Author: Scott Williams

clinical therapist, black belt, learner and specialist in trauma, depression, anxiety, relationships and spirituality.

You Don’t Even Know Me!

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Many men have no idea how to really pleasure a women.

Time after time in marriage counseling the female will turn to her spouse and, with a deep level of frustration, tell their man that he doesn’t know anything about women. “You don’t even know me. You don’t know how to please me sexually, you’ve never spent the time to learn about my body, my desires and my needs.”

For a man to hear he is a poor lover is a very bitter pill to swallow; especially in front of a counselor.

Almost without exception the man will look dumbfounded and confused and will have difficulty understanding what she has said. He is also extremely frustrated. She doesn’t seem as romantic as she once was. She constantly sends out mixed signals which he cannot decipher correctly. He has been shut down so many times he is now afraid to initiate anything.

The woman will often go on to say, usually in very hurtful tones, that she views sex as a duty, devoid of the passion it once had. He is not the only partner that is frustrated. Many men appear to lack the ability to understand what makes a woman tick; their needs, their hopes and the way they relate sexually and emotionally. I have met few men who have spent the necessary time to find out about their lovers anatomy or her sexual and romantic preferences. I’m not blaming men exclusively, this issue strikes to the heart of our insecurities and most of us have no idea how and where to learn about women except from the twisted perspective we have seen in pornography. What guy is going to ask his buddies for sexual advice? We’ve been lying about our sexual prowess for years and we’re not about to admit that we don’t know how to satisfy a woman.

It is tragic that men really have no idea where to turn to learn and they are afraid to ask. It’s time to pull back the curtain and be honest with each other. In my couples groups I challenge men to learn about their ladies. I challenge women to teach their man about what pleases them. I encourage women to talk about the role of trust, safety and the need to feel affirmed and connected before romance, because a majority of men have no idea what I’m talking about right now, and how important these things are to women. A shocking number of men do not appreciate or understand such elementary female parts as the clitoris. They continue to think that women are instantly ready for sex even after a psychologically draining day or commitments, arguments, and hassles.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if couples could put aside their insecurity and shame and see this as an opportunity, not just a problem – a challenge, even a dare, to find out the most intimate physical and emotional details of the person that means the most to you – with some amazing homework! There are even websites and hundreds of books dedicated to helping men understand what apparently is uncharted territory.

What a challenge. What an adventure! Women teach your man, you’ll be glad you did. Men, humble yourself enough to ask. Work on this together, you’re worth it.

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We Believe In You

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It took me fifteen years to get my black belt in Sun Hang Do Martial Arts. Some people do it in four but apparently I am a slow learner. That and the fact that I took a ‘break’ for ten years. I had been only a few months from my black belt exam when my life fell apart. Soon after I rebroke my knee, and because of the state of mind I was in, didn’t think I could come back. For ten years I avoided people I knew at Sun Hang Do and lived with regret. Getting a black belt was something I had dreamed of since I was nine or ten years of age.

A dream that had died.

A few years ago, however, I ran into an old friend and martial arts master, Dave Kinney, who encouraged me to try again. Coming back was difficult, humiliating, and more physically demanding than I would have believed.

But I am a stubborn person.

Last May, fighting off two weeks of Mononucleosis, I showed up for the infamous black belt test. As the eight-hour test was about to start, Dave’s brother, and another amazing guy, Brian Kinney, came up to me and said he wanted to help me have a good day. He opened his wallet and produced a business card with a dime taped to it – a memento of a talk I had given during another black belt test twelve years earlier.

A memento that he has kept in his wallet all these years. Another brilliant martial artist and friend, Kumar Bandyo, still has his as well.

Sometimes it is easy to wonder if you make a difference in this world. The martial art I take part in is dedicated to changing the world. That morning Brian reminded me that anyone, even me, can make a difference.
Brian is the third member of Sun Hang Do that has told me he still had his dime, and the only one to produce it. Thanks Brian, that really touched me.

Here is the story I used, not my own, so many years ago. After telling it I handed out a business card with the dime taped to it, the Sun Hang Do Logo on the front, and the words, “we believe in you.”

In 1965 the quarterback for the Green Bay Packers was a guy named Bart Starr. He was a great football player but more importantly, he was a great dad.

He had a son, his namesake, Bart Jr. Every time Bart Jr. brought home a paper from school with good marks, or did well in life his dad would write him a note that said something like, “Son, I really believe in you. I’m proud of what you’re doing. Keep going, I love you, Dad.” And then he’d take the dime and scotch tape it on a piece of paper. That dime to his son began to be a symbol to him of his dad really believing in him.

One weekend the Packers went to St. Louis to play the Cardinals, and Bart Starr played the worst game of his entire career. He was intercepted three times, literally lost the game for his team. He flew back to Green Bay, got off the plane and went home, totally deflated and feeling down.

He walked into his bedroom that night and on the dresser was a note from his son. It said, “Dad I really believe in you. I’m proud of what you’re doing. Keep going, I love you….. Bart. And taped to the note ….. was a dime.

When you feel like you are losing and no one cares, when you wonder if you can make it; it’s good to know someone is cheering you on.

Here’s your dime.

