a protection order and a criminal warrant will finish this. I don’t miss him because I know that the “man” I thought I cared for didn’t exist. I am a well-educated and intelligent woman, but didn’t see what was happening until he started to try to control my every act, where I went and when, who I saw, what I ate, what I wore, what I spent, who I spoke to on the telephone, etc. We had many arguments before I realized that this man was not for me. He was all about himself and what he could get from me. He was “the man” and I was “his woman” and he expected me to do whatever he said and accept whatever he did. My grief and depression clouded my vision for a while. He kept telling me I was not strong. He never realized how strong I can be. Now I can work on my grief and depression without him pulling me back down.
I was that woman in her late thirties and that ‘guy’ became my husband. It seemed too good to be true and it was. Marriage brought clarity. Yet, he continued to emotionally and psychologically manipulate me for 11 more years until I finally broke free just over 6 months ago. I’m looking forward now, not backward, but that ill-fated decision cost me in virtually every aspect of my life. I’m still working on rebuilding my life and I’m determined to succeed. 2013 will only get better, I know it.
this is such a painful reality for so many people. thanks for sharing.
revealing dark side of men, women knew existed but now we got notified. All romance gone , down the drain and it was not even raining. Except, that few times, women linger too, on those who play this seduction game, not telling them that inside their own mind..they hatch a plan. Let him fool me, I like to be told too, that I am beautiful .I know,I am not because I got perfectly good eye sight, and may appear timid and hurt. But, I got anger all boiled up. Men are bad, that we believe and now there is none left on the field. Those who were real men are taken by blessed, we the slow movers are on the rust.
I think this is a must read for every single woman on the planet please do not take it down.
… and his grade school teacher was heard to have said, “If he’d only used his power for good…” 🙂
Thanks Scott. I think you and your followers would be interested in reading this article:
‘The Shark Cage’: the use of metaphor with women who have experienced abuse, by Ursula Benstead
“The ‘Shark Cage’ metaphor offers a conceptual and practical tool for understanding and reducing
re-victimisation in abused women within a counselling context. The Shark Cage is congruent
with theoretical feminist and human rights frameworks, whilst offering accessible, concrete and
hopeful strategies for change in women’s lives. It reworks the often difficult-to-grasp idea of
boundaries, and learning to recognise boundary violations, into concepts women can visualise
and relate to. Women struggling to understand why abuse is so prevalent in their lives, and the
counsellors struggling to help them, will find the Shark Cage a useful tool.”
this is really good, reading it right now. I love word pictures
Great article on the Shark cage—I had a couple of aha moments reading it.
Thanks, Phil, great article. In fact, I used the shark cage metaphor today to help me establish a boundary, YES 🙂
Really great post. I am sorry to hear so many victims are subjected to this kind of manipulation. I believe if you build your own self-worth and put less weighting on getting your emotional needs met from another person, you acquire some protection.
Don’t be put off meeting someone new. The right partner will make you feel secure over a long period of time, and you will sense his commitment even when you have conflicts, because he will want to make it work just as much as you do.
Remember, you only need a spark to keep a relationship alive, not electricity overload!
Your post is the exact reason I have a self imposed moratorium on intimate relationships right now. I just don’t feel confident in my abilities to spot a man like this. and my history demonstrates that I fall for it every single time.
I was a victim of this. I had just divorced and “mr.perfect” came along to treat me right. He played the part just like you described. I fell so in love. Really what he did was use me then he mistreated me. I don’t even think he cared about me. I felt so used and abandoned. This happened 6 months ago and I’m still feeling the aftermath of it all.
It may seem that you have no defense from these people. But they leave clues and certainly once you have gone through it, you WILL learn. Even if it was on off on again off again and you are angry and baffled they roped you back in time and again.
