No I don’t.
I would like sex every couple of days. I would also like chocolate, and bacon, and candy every few hours. That doesn’t mean it should happen.
If I hear of another whiny, manipulative male guilting their partner with this again I’m going to scream. I have been wanting to address this issue for some time but realize that this blog does seem to be hard on men. My hope is that heterosexual men will figure this out.
Almost every day I have women tell me that if they don’t have sex with their man every two or three days that he will whine and complain, even become abusive. So they give in. When I hear that my heart breaks. What a horrible reason to share the most precious gift you can give to another person. Disgusting.
What the hell is wrong with these men? Do they care, even a little bit, about their partner, or are they such slaves to their hormones that they don’t consider the needs and desires of the person who loves them the most? Do they understand female sexuality at all? Do they think whining or threatening is a turn-on for women?
Women need to understand that men do not have to have sex every few days. We get horny, it’s true, but so what? Should we as adults give in to every single urge, every craving, every impulse we have? Should we manipulate and exploit women just because we have a desire? My wife can turn me on just by being in the room, she’s gorgeous (I know that’s shallow but she does drive me wild). Her smile, her touch can still drive me crazy. Is that, therefore, license to invade her personal space, force myself upon her, and manipulate her to do something she had no intention of doing just because I’m a man and dammit, she should have to? Am I saying that I’m weak, I’m pathetic, I’m a slave to my emotions? Even though I teach my children to say no to their base instincts apparently I will never say no to mine. Pathetic. It is no wonder that so many women tell me that they have lost the magic, the desire, for sex with their partner. It is no shock, therefore, that so few women experience regular orgasms with their men.
This issue strikes at the heart of respect, understanding, and selfless love. It speaks to the selfishness and lack of honor that many men have been raised to feel about women. As I said in an earlier article we were raised to believe that sex is really about the male orgasm. Most men actually believe that is the purpose of sex.
They are so wrong.
Related articles
- Men, Why Your Orgasm Doesn’t Matter (scott-williams.ca)
- Ashamed To Be A Guy (scott-williams.ca)
- When Having Sex With Your Man Makes You Feel Cheap And Used (scott-williams.ca)
scott-williams.ca 
I’d love to know what you think about this blog —–> https://ressurrection.wordpress.com/2012/12/04/five-myths-about-sex-in-marriage/
For the record, most women want sex in marriage more than men. I do believe however that on either end it takes true love, maturity (self-control) and selflessness in order to learn your sexual relationship with your spouse.
No one should be manipulated into sex, and on the other hand, no one should feel bad for wanting it either. Out of you love, you will find answers that support your relationship.
thanks for writing.
Ressurrection
@AJourneyToLove
http://www.ressurrection.wordpress.com
http://www.facebook.com/ressurrectiongraves
I don’t understand it, my marriage must be one of the most bizarre in the world.
We have been married for twenty years and change now and when I am not traveling for business we have sex once to twice a day unless she is on her cycle (even then we are just shy of once a day) or one or both of us is sick. I don’t whine or cajole, neither she or I deserve that juvenile behavior, if she is not into it, that much less effort at the moment. I am convinced that I enjoy sex more, possibly more accurately I savor sex, the feel, the smells, the taste all for me as close to a drug as you can get, I think for my wife she enjoys the attention, closeness, adoration, and the results in the same way I savor the moment.
We communicate, our sex life is a common and regular subject we spend time reviewing and modifying. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, any pressure she has outside of the house besides the children’s school is removed, and I could not be happier with our decision on that matter. I have discovered that our rule of no conversations while the radio or television is blaring, and that any facts in an argument deserve google or personal reflection helps. We are far from perfect but we have been loyal from the beginning and have weathered many hardships, most financial, over the twenty years – we are still breathing and together.
I suppose that it never hurts that I learned not just competency but excellence in providing oral, and straight sex, it is no accident nor is is without effort. I just do not understand how so many marriages with less than three sexual encounters a week survive? How can a couple become intimate?
Love it Scott! Well said
Matt
Wow this was powerful for me. I stuggle with sex because of the abuse I’ve been through. My Hubby will never pressure me, in fact sometimes he will see, that I’m not in a place to do it and say no. My up bringing has taught me it’s not safe to say no, you can imagine what kind of trouble that got me in over the year. Thankfully I have a very good man who put me before his own needs.