Dime Bar

Drinking Games

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18 ... legal drinking ageThere is something about the cultural dimension of social problems that eludes us. When confronted with the rowdy youth in the bar, we are happy to raise his drinking age, to tax his beer, to punish him if he drives under the influence, and to push him into treatment if his habit becomes an addiction. But we are reluctant to provide him with a positive and constructive example of how to drink. The consequences of that failure are considerable, because, in the end, culture is a more powerful tool in dealing with drinking than medicine, economics, or the law.     Malcolm Gladwell

Casual Friday – You’re a Williams!

Published on by Scott Williams2 Comments

365: Day 140, YOU're awesomeOne day I went on a walk with my dad. Some of you have issues with your fathers but I don’t. My father is a player, a lover, a best friend. He may be a half a foot too short, but women love my dad. He knows how to treat a lady. When you are around my father you can’t help but feel special. He has that effect on people.

Once, years ago, some friends went on a road trip and unbeknownst to me they showed up at my parents place. My parents had no idea they were coming. An hour or so after their arrival they called me… from the hot tub. At that very moment my father was bringing them a cheese platter and sparkling apple juice. That’s my pop. He loves people and it shows.

He has always been my biggest fan. If I was even indicted for killing someone my dad would probably visit my jail cell and tell me “they had it coming”. His loyalty has no limits. He was the man who taught me about loyalty. My children know the word too. Family is everything.

That walk was many years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday. Through strained emotions my dad asked me, “whatever happened to your self-esteem? I always knew you to be the most confident person I have known. You believed you could do anything, and you usually did.” At the time I had no insightful answer for him. It has been years since that conversation and I am only now beginning to understand what was happening to me during those years of my life.

I started out as a winner. I believed in ‘me’. But when one or a few of the most important people in your life remind you constantly how much of a loser you are, when you know every day you don’t measure up, when you have artificial constraints placed upon you, you begin to die inside. Some of you know what I am saying. You have people in your life who are disappointed in you as well. They remind you that you don’t measure up. They judge you and reprimand you and rate your performance. And slowly and little by little you succumb to their criticisms.

I have been rereading Malcolm Gladwell’s “Outliers”. He is my favorite author, this month. Gladwell contends that there is no such thing as a self-made man or woman. Every successful person has a series of seemingly insignificant advantages – from the month they were born to the place where they happen to go to school. Gates was no accident. Neither was Einstein. Each of these individuals had something stacked in their favor, some winning edge. A significant majority of successful hockey players, for example, were born early in the year. They were more advanced, got more breaks, more ice time, better grooming. He makes a strong case.

My dad and mom instilled in me a sense of value. It is hard to under-estimate the impact that has had in my life. Both my parents were from humble beginnings and had no shortage of people reminding them that they were losers. Neither of my parents came from advantage. My father was an orphan. But somehow, for some reason, they invented the myth that I carry to this day. Though my relatives were a bunch of cattle thieves and alcoholics I grew up believing that to be a “Williams” was something special, almost magical.

I am thankful to my parents for their investment in my life. I have tried to follow their example and instill in my own children a sense of pride in their family and their worth. It’s easy to do, they’re awesome. My boys were raised to think being a Williams was like winning the lottery. As young kids they couldn’t understand why everyone didn’t want to be a Williams. My young son recently had a son of his own and every time we get together one of us will remind five month old Angus Scott that he is a Williams, that he can do anything.

In a world that reminds us on a daily basis we don’t measure up I am thankful that, from my youth, I was told I was special. It is a legacy I am proud of. And why wouldn’t I be… I’m a Williams.

Emotional Vampires

Published on by Scott Williams6 Comments

 

Got blood?Know any emotional vampires?

You know the type – they suck the emotional life right out of you. They are the victims, the needy; the person with a hole in their heart you can never hope to fill. Most of us know someone like this, many of us are in a relationship or related to at least one. Some of us work for one. No matter what the connection they never seem to get enough, you can never seem to give enough.

They come in many shapes and sizes – from the passive-aggressive relative who constantly makes you feel guilty about not paying enough attention to them, to the romantic interest who can’t live without you and needs you to constantly emotionally carry them. Emotional vampires are everywhere. They are takers.

There are three kinds of relationships in this world. There are those people who, after you have spent time together you feel refreshed, more alive. There are those people who are neutral; being with them is a wash. Then there are the vampires. They drain your emotional tank, and if you are not careful they will suck you dry.

For years I did not understand the importance of my emotional tank. I was taking martial arts and working out. I was reading and learning and growing as a person. I had an active and engaging spiritual/philosophical life. So why was I battling a low grad depression? Why didn’t I care about people like I used to? I didn’t understand that I had an emotional tank that I was constantly taking withdrawals from and not replenishing. I had no one who was filling my tank. Like many of you I was raised to get much of my self-esteem from helping people. Nothing was more important than being needed and meeting needs. Unfortunately I had no way of knowing that there is an endless number of people who wanted a piece of me. There is literally no end to the number of people who need help.