Usually these people have the lovely persona, a Mr or Ms Wonderful, they do well in business circles, networking, they pay attention to their looks and can be very charismatic. But they will have ‘lines’ they use, this sets up familiarity, and also they have found these lines work. They will claim you are so unique and mention they are so ‘honourable’. They will try and get you to react a certain way by saying: ‘You’re going to be angry because…..’ Even if you ARE angry you will try play it down, and if you’re not, they will say you are and fall out with you anyway, because they had it planned all along. You feel railroaded, out of control, not really knowing what’s happening, just wanting to ‘get on’. They will mention they ‘were told this or that about you’ and give an all powerful, knowingness about your life, that they have accessibility to all your information. You feel you may as well tell them everything, get your side of the story out first, because everyone is talking about you anyway. Everyone else is important, everyone else’s story is a sad story, hard life, but yours is inconsequential after the first sympathy act. His children, his situation, his hardship, these all matter and cause you to give special consideration, don’t expect to have any special consideration yourself.
Watch when someone is trying to manipulate you, you will get gut feelings. You will see the coy eye movements, things will seem too pat one minute, and changeable. Your relationship doesn’t feel solid, it’s like a mirage. They will lose the Mr/Ms Wonderful act when the relationship is getting too close, leave you stranded at your most vulnerable, and return unpredictably. They will ogle attractive members of the opposite sex lascivously, (planned to make you feel nothing special) they flirt and even try to get numbers sneakily and explode in self righteous anger that you could even think they were doing it. They will then show their true colours, attacking your very core. You have the injustices of being blamed for jealousy, madness, breaking up the relationship. They demand you say you were wrong. You know you were right, yet you begin to wonder, and bit by bit, you become more and more insecure, uncertain, broken. And even though they went on and on about how special you are, they will disappear and treat you cavalierly when it suits them. This is to keep you off balance, grateful for their return. In fact when they are playing their debonair story telling character or other personas in social gatherings, they may forget you are there at all!!!!
2 Step Survival
1. It’s important not to drink alcohol when you date a guy for the first month or say and really pay attention. If you don’t fall for him hook line and sinker in the first month, and act desperate/vulnerable/lost, he will move on to a more vulnerable target. I know this article says this conning/brainwashing can be done without alcohol, but you have a fighting chance sober.
2. Never EVER let someone bully you into saying you were wrong, denying your truth. You will not be conned.
Thank you for expounding on the post and your additional words of advice.
Reblogged this on beatingeatingdisorders and commented:
Great blog, highly perceptive. Very pertinent to women with eating disorders.
Excellent blog, love this article. This would apply to all women suffering from any kind of eating disorder – I was constantly attracted to this kind of man when I was anorexic.
Men or women for that matter have so much control.
Easy to ‘pray on’ or to compliment or to show empathy in order to gain that control and ultimately what they seek. It’s been happening for years and will sadly continue to do. Unfortunately women are more vunerable…the weaker sex (supposedly) combine that with being more emotional than the men folk is a combination that can be to their detriment.
Goof post. 🙂
**Good** not Goof 🙂
The amount of guys I’ve seen do this to friends is ridiculous! x
wow, Scott, this is scary. I want to date, but always get the ones who just want to sleep with me, so i am dateless
I would counsel then to stay dateless rather than to sell your soul for attention. the right guy won’t beg, won’t manipulate, and won’t pressure. I have to believe there are men out there like that. There must be.
i would love to run across a nice Christian man, who wants company, companionship and nice dating
Reblogged this on Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate….Ivonne's Journey and commented:
I had to reblog this post..quite amazing this man’s blog. This is must read for all my lady friends…..
Dear Scott, thank you for this post and for your blog. I think I could cry right about now. About three months ago I discovered a post on NPD—and I had an aha moment because it started to explain a lot of the questions I had about the last relationship I was in. He also happened to be the first man I was ever involved with–came back 30 years later with the same baggage. And although I have read a lot regarding NPD—I was still missing many pieces of the puzzle. So far I have read two of your posts and I have discovered some of the missing pieces. I am lookig forward to reading the rest of your blog posts as well.
thank you, you have become part of my healing process…
It’s interesting, this is the most criticized post I ever made. I keep meaning to take it down, but can’t seem to bring myself to do so.
I think you get it…
No, do not take it down. This post is gold and unless a woman has ever been affected by a man like this I do not think they will understand the damage that is done not only to the ego or your heart but the damage to your soul. Someone in another article called it “soul rape”—I liked that verbage because it really does describe what happens. It is not just your heart that gets manipulated but your soul gets taken advantage of. So, no my recommendation is to keep it up and do not take this post down. There are women like myself, that are intelligent, caring and giving and wondering wtf did I do wrong to have this person turn on me. The truth is we were just manipulated because we were vulnerable and caring. Socio-paths chose their targets very carefully. Nope, you must keep this post just where it is.