Having said that, I have a message in my own mind that “I’m married, I should have sex” I’m sure that also comes from my upbringing but it’s loud and really causes a lot of stress. I feel so blessed that I have a Hubby who is very aware of my battle and the abuse I’ve been through and supports my needs.
I had the opposite problem. Yes different sex drives make a big difference. I was probably the only woman in the world that begged my husband to give him a blow job. He didn’t really like them. He wasn’t into sex. I unfortunately really enjoyed sex. It made it difficult. I hated it when he used sex as a tool to manipulate things. I finally just gave up on trying to ask him to have sex with me. It was too much of an issue.
and now we are happily divorced.
During my marriage, I gave into sex every few days to keep my now ex-husband relatively happy. He whined and sometimes became belligerent if he went “too long” without sex, so yes, I have kept the peace with sex. The problem was that I didn’t want to have sex with him – clearly there were bigger issues in our relationship…by the time I ended the relationship, sex was just another “issue” on my list of reasons why I no longer wanted to be with him…unfortunately for him, if he hadn’t whined or become cranky, we might have gone years without it…
I agree with a previous poster…I don’t think it was about the orgasm (and yes, he definitely wanted that)…I think he was trying to connect with me…and I was no longer interested…I would posit that if a relationship gets to the point where the only time sex is had occurs after whining or anger on the part of the man, it’s indicative of a much larger problem…
I agree, it’s a complex issue with the woman usually left feeling the guilty party.
This can be a problem of different sex drives and some underlying relationship problems when sex life is not cordial!
Great piece.
Although, in my experience, the sex is usually the first thing to go; when it does, it is usually a symptom of a bigger problem. If I am not having daily (exceptions being ill etc) sex with my significant other, I worry. I think, in defense of some men, the reason they push it is not simply because they want to get laid. But, perhaps because they are looking to reestablish that connection. Generally speaking, women are the talkers of the species, if we’re not feeling connected, we want to talk about it, we want to get to the heart of it and make the connection verbally, before we can feel sexual. Men on the other hand (note- this is a wide generalization) tend to think if the sex is still good, then everything is okay. I think it’s an oversimplification of a very complicated matter to paint men as the total bad guys here.
The key is good communication- both verbal and sexual.
If the woman doesn’t feel like having sex with her man (or man with his woman, for that matter) the larger issues need to be addressed.
Because, really, sex isn’t the issue
I agree with you.
See, the thing is that I don’t think that sex is good just because you’re having it. There’s a difference between sex and good sex!!! I can’t imagine what it’s like to have sex with someone who isn’t enjoying it, that would make me feel awful!
Reblogged this on submissive night owl and commented:
i know i am preaching to the choir here among the submissive community but i really wanted to share this post. Scott Williams is a very intuitive and compassionate writer and therapist and i love his blog. He gets it.
i lived this for 23 years, giving up sex to keep the peace. It was abusive, and it was terribly sad that my ex did not understand until too late just how abusive it was. It certainly broke our marriage and broke me, too. Fortunately, i am out of this situation.
Props to Scott Williams.
Dear Scott, I certainly hope that you are in the process of writing a book or maybe you already have. Your outlook on relationships is refreshing, especially significant is that you are male. When I was married sex was a turn off for a variety of reasons. 1.) my husband was very inexperienced and it was all about him. i had an orgasm because I worked at it. When I stopped the orgasms stopped. 2.) I was always pissed off about something he was doing or not doing–an angry wife is not condusive to good sex. serioulsy, we had sex once a month because I had to. On our wedding night I was so exhausted I really did not want to have sex but I knew I would never hear the end of it if I didn’t not exactly the best way to start a marriage is it? And the irony of it all? My sex drive is more like a man. If I am having sex I am having an orgasm. I am not someone to just cuddle with. I could have sex three times a day. I would love to have someone to have sex with on a daily basis. I love morning sex! Someday I will be some lucky man’s dream women because I have yet to meet the man that can keep up with me. But you are so correct sex should never be forced upon anyone. It was a “wifely duty” that I came to abhor.
Ya I am. Stopped for a but to concentrate on blogging but will get back at it soon since blogging is not as intense as I thought it would be.
Thank you!