Those of you who are caretakers have it the worst. In my groups I will turn to the women at this point and ask how many of them are mothers? Undoubtedly most will raise their hands. Then I will usually say, “And you moms are the worst.” Why? Because mothers seem to be trained to be givers, to love and live sacrificially. They are the worst at self-care. They are the least selfish. While this is a wonderful character trait is can be a psychologically damaging way to live. You are constantly giving with regard to your own emotional tank. Is it any wonder than that so many middle-aged people are battling meaninglessness and depression? So many of us have emotionally burned out. We have nothing left to give.

So I ask you the same question I endeavor to ask myself on a regular basis – How is your emotional tank? Are you taking care of yourself? Do you equate self-care with selfishness? Do you feel guilty doing things for yourself?

Have any vampires in your life?

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Guest Blogger – “Living With A Narcissist”

Published on by Scott Williams5 Comments

Oil on canvas*this article originally aired for approximately one hour until the writer was worried about being found out…

Wednesdays I host a guest blogger – professionals, clients, friends, strangers; stories of success and failure, people who are suffering, some who are opinionated, all of whom are a work in progress. These are struggles about real life issues. If you are interested in telling your story email me at info@scott-williams.ca.

Back a few years ago, narcissist was a word I was only vaguely familiar with.  A word in a book title, a word describing someone in someone else’s life,  a word I had trouble spelling.  Two years and hundreds of hours of counseling and self work later, narcissism is something I think about everyday.  I don’t want to, mind you, but when you wake up beside a narcissist every morning, you better know what you’re dealing with.

For years, I had no idea what I was dealing with. My life looked good from the outside and I couldn’t pin down the reasons for my constant turmoil and distress.  My spouse was the very picture of perfect, everyone told me so.  Much of the time, I even believed it myself.   But belaying his sugar-coated exterior was a cavalier disregard for precise truth, concealed agendas, subtle manipulation and veiled devaluation that I experienced on a daily basis; all in the name of a higher good.   I’d become so accustomed to this, I took it as normal.  My sense of normal was skewed, to say the least.

Over the course of my marriage, I slowly lost my self-worth, faith, hope and ability to cope. I was convinced I was the problem, and so were many others. I second guessed all my perceptions and my internal world became so distorted, I wasn’t even sure what was real anymore.  Was I crazy, lazy, fallen, and below par as my spouse so subtly and repeatedly implied, or was he not who he appeared to be?

It’s taken me a long time to wrap my head around what narcissism really is.  Imagine slowly discovering everything you thought about your spouse was dead-ass wrong.  That all the admirable qualities you’d attributed to them, all the good intentions you thought they had, all the motivations you thought stemmed from love actually came from their need for self-aggrandizement.  Then imagine discovering your spouse isn’t really capable of intimacy, true empathy, honesty or truly loving you or your kids.  Is it any wonder it takes so long to wrap your head around such a thing?

And what in the world do you do when that brutal realization finally makes its way in?

Well I’m still learning and I imagine it’ll be awhile yet.  But here’s a tip I wish I’d paid attention to earlier.  When something doesn’t feel right in your life, find yourself a good counselor.  Then tell the truth and deal with yourself.  It took me 22 years of denial, doubt, and second guessing to hit breaking point. Don’t wait that long.

And then educate yourself about narcissism and it’s effects.   I’m learning to question all my assumptions, look for secondary motivations,  trust my gut instincts, have no expectations of a normal marriage; and trying to be patient with how damn long it takes to begin to feel whole again.

This is an unfinished story for me still.  One of learning to understand myself, my circumstances and live at peace in spite of.  It’s easy to become overwhelmed and lose sight of personal change.  But I think it’s coming, in slow painstaking millimeters, and with it hopefully better days.

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stick and stones may break my bones but words have the power to destroy me (or you)

Cate Reddell's avatarInfinite Sadness... or hope?

“Sticks and stones may break my
bones but words will
never hurt me!”

Believe this?

These are the words I remember shouting out at kids in the playground who called me names.  I was taught this rhyme, and at the time I think was probably convinced that it was true, but only because I didn’t understand that harm other than physical harm existed.  I thought that “words would never hurt me” because, well how could a word trip me over and leave me bleeding on the pavement?

Now I know better.  Now I know that words often hurt.  Too often words are spoken (or written) without thought for the possibility of hurt being caused.

In the last few days I’ve been reminded of this over, and over again.  For myself, I have been called names that I’ve never been called before, sparked by my expressing an unpopular opinion. …

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Lies We Tell Ourselves #2 – You Can Have It All

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Cover“Decide what you want .. believe you can have it, believe you deserve it, believe it’s possible for you Thoughts are magnetic, and thoughts have a frequency. As you think, those thoughts are sent out into the Universe, and they magnetically attract all like things that are on the same frequency. Everything sent out returns to its source. And that source is You”.– The Secret

Seriously? Do you really believe that if you want something bad enough that the universe will realign itself to make that happen for you. Really?

Life is not a beer commercial, you can’t have it all. You can wish all you want but your cancer may not disappear. No amount of ‘visioning’ will bring your deadbeat dad back home. Reading the Secret over and over will never force your spouse to love you. It just isn’t reality. The reason philosophies like “The Secret” are so prevalent is because they sound great. Who doesn’t want their wildest dreams to come true?”