Thanks for the warning!
Thanks for coming by my blog! You are correct. This is why a woman should always have her parents (specifically her father/father figure) in her corner, checking the guy out, making sure he isn’t running game!
Precisely why I don’t trust myself to date.
Scott, ever since I read the verse that Ava posted I have pondered in it. What do you think of the idea that a psychopathic man is a lover of self (at the exclusion of anyone else)? Doesn’t that description fit?
Yeah … I sure did learn something … don’t believe the crocodile tears of a not so good-looking guy (your admission) who is “sensitive, a good listener (although that might be true … how else would he be able to use her info if he didn’t listen carefully) and caring. Damn! Now that I’ve spewed off that bit of sarcasm, I suppose you are doing a public service to vulnerable women everywhere. Keep on blogging about the misdeeds of SCHLONGS and “vulnerable” women — I hope some woman out there who keeps doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result will finally come to her senses ’cause you know what they they about repetitive action … it’s like 2 + 2 it will always be a 4 and those who think otherwise truly need help.
the math always adds up. always.
Reblogged this on All Things to All People: Confessions of a Baby Mama and commented:
Almost 3 weeks after reading this, I am still baffled…completely. I am in utter shock…still and I am sick to my stomach.
I have just spent the last year of my life pouring out my love–the very best of me–into the most profoundly abusive relationship. The rose-colored glasses were just knocked off my face. I am almost 40 and my eye are now wide open. I am not well right now. I have just come to the realization that I was a target. He was a predator and I was his prey.
Please read 2 Timothy 3:1-7 and you will fully understand what’s just happened. And please read this post.
I don’t even know how I am going to recover from this. I am completely filled with rage and my thoughts are racing. Please pray for my sanity.
thanks for your honesty Ava. Some days I regret writing that post but can’t seem to pull it off. It’s so shocking, but I am committed, as many of us are, to helping people understand that life can be different.
You sound like you are going to be good. I’ll definitely read those verses. Thanks.
As a 30+ with a degree in psychology, I can’t even begin to express the turmoil I feel after reading this. I came to your blog, after seeing that you liked one of mine. I have so many questions! As a clinical psychologist, how could you do something like that. Even under the guise of helping these women, do you not worry about the long-term, lasting effect your “demonstration” had for your “volunteer?” I use quotation marks, because whether you like to admit it or not, you were doing more than just demonstrating and she was more than just a volunteer. I imagine myself in such a situation and I am not sure I would ever look at myself the same way. Even if you make women behave more cautiously, that one women may be thrown into a void of social anxiety disorder that could take years of therapy! I am not trying to be some sort of alarmist, raging bitch, but OMG! That was truly my first reaction. Please tell me you thought of this before you began…
yup, absolutely. though the reaction was not even remotely that strong. Checked in with the lady several times who thanked me because she had been picked up several times in bars and didn’t realize why she kept doing the same things and expecting different results.
I have been profoundly frustrated by the propensity of predatorial men and hope this has helped many women stay out of the clutches of many douchebags. I do not make a habit of doing this on a regular basis.
That is certainly a relief, and thank you for your candid reply. I wonder, do you ever consider the flip side of this scenario? I have watched my father go through a messy divorce and seen my brother struggle with dating, both of whom are “nice guys.” I wonder if society, as a whole, isn’t propagating this vicious cycle by reinforcing bad behaviors. I agree that helping women recognize and resolve their vulnerabilities is a step in the right direction, but you can’t solve a multilinear quadratic equation by working only on one side of the equal sign.
This is an awesome thought. I often run into the cognitive dissonance that comes with the stereotypes of the nice guy and I’m wondering how often it is seriously addressed. I also find it intriguing, and have written about it from my very limited experience, at the fascination with the ‘bad boy’ and the temptation among males and females to adopt such behaviors.
I am absolutely with Alison on this. I find your technique extremely distasteful, and your closing line frighteningly disingenuous.