Oy. I’ve been in that relationship; in my twenties, I went through one of those way-too-long breakups with someone because we were living together and needed to wait until logistics allowed him to move out. During that time I basically had the choice of not having sex with him and having him be nasty to me, or keeping him mollified with sex and having him be mellow and kind. It was bloody awful.
I’m very lucky these days to have men in my life who are far from the typical.
Why don’t they just masturbate? I know it’s “not as good”, but if they think they need it that bad at least they can get off and not be a-holes about it!! (PS I’m female).
My first husband was like that. If I didn’t have sex with him at least twice a week, he would give me the silent treatment for DAYS. He even forced me to have sex with him the DAY my doctor released me after having our first child (and I mean “forced” as in strongly coerced verbally), when I was still in a lot of pain. He said he just had to because it had been weeks. Poor thing. His way of greeting me after work was to come up behind me and grab my breasts. So romantic. Anyway….I ended up detesting the feel of his hands on me. I ended up gritting my teeth through sex and faking every orgasm just to get him off me. He called me a prude and said there was something wrong with me for not wanting it more. Eventually, I left him….and sex became wonderful again.
sadly this story is not an isolated one…
Thank you for sharing this. It makes me really think about how I have perceived the reason for sex (to make the man orgasm). I always thought I was open to sex. I love sex – but I hate when men whine about it.
I remember in the movie Two Can Play That Game, one of the girls says that women can withhold sex from their boyfriends for x amount of days (less than two weeks) before he starts thinking about hooking up with other girls. I remember thinking that has to be a sad way to live. I too would like sex every couple of days, but in reality, I only have sex a couple of times a month and I am in a committed relationship and I am fine. Sure I would like it more often, but I respect the person I am with enough to know that our relationship is based on a lot more than just sex.
True facts. And thankyou for getting out there and saying it. Nothing is wrong with these men – they just need to understand, need to become more sensitive to their partners’ needs. Talking about it is the first step to solving it.
My partner used to tell, me how frustrated he was if he didn’t get it. Now he’s stopped bugging me & lets me initiate. & funny enough I seem to want it more now that the pressures off. He also makes the whole experience about me & I love it! He is the best lover ever & our connection is almost spiritual. But he now understands if its not on too.
that’s awesome. unfortunately its a tale we hear too little. make sure you tell him you appreciate him! (i’m sure you probably already do).
This is an excellent post! Thanks, Scott!
Hi Scott,
Interesting post. This part made me laugh “If I hear of another whiny, manipulative male guilting their partner with this again I’m going to scream.” I know that you are serious about this, but it sounded funny to me…I can imagine how you feel.
I was going to respond to your post here; when I finished I realized that my response was really long! So I decided to reblog about it. It is not just men’s problem; women share a degree of responsibility on this. A couple needs two people in it, so whatever happens in that relationship has to do with both.
http://becominganlcdc.blogspot.com/2012/12/men-want-more-sex.html
yes you are right, this issue strikes at the heart of respect, understanding, and selfless love
I sometimes catch myself wondering if Scott isn’t short for Scotticia. Maybe you need to balance the scales a bit more. I hear enough of why men are terrible careless creatures from the rest of the world. Maybe talk about some decent aspects of the male species. Or more about how women are master manipulators. Because if it boiled down to men or women, we’d win on that. Great post nonetheless! 🙂
if i do will i get in trouble?
Scoticia…. don’t tell my friends. I have a rep to think about! (ok not much of one…)
I do have an article I’m working on about how women condescend to their guys and how it strikes at the heart of masculinity. I’m just not sure about it yet.
thanks for the input, I need it.
Hmm, could be interesting. I know we all generalize, but I can’t say even if I do it that it doesn’t irk me. I get mad when broad statements are made even based off truth. I guess to me it’s just not the whole truth and is like putting a blanket over a whole group of people. Or issues. There are always dimensions and different dynamics. Can a generalization be written or thought out to feature all the facets?
I totally generalize all the time on this blog. Not sure how to get around it without naming names. I do try to give specifics when I speak of my own experience. Other than that, it’s all generalizations.
I think this is why I rarely comment on it. lol ^.^
I totally agree with you Combat Babe. Some women can be very selfish, bitchy, manipulative, and even cruel with their husbands. I believe in two things: 1) who we end up in a relationship with is no accident; and 2) who we are in a relationship with says as much about us as it does about them.
Ah, memories of my first husband, and not good ones, either. Thank you for saying this, Scott!