I remember growing up around Christians who believed that God will give us whatever we want if we had enough faith. While it sounded great in theory it did not wash in reality. I have met many people who have believed this ridiculous philosophy who have been left feeling insecure, guilt-ridden and insecure. Why didn’t God answer their prayers? Weren’t they spiritual enough? Maybe they didn’t try hard enough, or had some hidden sin in their life, or weren’t working the formula correctly. Whatever the reason it must have been their fault.

Every day we hear on commercials, in self-help books, in songs and movies that we can everything in life we ever dreamed of if we will have the right ‘go for it’ attitude. And it’s a lie. As I mentioned in an earlier post the world is not fair and there is no guarantee that you will be rich, happy, and famous. Sometimes good things do happen to bad people. Sometimes the best of us suffer the most. As Oscar Wilde said, “no good dead goes unpunished”.

It’s easy to look around and see others who seem to have it all. It can make us salivate, covet and dream. It is also easy to define our value and success by what we have or what we do. Culture has an obsession with performance, an obsession with success. As much as we hate to admit it we have tied our concept of success with material success and notoriety.

The Secret attempts to combine Christianity, quantum physics, and more in an effort to convince readers that our minds are some sort of universal force governed by frequencies and wavelengths and so on. This is bullshit of the highest order.  Where is the evidence? Where is the reality?

Everything that happens to us is a result of our thinking? Really. Six million Jews? Tsunami victims? What, they’re all collectively wishing the ocean would wash them away? If you can buy into a philosophy that says six million Jews were killed because on some level they willed it, The Secret may be for you.

Don’t get me wrong: the psychological ideas at the heart of The Secret are excellent. I firmly believe that there is true power in positive thinking. Believing in yourself is a great way to develop confidence. But The Secret promises too much; it goes too far in declaring that the Universe will grant all of your desires if you simply wish hard enough.

In the real world we cannot have it all and to believe this lie only bringing heartache, disappointment, and bitterness.

I love the second half of the Serenity Prayer where it says,
“Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life.

Reasonable happy. I like that. Real change doesn’t come from some flavour of the month book title it comes from within, from you. You have the ability to change your life today, talk to someone who can help.

Are You Headed For A Breakup?

Published on by Scott Williams4 Comments

LOL Just divorced. And no, that's not my car.Malcolm Gladwell is one of my favorite authors. He has written several award winning books including Blink, Tipping Point, Outliers, and What the Dog Saw. Gladwell is a story teller who is able to pull the most unusual stories out of otherwise mundane events. He explains why most professional hockey players are born in the first few months of the year, why it makes good economic sense to give free homes wot homeless people, and he tells the story of John Gottman.

Gottman is a therapist who specializes in micro-expressions in relationships, among other things. If you have ever seen the failed TV series, “Lie To Me“, then you probably have heard of micro-expressions. Gottman believes that, by closely observing facial clues and physical body reactions during a couple’s interactions that you can, with some surety, predict the likelihood of them staying together or breaking up. He brags that after only a few hours with any couple he can tell, with 95% accuracy, whether or not this couple will still be together in five years.

Anyone who works with couples can tell you that you don’t need to look for micro-expressions to be able to tell if a couple is going to make it. After working with hundreds of fighting couples you develop a sense of intuition. You can usually tell, within minutes, if a couple is in trouble or not. This is because couples have an emotional divorce long before they ever have a legal one. To everyone on the outside things are going fine but the couple has already started emotionally disengaging from each other. They begin to realize, often subconsciously, that they cannot be honest with each other, that they cannot connect on a deep level without being criticized or devalued.

Couples who are getting an emotional divorce are angry. Things that would not be hurtful coming from a complete stranger are painful and derisive. They seem to be mad at each other all the time and will tell you, “he/she makes me so angry”. The smallest things become issues of contention.

There is a certain wisdom in second marriages. Getting with a new partner who doesn’t know your triggers gives you a chance to have an emotional honeymoon before you start to piss each other off. Unfortunately, though, the other person will eventually find out you chew your nails, or open your mouth when you chew, or have stupid opinions and you will be facing the

Here are three sure fire signs that you may be heading for an emotional divorce:
1. You no longer communicate like you used to.
Couples in trouble stop connecting on a romantic level. They can no longer have deep conversations. Eventually they cannot have any form of conversation. They have been together so long that they know each others ‘buttons’. Every word out of their mouths is ‘loaded’ or at least perceived to be so. Couples at this stage come to realize that real communication with the other is impossible and your partner doesn’t get you and probably never will.

2. You start keeping score.
Another early sign of emotional divorce is when you become resentful about doing things for your partner, such as picking up their messes or going out of your way to help them. Relationship therapists call this ‘score-keeping’. This refers to the tendency to unconsciously tally up who is getting what from the relationship. That whole concept of sacrifice was nice in theory but you begin to notice an imbalance in who is giving and who is taking. You are tired of sacrificing for someone who is selfish.

Couples who are emotionally divorcing no longer look to their partner to be their best friend. They realize that this other person can no longer meet their deepest needs and continue to disengage. These couples usually find their sex life waning in importance and many of the females no longer emotionally connect and therefore experience fewer and fewer orgasms or satisfying sexual encounters.

3. Criticism has become your preferred method of communication.
Couples who are destined for the court room have come to realize that they can no longer work with their partner to overcome issues and have decided that they can criticize, negate, put down, and use passive-aggressive hints to get their way.