Can anybody learn something from this, to justify what a devious and duplicitous person I have just admitted I am? I may have shredded these women’s emotional state in front of onlookers, but really I was doing it for their own good! You just gotta believe me that I am different from the predatory abusive men I am warning them about!
I’m sorry. I don’t find this acceptable at all. I don’t think it’s ethical. Your clients are already vulnerable; you are a trained psychologist. To manipulate them however you like is merely shooting fish in a barrel. That makes me think you do it because you like it, and it seems you are acting in your own best interests, not theirs.
I think I dated you back in 2001… or someone very much like the man you have described!!
I think women, especially those over 30 years old, who have a lot of emotional baggage, put way too much emphasis into “having someone” that they are able to be manipulated easily, even though they do not want to be used or abused. The need to feel wanted & the need to be loved is greater than the red flags that raise up. At least, IMHO.
This post totally freaked me out. After I broke up with my ex in January, the Lord “brought” me a verse. I just haphazardly stumbled across it. Scott, I had no idea the verse existed… The first part describes my ex-boyfriend to a “T”. It’s like I just want to put a little check mark by each description of this type of man (you’ll see in a second). It’s so dead on that it borders on creepy. And then…I’m ashamed to say, then it begins describing a certain type of woman….it’s describing me with pristine accuracy too.
From: II Timothy: 3
But understand this, that in the last days will come (set in) perilous times of great stress and trouble [hard to deal with and hard to bear].
For people will be lovers of self and [utterly] self-centered, lovers of money and aroused by an inordinate [greedy] desire for wealth, proud and arrogant and contemptuous boasters. They will be abusive (blasphemous, scoffing), disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane.
3 [They will be] without natural [human] affection (callous and inhuman), relentless (admitting of no truce or appeasement); [they will be] slanderers (false accusers, troublemakers), intemperate and loose in morals and conduct, uncontrolled and fierce, haters of good.
[They will be] treacherous [betrayers], rash, [and] inflated with self-conceit. [They will be] lovers of sensual pleasures and vain amusements more than and rather than lovers of God.
For [although] they hold a form of piety (true religion), they deny and reject and are strangers to the power of it [their conduct belies the genuineness of their profession]. Avoid [all] such people [turn away from them].
For among them are those who worm their way into homes and captivate silly and weak-natured and spiritually dwarfed women, loaded down with [the burden of their] sins [and easily] swayed and led away by various evil desires and seductive impulses.
[These weak women will listen to anybody who will teach them]; they are forever inquiring and getting information, but are never able to arrive at a recognition and knowledge of the Truth.
Scott…”Ouch!”. And I must add that it’s even more enlightening when you go to a site like biblegateway.com. When you put in the book and the chapter you want in you can quickly navigate through various translations. Scott, it is a “trip”. All of the translations are a little different, but fundamentally they’re all the same. I really think you should check this out.
Now, the reason I started to get a little freaked out when I read your post is that it caused me to wonder if my ex-boyfriend is just a tormented soul who has good intentions but too much pathology and horrifying life experiences to function in a healthy capacity? Could he mean well but he’s too screwed up to know how to exist in a healthy relationship?
OR (and here’s where I get chills)…did he weasel his way into mine and my boys lives with an a agenda and a premeditated recipe for how he was going to deplete and destroy me emotionally and financially? Afterall, he’s done unspeakable things to a number of women…many of which were married to him for short periods of time.
And it’s worth mentioning that he’s abandoned a total of 3 daughters, each who have different mothers.
Scott, I could say so much more but I’m afraid that the truth may even freak you out a bit.
Do you think he preyed on me using intentional, premeditated psychological manipulation and control strategies?
Scott! As a professional, are you telling me that there are men who truly do this? I’d imagine that there’d have to be some. But is this more common than I think? Are women like me targets for certain men? If the answer is yes, you just made a lot of things make sense. I hate that, but I’m afraid it’s true.
As a professional I am telling you that men tell me all the time how easy it is to pick up women by telling them these things they are desperate to hear. I am telling you thousands upon thousands of men, and women, consciously and subconsciously use this methodology as a primary means of picking up women.
Often people just out of relationships spill too much, too soon and are COMPLETELY subjective when they find a person who sounds the exact opposite of the jerk you just spent an hour telling me about.
