It seems that almost daily women tell me that they are having obligatory sex, usually around once per month, to appease their partner stop the begging These women believe, reasonably, that if they give in it will allow them some time off from the emotional games/manipulation and help them placate that voice inside their head that keeps telling them they are frigid, or a bad spouse, or something far worse. Most women I have talked to do the obligation sex thing for what they believe are the right reasons, hoping that this will somehow make things at least temporarily better.
They are wrong.
Men do not think like you do. The message you are sending is nothing like the message we are hearing. Women tend to have sex for very different reasons than men do (no new revelation here). When we are fighting, when our relationship is stale, when I don’t think you like me and then you have sex with me, as a guy I think, “everything is ok now.” I am not making this up. Sex puts a guy’s world back in order.
Is that the message you meant to send?
I do understand, at least as much as I am able, the frustration many women feel who are in a stable relationship when it comes to sex. Even as a dude I realize how incredibly invasive and penetrating (ya, I know…) such a biological act is; even devoid of the emotional, sensual, and spiritual aspects of making love.
I am also familiar with the persistent frustration many men feel and the temptation to beg, manipulate, promise and beg in order to have sex. I am still amazed that my wife would even let me touch her like that, and I’m not being trite. I feel a woman’s body, any partner’s body for that matter, is such an incredible gift that I can think and dream about her all day. She’s a redhead. It is no wonder that even the strongest among us can be tempted to entice and manipulate in order to get our way. Many men are guilty of selfishness in this area.
In my course for men on sex I challenge every guy in a relationship to continue to have sex but refrain from having an orgasm for at least a month or two. Why?
I believe in my deepest parts that it is quintessentially important for men, and women, to grow beyond their selfishness, greed and lust in order to become a great lover and a great person. NO ONE is born a great lover. Few of us are willing to do what it takes to become one.
You have only to read the comments on some of my blogs to see how many women have been hurt through the selfishness and douchebaggery of men who are only interested in their sperm count and have never learned to love selflessly. How many of us have stood up at weddings or witnessed the couple repeating those Bible verses you hear at every wedding about thinking more of the other than we do of ourselves? That isn’t just good spirituality, that is foundational truth.
My heart hurts for so many women who have been exploited, sexually abused, and treated like a prostitute, by a partner who swore to love them unconditionally. Often they relate that they constantly feel guilty and inadequate. In my practice by far the majority of sexual abuse I deal with comes from within a committed relationship. Consider that for a moment.
If your partner is not willing and committed to foregoing their own pleasure in order to ensure your safety and trust (notice I didn’t say anything about sex there), as well as your pleasure first; then I have serious concerns about their level of commitment. I tell women on a regular basis that they are not obligated to have sex when their partner whines, abuses, or manipulates. You have more power than you know. Use it.
Next week I will write about how to teach your male how to be a great lover, but for now I want to reach out to those many people who have been exploited, or who have had their needs ignored, or have been fooled by a man who started out loving you and now is only using you. You are not dirty, ugly, loose. You especially are not frigid. That is his word, not yours. After all, who among us would not be willing to give ourselves to someone who will truly honour and love unconditionally, having only our concerns and safety at heart?
If you are a guy reading this, don’t be like the other pigs we all know. Be an amazing lover. Ask your partner to teach you. Be humble.
It’s the best learning you’ll ever do.
P.S. – Experts tell us that having sex with your partner ten times per year still qualifies you as being in a sexless marriage. (maybe I’m doing the math wrong). Did you hear me, experts!
scott-williams.ca 
I feel like a who’re because I gave out to this man who I liked a lot he wouldn’t even kiss me when we had sex was he using me I don’t know
I’ve come across this before. I have no idea. Kissing is awesome, and very intimate. I highly recommend much much more of it.
Mmmmm Sorry author if sex is not given with love and dedication then there is no partnership, there should be a law to just null a marriage If sex is being denied with a aging cycle of once per month.
the day Women learn to stop thinking that they give, and men get in a sexual encounter and understand that both give, we will have great peace in this world.
I think we forget that sex is a TWO way street of issues for both genders. Many good men have bad women lovers not because the women are bad but because of the complicated way women are taught to be lovers(psychological/emotional), and their own biological issues that directly affect their desire for love even if the man is a good man. I just hate that attitude that men are victimizers and women are victims in the whole sex thing, many times its just mother nature and murphy’s law and how things fall out with daily life. My wife has little to no sex drive and never has except when we were new in our relationship. She has not been raped or sexually assaulted she just doesn’t think about sex. She is a hard working woman who’s mind is occupied with college, taking care of my two daughters, and dealing with a husband who is always busy with work(I’m a Sailor and am out to sea a lot). I typically work with her and since we use natural birth control we monitor when she is ready and if she is able we do. The typical woman albeit not a majority in the great scheme of things is very busy and so is her lover, unless there is time and other factors in the schedule (sex is usually the last priority not the first, not saying that is right or wrong just the reality). The things I see that change that are prioritization in the relationship for dating and private time with lover/spouse, available of both parties to spend time together, stress reduction, exercise, and accepting there is an issue to be resolved. No one will have more willing love making unless both partners are involved in the solution. When I was on shore duty and had more time to help my wife, she had more time for spending time with me and thus our love making was more often happening. Is it perfect, no, is it real, yes, would I like more yes, would my wife, no.