Criticism is the absolute best way to find yourself surfing Match.com in the coming years. Every day I speak with partners who think they can somehow get what they need by putting their significant other in their place.

So how is your relationship doing? If you are having significant communication problems, have starting keeping score, and are critical of your spouse; then chances are you are headed for an emotional divorce and will eventually give up half your stuff. Don’t minimize the problem. Couples who are not willing to address these insipid issues are virtually guaranteed to be divorced in the future.

There are no special cases. There are no partnerships ‘made in heaven’. A healthy relationship is not a miracle. There are no happy couples who are that way simply because it was ‘meant to be’. There are few exceptions in this world of choices – if you don’t do the work you will be divorced and alone. A good marriage/relationship is extremely hard work and only those who are willing to humbly work every day on their stuff with another person who is equally committed are going to make it.

Coming Up: How To Know If Your Relationship Is Right.

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Ordinary People

Published on by Scott Williams5 Comments

I was in Kananaskis Park one year around the time of the big G8 Summit and there were huge preparations to welcome the superstars. I was in Denver when the pope visited – 5 helicopters for the religious superstar.

They didn’t have to clear customs like ordinary people, they were special.

I don’t exactly get that kind of treatment. In fact I’m not sure the border patrol holds me in high regard. It all started that day when I was coming back from the states… and what I thought I said was, “I was a speaker at a youth camp helping to bring teenagers to higher levels of social and emotional responsibility”.

That’s what I said, I was sure I said… but apparently they heard me say –“there is a body in the trunk”. I did not get to fly home in five helicopters, nor did I warrant a free pass through customs. I did warrant, however, an uncomfortable hour with a border guard who had his way with me but didn’t buy me dinner first. I am not a superstar. By most accounts I am not even a major player in any arena.

We are told everyday that we are just ordinary folk. You feel that way when you stand like cattle in the line at the coffee shop, or wait in line at Cosco behind that woman who insists on exact change and takes forever to get it. Even the ugly people on television are better looking than I am. They are hardly ordinary.

You probably never met Duke Harris. When I met him he was a teenager already dying, I just didn’t know that at the time. He was quiet, almost reclusive, around me. What I did not know was that he was a mighty warrior, a life bringer. In his own quiet way he continually went out of his comfort zone with his friends. He was more concerned about their welfare then his own. He was the one with cancer but you would never know it.

I remember the day I met his parents. Duke just stood behind them and beamed. He was proud of the love he knew, and he gave it away constantly in the face of insurmountable odds. Courage, right to the end. And then some.

I remember timidly strolling outside to tell Duke’s friends that he was dying. I will never forget the commitment those friends had, the raw love and compassion they felt.

The incredible thing about Duke was that he was painfully shy. He was not beautiful, with his balding head burned by radiation. Nor was he a gifted communicator. All Duke had was his quiet passion, commitment, and sacrificial love. People were drawn to him, though he never spoke to a crowd or published a line.

He was just a kid who passed way before his time. There were no crowds to cheer when he came by, no press to cover his sickness. No one read about his exploits in Variety.

When Duke died all he left was an enduring legacy, eventually a foundation in his honor, and dozens, even hundreds of people whose lives were indelibly changed by that one ordinary life. 

I’m ok with being ordinary, I guess.

Living With A Perfectionist… Good Luck!

Published on by Scott Williams6 Comments

English: perfectionist measuring and cutting grass

Perfectionists spend most of their time dreading the next potential failure, and successes are met with a feeling of temporary relief, rather than with a feeling of satisfaction in having done a thing well. Self-esteemdoes not build from feelings of relief, or the temporary reprieve of having succeeded at something. Lacking a deep and consistent source of self-esteem, failures hit especially hard for perfectionists, and may lead to long bouts of depression and withdrawal in some individuals.

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Further, perfectionist individuals are often hypersensitive to perceived rejection or possible evidence of failure, and there is a fundamental rigidity in the relentless stance of bracing for failure. Unfortunately, when an individual is caught up in the bondage of perfectionist striving, that person is likely to be less interested in developing a healthy, mutually satisfying marriage and more interested in chasing the elusive rabbit in his or her own head.

Along these lines, partners of perfectionist individuals often comment on their partner’s emotional unavailability. It is very hard for a perfectionist to share his or her internal experience with a partner. Perfectionists often feel that they must always be strong and in control of their emotions. A perfectionist may avoid talking about personal fears, inadequacies, insecurities, and disappointments with others, even with those with whom they are closest. Naturally, this greatly limits emotional intimacy in a marriage.

Perfectionist individuals can also be fiercely competitive, even with their partners. Feelings of inadequacy may set the stage for downward social comparison within their own homes (“at least I’m more successful than my wife is”). Celebrating the victories of a spouse may be especially hard if such success threatens a perfectionist partner’s sense of being “the more competent partner” in the relationship.

The exhaustion that comes from striving to be perfect can also lead a perfectionistic individual to give up in the face of obstacles. Related to this, I’ve worked with a number of patients who classify themselves as perfectionists. At the same time, pictures they’ve shown me of their home environments sometimes look like the homes of hoarders.  At first, it may seem puzzling that a person who lives in squalor could identify him or herself as a “perfectionist.” However, if a driving factor in an individual’s psyche is the thought, “it I can’t do it perfectly, I don’t even want to do it at all,” then the living conditions of such perfectionists makes sense.