Why wouldn’t I say, when you ask me about myself, right after describing what you hate about men, all the right crap I know you want to hear?
It’s terrible, but the vast majority of people misrepresent themselves in order to get in your head, or in your pants. If you don’t believe me, go to a bar.
My advice is NEVER find a person to date at a bar.
Hi Ava. The Word of God is truth, we can rely on it, there are definitely men out there like that. Many more than I thought possible! Have you read the book “Boundaries” by Cloud/Townsend? If not, it will help identify them. There’s one for Dating, too. Great stuff!
Ava, there are men who would use your vulnerability to get you into bed and use you for a night or two and then dump you.
Then there are the men (and women) who morph into the man of your dreams, he sweeps you off your feet, winning your trust and love with what you think is sensitivity and truth but in fact they are soulless and without a conscience and every thing they do is for their benefit. If you have something they want (and that can change from woman to woman and day to day, it could be your respectability, your good looks, your money a roof over his head, whatever he needs at the moment).
Then one day the mask drops and you see a man who is mean, critical, viciously attacking you verbally and sometimes physically, you are confused, worried about him, he is no longer the guy you could talk openly with for hours, he acts like he loaths you. But just when you are ready to walk away he redeems himself and is the sweet loving man you met. Out in public he is sweet and loving behind closed doors he is mean and uncaring. If you haven’t caught him you suspect he is cheating, he probably has several women on the line, he can’t keep a job and has bled you dry financially, he has slowly taken control of your life, he is a pathological liar, and will twist your words and say you are crazy, he changes events to match his agenda and will tell you black is white, every thing is your fault, you are paranoid, suspicious and too sensitive.
There is so much more, I have gone on too long as it is. I only stopped by because Scott “liked” one of my posts and I came to see what was happening in his corner of the bloggershere. But to answer your question, yes there are many of these men out there, every day I meet another one or two or three and we all have the same story. It is scary.
I was very interested in the verse you posted, I have often thought these people sold their soul to the devil or are a creation of the devil because the depth of their evil is not human. A person has to have been involved with one to fully understand what I mean.
Scott is describing what a lot of men who are generic a$$ holes will do, some thing I have seen on the internet on sites on how to seduce a woman and techniques my ex used.
And Scott I am not criticizing you or minimizing the harm these men can do and women need to be aware of their tactics. But these men can stop using their powers for evil, they are not heartless they are horny. But what I think Ava is talking about is more a narcissist/psychopath profile and those men are down right dangerous and can not be healed. They often target any women who are self sufficient, strong, responsible, reputable, attractive, giving and honest. They find their weak spot perhaps they are too strong and here comes a man who wants to take care of her for a change. He makes himself the perfect man for her. The only sure way to prtect yourself is listen to your gut instincts when you sense something is amiss and take it slow. They always try to rush the woman into sex early and sweep the woman off her feet with who perfect the woman is how they have never loved a woman like this before etc
My apologies Scott I didn’t mean to ramble on like this, it is just something I jump on my soapbox about. Thanks for liking my post I’ll just take my soapbox and go now.
Great comment about trusting your gut. I watched “Mansfield Park” (Jane Austin) the other day and Fanny Price, against her better judgement but because of her circumstances, had agreed to marry someone she felt was “more interested in being loved than loving”. Soon after, she woke up in the middle of the night, stressed and terrified, then broke off the engagement. The night time hours reveal how we really feel about the man we are with and we need to listen to those urgings. If we aren’t sleeping right, we need to RUN. Problem is, we are not encouraged to trust our gut and are made to feel silly about our instincts.
Gleaningthenuggets, you are right. All animals are born with a natural instinct to detect danger; humans included. But humans are the only ones to question their instincts.
Any other animal senses danger it doesn’t stand there thinking, “I wonder if I am just being paranoid, what if I’m wrong and every laughes at me, maybe I’m being too sensaitive”; they get the hell out of there and don’t stop until they are safe and they warn others.
I really try to listen to my gut now, I never know what kind of danger or if there was danger because I left the situation but I am ok with that now. I trust my instincts because when I didn’t it turned out bad every time.
Years ago when I had a basement suite I rented out I wouldn’t even consider someone if my Border Collie didn’t like them.