An old post but still of interest. You sum up my view on life too, well written, thanks for sharing.
” When we are fighting, when our relationship is stale, when I don’t think you like me and then you have sex with me, as a guy I think, “everything is ok now.” I am not making this up. Sex puts a guy’s world back in order.”
Wait…are you trying to say that cis women don’t enjoy make-up sex? That it doesn’t reinforce the fact that, yeah you had a disagreement, but your partner still loves you for you?
” In my course for men on sex I challenge every guy in a relationship to continue to have sex but refrain from having an orgasm for at least a month or two.”
Lol, you actually tell your male clients to give themselves blue balls? Um, okay. Can’t imagine many are thrilled with that idea. I’ve had “blue labia” a few times when I’d been expecting my FwB to come over all day but he has to work late that night…it is more than uncomfortable, it’s painful! I think it’s a cruel thing, to have sex without letting ones partner cum. If my lover said he wanted to have sex but someone told him not to orgasm, I’d say he was crazy and give him a full body orgasm.
I would like to agree with this reply and add a few things… I understand the logic behind why the writer might find it a viable course of action to make a lover endure such torment and suffering, but this logic is entirely flawed I would have to argue.. Putting a lover through this sort of thing, even if they are willing is indeed cruel. You should not need to condition a man through sexual torture in order to beat the “purity” out of them. This is extremeism, and I think will cause more harm then not. In doing this act you will be beating submissiveness into the man.. Would a women like to be beaten submissive? It is a two way street here… You should not need to go to such lengths to change what is innately in every man (or most) which is sexual desire.. Resorting to extremeism is exactly that extreme. Hard truths are sometimes the last remaining realization that will liberate you over doing things to dilute your mind. What I mean by this is, would it not be better to realize, and thus admit your lover yurns for a sexual desire past what can make you feel good about yourself, or find a “solution” to a problem that has none, and do something that will only give you a false sense of hope and dilute your mind into thinking this person is as pure as would make me feel good about myself? ….. What is more difficult, but I would argrue more effective is finding a balance if you do figure an “adjustment” needs making to the mechanics of your relationship, love making etc…. A balance of the right expression of expectation and pressures, to give insight to the way in which you as a women would like to feel while not hindering their sexual desire alltogether. We can try to sum up sex to something as intelligent sentient beings do only when we really love someone, but I would argue even in the most caring and pure relationship, a sexual act such as sex will always be shrouded in something that is subconciouslly in us all as mammals, our drive to reproduce which is translated into this complex web of ambiguity these days as things such as “Lust and impurity”…. I believe every women has a framework for how they want to feel, if you are not feeling the way u would like, then perhaps you need to accept some things may, and I say may, not change. There is a chance no doubt, many people have many things in their relationship that is outstanding, but some things can not change. The answer then is will your happiness outweigh some unhappiness, and do you think that would lead to a failed end at some point. I would consider this, for women feeling used or dirty or hurt from being with someone you now see as manipulative etc for sex.. I say no matter what great things you feel about whichever person, you need to use your framework you create to keep you safe, and in turn feeling good about yourself. If the person your with cannot wait and you feel pressured…. you may very well need to do the extremely difficult thing, which will require great will power for many of you, and walk away….. and realize if you dont you are giving in despite your best judgment of this framework you created to protect yourself.. and if you do decide to, then take responsibility for something. Which is you have now made a gamble, and thats on you! If you gambled wrong then I really do sympathize that some person made you feel horrible because no one wants to feel that way. But then going back to what I said… next time will you make that gamble? Or wont you.. I would recommend you dont, especially if ur affected so to lead you to a post such as this. Rather sometimes time is the greatest revealer of truths… a user likey wont stay around playing his same game if it has no forseable way of working, and if he is persistant but your decision remains completely resolute in that u need 2 years to pass until you can be sure. Dont take this as selfishness but make it known immedietly to the man.. as soon as possible because no good man also would like to garner strong feelings for someone to then be met with a challenge they are not capable of enduring.. you need to realize this is what will make me feel safe and in turn happy. If someone cannot do this for me then fine. I do not resent them, and I have no hard feelings against them. But I also have the choice to respectfully walk away and find someone who will be willing to make this commitment to insure my happiness.. It really all comes down to will power. Power over your emotions and power over the decisions you make. And if a lack of will occurs, then the ability to take some responsibility for your actions, and in turn realize you need to possibly work on you so next time you are better equipped.. Take the time to heal if need be.. if you are looking for love there is no rush on real love.. it will find you….