Perfectionism and Marriage, for Equals 

A marriage of equals is hard to create when one (or both) partner(s) are perfectionists. A marriage of equals is a partnership between two people who see each other as true equals. Not only must they be true equals, but both must be open to influencing each other continuously in order to become perfect for, and irreplaceable to, each other.

As I have argued in my book (www.marriageforequals.com), the way to partner with a soul mate is not to arrive as the perfect match for each other, but to become this over time. The key is how you will shape each other in the marriage as your life together unfolds.  Mutual growth towards this end requires each partner to express a full range of emotions, including feelings associated with a sense of personal vulnerability.

Giving and receiving feedback about the impact we have on each other calls for unconditional self-esteem that does not over-depend on others’ evaluations of us. The self-esteem we derive from living a life consistent with our deepest values gives us the emotional freedom to learn and grow without fearing the shame of rejection. Striving for perfection leaves us empty and unstable, foundering like ships without anchors in a turbulent ocean.

What if you are a Perfectionist? 

Perfectionism can be treated in therapy. Some of the same treatments that work for individuals with obsessive compulsive personality features have equal potency in the treatment of perfectionism. Any treatment that works requires you to initially tolerate significant anxiety and ultimately befriend the awareness of personal imperfection.

When perfectionism has been conquered, healthy self-esteem can flower, and when it does, you are much more likely to attract someone with the potential and desire to work at becoming the perfect partner for you (as opposed to the perfect human being).

via Psychology Today

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Casual Friday – Taking a Shower

Published on by Scott Williams2 Comments

I was in the shower. Stop. Don’t try to visualize this or it may scar you.

I was in the shower.

For 30+ years I had been struggling with feeling like a loser. I have come to realize that many of us struggle with self-esteem issues, but as I reflect, it seems apparent now that I had a very jaded view of myself and was prone to believe I was an outsider in society. As a hyperactive child I was constantly being belittled by adults. In high school I did not develop physically like other teenage boys. Skinny, I still had fat deposits instead of pectorals. As an adult I chose to enter a career designed and maintained by pseudo-introverts, politically correct personality types. Believing I could never fit in, that my temperament was somehow ‘flawed’ it became easy to act like a rebel, an outsider. I took pride in the fact that I was different, controversial, an opinionated and unbending ass at times.

So I was in the shower…

Every now and then there is a moment of clarity not induced by Percocets or Cheetos – an epiphany that stays with a person. Some people have them in church, others at a retreat, or in nature, or at a moving play – I had my life changing event while soaping areas you don’t want to know about. While there is a certain romance in believing that I suddenly realized something, that I had an epiphany, the facts would determine otherwise. The moments of reflection in those wet moments were born out of a lifetime of insecurity and reflection.

It is easy to believe that events are born in a vacuum, that they just “happen”. Malcolm Gladwell, in his book “Outliers”, argues that vacuums rarely happen. Bill Gates didn’t just come up with the Microsoft phenomenon by himself, overnight. He was the product of a myriad of circumstances that converged to produce a great idea. In his words, “Superstar lawyers and math whizzes and software entrepreneurs appear at first blush to lie outside ordinary experience. But they don’t. They are products of history and community, of opportunity and legacy. Their success is not exceptional or mysterious. It is grounded in a web of advantages and inheritances, some deserved, some not, some earned, some just plain lucky – but all critical to making them who they are. The outlier, in the end, is not an outlier at all.” (Gladwell, 2008)

That day in the shower I realized that I had spent my whole life feeling bad about who I was. I had ample evidence to support my feelings of inadequacy and the experiences of life only served to confirm that I did not measure up. But in that moment it came to me “all of a sudden” that I was supremely tired of being hard on myself. Yes I may be a marginal personality,  but surely this was not wholly a bad thing. What if it was ok to like myself, in spite of glaring faults and shortcomings. I had spent years feeling inadequate and seeking to change myself (with only limited success), but with what result? In spite of countless hours and attempts to change my fundamental self I still remained largely the same person – extroverted, opinionated… marginal.

That day I decided I would no longer fight to become something I could not be. No longer would I apologize for what I could not change and berate myself because I was not like other, more seemingly stable, people. I was done.

I wish I could say I have never had occasion to feel bad about who I am again, but alas some battles continue to be lost and won for some time. I do know, however, that I was fundamentally changed that day. Like all of us I have had my fair share of insecurities and feelings of worthlessness. I have many people who can and have lined up to tell me what kind of disappointment I have been. It is easy to believe them… but not today.

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You Aren’t As Good As You Think You Are

Published on by Scott Williams8 Comments

My wife is ‘frigid’.

Really?

I have known many men who accuse their wife of being frigid, of not wanting sex. Conversely, I have spoken to women who have stated that their man has no idea what women’s needs are, that plop into bed at midnight, and even though they have virtually ignored their partner all day cannot understand why the woman is not immediately “into it”. They have told me that their man doesn’t realize that sexual intimacy is a very invasive, emotionally complex experience, and that women have different needs then men when it comes to sex.