Also I’ve always thought there is good in every one, and if you treat people with respect you will get it back. But now I know there are evil people with evil intentions in this world.
Boundaries, people… Boundaries… Even the most healthy of us can get caught up in the manipulation of Narcissism. Especially when we have this idea of “everyone being a good person.” If we are unable to tell when our emotional boundaries are being crossed, this is something we need to look at. This is also why therapists have a huge responsibility to not cross that boundary with their clients, because they have the power to do it simply by the trust the client places in the therapist – and the access to the deepest part of the client that the therapist has.
As a woman my first instinct would be to say that this is utterly disgusting. But at the same time as a logical woman I can say that this is sad and true. I can put myself in the shoes of a woman who had sat in front of you. Sharing her fears, her deepest stories and her hopes only to have them used against her in the worst way possible. And as for someone who has been abused as a child, trust does not come easily to me and having someone use my most painful memories against me it just makes it harder to trust others. The cycle is unreal. It takes a great deal of work to get past the issues of mistrust. But it can be done.
you are totally right. it is digusting, and a hard lesson to learn without being wounded.
Love the creepy guy photo and this post! We need to learn how to be “shrewd as snakes and innocent as doves”, Matthew 10:16. The Lord was talking about sending his peeps out into the world in that verse, but sending open and trusting women out into the world of men is very similar. It’s no wonder there used to be chaperones! Since we don’t have them anymore, I am allowing a few wise friends to look at the guys I date and proclaim YES or NO. Usually I can see the flaws, too, but I forgive them their trespasses…my friends are teaching me not to be so naive 🙂
You are spot on with this. It’s scary how easily it happens, and I thank you for this.
I think we can learn that there needs to be a lot more focus on women loving themselves, knowing themselves, and TRUSTING themselves BEFORE they have a chance to even get into a relationship in the first place. If you really trust yourself, validation from the opposite sex isn’t really all that important. Women who are insecure, that came off of a relationship where things went to shit, we think we’re somehow at fault, and suddenly here’s a guy who is willing to put the time and effort into us to really ‘get to know us’ – or at least that’s our perception – and suddenly, we feel validated, that the last relationship WASN’T our fault after all! Ha! See?! THIS dude here, he GETS me! If you are secure in yourself, trust your instincts, I feel like that type of exchange you described would just be creepy.
I agree Lookingforward … a woman’s most important relationship is the one she has with herself.
Been there, done that. It worked just the way you describe. It was a good, if painful, lesson. It will never happen again. Of that, I am 100% certain.
Hey there Scott,
I just read the article at http://healthmad.com/mental-health/why-do-people-control-others-through-emotional-manipulation/
“Control freaks are paranoid about losing control and are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root.”
Respect and kindness work well I reckon. A lot of people have good reason to perceive a controlling, hostile world.
Although, I’m officially “off the grid” I’m going to reply to this post. The only way women can protect themselves from predators is by strengthening their mind. If you build confidence and feel good about yourself, your life and look to the world with curiosity then your less susceptible to be sucked into an antisocial’s lure. Sometimes, emotionally fragile women go looking for this type of companionship because the “lie” can alleviate loneliness. But this is never a good choice because the person who is lying can hurt you and ruin your mental health.
For fragile women/men the first thing you do is accept that you are emotional fragile and can be conned into a “friendship” by an abusive person. Be a bit guarded and as soon as something doesn’t seem right walk away. Once you start building up your confidence walking away will become easier. You’ll go from “omg I really think he likes me but I don’t know why he’s being like this” to “that was weird…I don’t have to put up with this shit…goodbye.” And then you leave and you don’t go back.
Holy shit Jaen. You’re describing, in frightening detail, what’s been going on in my life for the last year…maybe two. Oh my God. There are light bulbs going off in my head. And you’re right…”the lie alleviated the lonliness”. Damn. He lied to me “constantly” about anything and everything. I knew it but I didn’t do anything about it. Why? Thank you so much for your insight.
Manipulation is the easy way out….how easy is to get someone to trust you. Not hard at all, but actually being trust worthy, now that a testament of power. Must be afraid to be one of those unsuspected people, falling, and in fear noone in this world caught them. Hard life, living one honest lie after another!!!!
This is by far my favorite blog. Thank you