Your post triggered me some of the disturbances that I have on similar issues. I put my experience in my blog. You may kindly visit the link given below.
http://overdepression.wordpress.com/2012/10/31/sex-and-feeling-cheap-a-male-experience/
Thankyou Scott, somewhat of a personal message for myself against past mistakes. I really went through a period of absolute disgust and disappointment at myself but your blogs always bring great outlook on relationships (: Your wife is very fortunate.
My wife is super cool, has taught me so much, and is by far the better person of the two of us. Her capacity to believe in me even when I didn’t believe in myself literally transformed my life and healed me. As to all the insecurity, I’m so tired, as you have said, of reminding myself of what I loser I was/am. As the guy said in American History X – Has anything you’ve done (like this constant recrimination) made your life any better? I am reminded of that when I fall into old patterns.
You are a very amazing and inspirational person and I hope you keep that in mind. Your blog is very informative and sensual to many woman out there, I’m glad you and your wife can example such a healthy relationship in comparison to all your clients (:
it helps that my wife has taken the time to help this ignorant dude understand just a glimpse. She’s amazing.
For me sex is a way of communicating closeness in a way beyond words, but it only ‘works’ if both parties are already close in other ways – honest, communicative, sharing thoughts, feelings and desires.
Not talking, not sharing feelings or saying when you need something, some change, creates a block to deep sexual desire. You may be able to still ‘perform’, but the depth is not there.
Sadly many men only ever ‘perform’, and never swim the beautiful depths of real sexual communication – when it becomes about the dance and not the crescendo. As Lulu says it’s partly due to poor sexual education – but it’s also due to a failure for us to educate our children, and ourselves, in the art of relationships, friendships included, emotions and communication.
If anyone (not only the woman) is made to feel bad in a relationship it’s time to talk, to change or to move on – although this can be difficult and frightening.
I am in my journey to be an amazing lover. The depression that I am facing is sometimes standing on my. I am attempting to overcome my depression. Waiting for your next post 🙂
I read stuff like this and realize, even more, what an amazing husband I had. I truly was married to someone very special.
Reblogged this on Bluestockings On Writing and commented:
Interesting blog post by Scott Williams… brought back some not so fond memories from my own past relationship experiences. However, it also reminds me that I have some GREAT writing material to work with. Now I must go jot down some of the notes I have for future scenes! Thanks, Scott!
I typed up a response and then decided it was way too personal to post publicly. Suffice it to say, I think you are on to something when you say that for men, sex means things are ok. For some women, too. It’s sad that I can even relate to this article.
Michelle, Sorry to hear that you can relate yourself with things article. I too have the experience of typing up a post by thinking that I will post it in the blog and then end up not posting it thinking that it is too personal. however I have found it useful sharing them with someone whom I feel comfortable.
Sex is a very complicated thing for many women, as we all know. I wrote a series on sexual abuse in relationships called Little Shades of Grey. Statistically speaking, sexual assault within a committed relationship still ranks lower than in any other situation. However, I believe this is largely in part to the lack of reporting. I would go as far as to say that a greater majority of women have experienced what could be defined as sexual assault within their relationship at least once in their lifetime.
In my writings, I have often referred to the phenomenon called, “Defensive Sex”, which is more than just obligatory sex. Defensive sex can sometimes occur simultaneously. It’s done out of a fear that if women don’t perform, then their partner will stray. It’s a constantly looming, yet unspoken threat, imposed on women by societal standards.
This is all a result of just plain bad sexual education. And I’m not speaking toward the public school system’s curriculum. I’m talking about the messages we get from older generations, friends, and mass media. I had written in my articles about how I could recall my mother reinforcing the idea of obligatory sex, as if it were a requirement of marriage. Surely, these attitudes had to have come from somewhere, and I believe it’s more of an antiquated notion passed down from other generations, then reinforced by all of these negative sexual experiences, or what I have been referring to as “grey rapes”.
I appreciate the message of this article. It crusades against all of those bad attitudes and behaviors that are associated with sex. A wise older woman once told me, “Sex is the barometer of a relationship.” She went on to explain how the absence of sex should be a red flag for both parties. I personally like how she included “both parties”, because women often forget their own feelings when it comes to sex. In truth, do women even know why they withhold sex, or that they’re even doing it? Do men understand how psychologically damaging it is when they force their will upon their partners?
there is some great stuff here for me to mull over. thank you.