Unfortunately, the majority of women I talk to over thirty years of age think that they have an obligation to have sex with their husband because he is frustrated and apparently needs her to fulfill his physiological need. Many male partners are also whiny, make passing remarks about their unfulfilled needs, and tend to emotionally blackmail their partners until they give in.

Sadly these women often report that they rarely engage in meaningful sexual intimacy; that the whole episode is over in minutes, and their needs are rarely, if ever, met. It is nothing short of astounding how many women, who have been with their partner for years and decades, have resigned themselves to a ritual that no longer carries much meaning.

What is the problem? Are these women simply frigid? Or is something else going on?

psychologist Asiphe Ndlela ties lack of sexual interest to a woman’s relationship with her partner. Ndlela says men need a place for having sex, women need a purpose.

“Female sexuality is complex. At its core is a need for closeness and intimacy. Women also have physical needs. When there is an emotional or physical problem, they can have sexual problems.”

She says a lack of interest in sex can also be triggered by family problems, illness or death, financial or job worries, in-law problems, childcare responsibilities, managing a career and children, previous or current physical and/or emotional abuse, past history of sexual abuse, fatigue and depression.

Men don’t usually struggle with such issues where sex is involved. If you show up naked we’re usually good to go. Men are microwaves. Just turn us on and we are heated up and ready to go. Women are more like slow cookers. They often take some time to warm up but tend to keep things quite hot once they do. I read an article by one therapist this week who insisted that men should never engage in sexual romance with their female partner unless they are willing to spend forty minutes to help their partner enjoy themselves. That is amazing advice. Men also need to realize that for women there is a stronger emotional component and issues such as stress, work, relationships and problems can have an effect on her libido.

Men, take the time to find out how your wife is doing before you suggest romance. Make sure you are available to talk and connect. Become a student of your wife’s needs and pleasures. If you really want to find out how to make your wife happy why not ask her? You might be very glad you did!

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Guest Blogger – I’m a Sex Addict. I’m Also a Pastor.

Published on by Scott Williams3 Comments

Wednesdays I host a guest blogger – professionals, clients, friends, strangers; stories of success and failure, people who are suffering, some who are opinionated, all of whom are a work in progress. These are struggles about real life issues. If you are interested in telling your story email me at info@scott-williams.ca.

“Is that all? Is there anything else?”

“Uh huh…Is that all? Is there anything else?”

That’s pretty much all I heard for three hours as I recited the list of all the people I hated, all the fears I had, the long list of my sexual misconducts, and the ways I had harmed pretty much everyone I had ever met. Before that day, I had never told anyone most of the things on that list.

I’m a sex addict. I’m also a minister. That’s why this article is anonymous. Think what you like about that combination, I didn’t choose either one of those identities. One’s a wound, the other’s a gift. One is who I am, the other is who I’m called to be.

I can’t remember the first time I was exposed to porn. It was ever-present in my family, but never truly visible, never openly talked about. It was one of those things that adults could joke about in their indirect way, but an innocently curious kid could never get a straight answer about. I was just someone to laugh at and tell, “Wait until you’re older.”

When I got caught trying to find out what all the jokes were about, I was mildly rebuked and whatever I was trying to look at was taken away. It became a warped kind of game: find a magazine, sneak it someplace private and try to understand what it was all about, then get caught and teased for being so “curious”. It turned into an adrenaline-based obsession with the mysteries of sex.

Consequently, women have always stirred a mixture of shame and wonder in me that I still can’t really understand. My early exposure to porn added a sexualized “twist” to every interaction I have with a member of the female gender. I have always felt that I needed to both hide and apologize for that “twist”, even before I went into the ministry.

All through High School and Bible College I knew I had to “get it under control”. Of course I knew it was incompatible with my faith and my calling – I’m not stupid, nor am I without a conscience. So I went to work: Self-control. Cold showers. “Eyes on the face”. Bible reading. Accountability groups. Tear-filled confessions to girlfriends. On again/off again relationships. “Purity commitments.”

By some miracle, I got married, and hoped things would get better. What a joke. A real person with her own baggage was no match for my infinite curiosity/shame cycle. Despite what most people think about porn, it wasn’t that her appearance couldn’t measure up to the images. It was that her appetite could never match my curiosity, my need to know, and my longings to try and explore and experiment. I didn’t think she was a doll or some plaything, I just didn’t really know ANYTHING (and yes, I still feel that way after a more than two decades of marriage).

So there I was, preaching God’s Word every week, daily helping people with their problems. Surfing porn every chance I got, trying to quit every time I surfed. Hypocrite. Guilty. Dirty. Shameful. The more guilt I heaped on myself, the worse I felt. The worse I felt, the more I needed something to make myself feel better. This led to increasingly greater compulsions to surf, leading to more guilt. A wretched, solitary cycle with no end in sight.
And then, out of the blue, a miracle happened. Someone in my church asked me to do a “Fifth Step” with him. I had no idea what that was, so I asked my friend Scott. He explained it to me – told me what to do, how to not react, what to say at the end. So, I booked some time at a monastery. This guy and I went into a room and he started talking.

And talking.

And talking.

I listened, nodded and said, “Is that all, do you have anything else you need to tell me?” And at the end, I looked him in the eyes and say, “Now that you’ve confessed all these things with God and one other person, you are forgiven.”

I’ll never forget the change that came over that man. You had to be there to believe it. It was as if light entered his body and shone out his face. Tears of gold streamed down into his goatee. This tough old drunk jumped up, grabbed me in a death-hug and sobbed for what felt like an hour. Then he turned around and walked out the door.

Alone in the room, standing in shock at what had just happened, the thought came to me, “I wonder who I could ask to do that for me?” I couldn’t think of anybody good, so I asked Scott. (Actually, that’s kind of the truth – I didn’t want to do this with ANYONE. But I picked Scott as the best option I had.) We went for a drive, and he did the same thing to me that he told me to do to that other guy. He listened and asked, “Is there anything else?” Even though I knew what he was doing, I found myself telling him everything. All the stuff I was embarrassed about. Things I was ashamed of. Things I was ashamed of being ashamed of. Everything I could remember came out on that drive.

Greatest gift ever. Suddenly I knew I wasn’t alone. Suddenly I wasn’t the only one who ever struggled. I wasn’t a hypocrite anymore, because someone else knew the whole story, the real me. Someone saw that confused, curious little boy that just couldn’t get any answers. Someone heard all my scary, stupid, shameful shit and didn’t run away screaming. Or laughing. I think that’s what I was most afraid of, now that I think about it – having my depravity laughed at. Having my sickness being pointed at as being small and weak and pathetic. My first step five dignified my sin as being bad enough to need confession, but not bad enough to need condemnation. And then it washed it all away.

Notice I said my FIRST step five. Much as I’d like to say that was the key to a miraculous transformation, and that lust and shame are no longer a part of my life, that’s not the case. There’s no magic bullet for me. Almost fifteen years after that day, and multiple times through the 12 Steps, I still struggle. I still bring a sexual “twist” into every interaction with a woman. And I still feel a twinge of shame & a desire to apologize for it. My marriage is still “interesting”. I carry an extra load every day in addition to the “normal” load of a pastor trying to honor God and love His people. It’s hard enough being a pastor – doing it as a sex addict amps up the challenge even more.
But – something did change on that day. I know I’m not the worst. I’m not the weirdest. I’m not pathetic, and I’m not alone. I’m a legit member of the human race; strengths, struggles and all. I have hope that I can be both a sex addict and a pastor. I’m finding a way to act out my calling without acting out my disease.

And once I knew that ONE person could know me as I truly am, it gave me the courage to show that same person to others. One at a time, God has given me the ability and privilege to tell my story to several people in my life so that every day, someone I see knows who I am and what I’m dealing with.
I am a pastor. I am a sex addict. I am loved. And one day at a time, I can be free. Greatest gift ever. Thank God. Thanks Scott.

Stop (s)mothering Your Man

Published on by Scott Williams5 Comments

 

(This article is part one of a three-part series on communication between the sexes. Part two will address the man’s need to hear what is being said and actually listen. Part three will introduce an approach to meaningful dialogue)

What triggers you? Triggers are those comments, or statements, or criticisms, or even events, which can ‘get to us’. They are our buttons, the things that set up off.

I have a trigger as well.

Maybe it was because, growing up, I was ridiculed by relatives. Perhaps it has something to do with my lifelong struggle with insecurity and feelings of ‘not measuring up’. Whatever the reason, I have a very hard time when I feel like someone is condescending, or talking to me like I am a child.

I had coffee some time ago with a group of women. Inevitably the conversation came around to relationships. Some were single, others married or with someone. As we bantered it became apparent that most of the women at that table were unhappy with their men.  They were lazy, unmotivated, and would never help out around the house unless asked. The men couldn’t seem to do anything right and needed to be constantly corrected or critiqued in order to complete any task correctly. And the problem was not just at home. It seemed their men had problems at work, could not be counted on to finish projects, and generally acted like idiots. What was wrong with men, the women asked?

I knew most of the women at that table and had observed them talking with their husbands during disagreements or while in counseling. They felt it was necessary to berate him, talk in a condescending tone, and speak like they had to mother him. I asked one of the ladies if she thought it was appropriate to talk to her husband like this and immediately she turned into the wounded little girl. what else could she do? She said she had tried everything but he wouldn’t change. So I asked her, “Do you talk to him with that condescending, mothering tone?”

In retrospect I should probably not have made such a comment at a table with seven women. I was barraged with criticism, with consternation.

I found it interesting that they did not understand the damage they do to the male psyche when they talk to their man like he was a child. They somehow believed, much to my chagrin, that this tone of voice and attitude would accomplish the desired end they were going for. They were clueless about how men think and relate and had no idea how to fix the problem.

In my relationship course we address how crucial it is to speak so that the other person will understand. Without going into too great detail at this juncture consider this:

1. Mothering and condescending gives the impression you think you are better than he is. Men are incredibly sensitive about their masculinity and we have spent a great deal of our lives comparing our ability to take care of ourselves to other men. When you talk down to a guy they hear that you think you are superior and they are useless. This strikes at the heart of every guy. You are not superior. Men are not stupid. They are simply different. Which brings me to the second point.

2. If you put me down for how I do something I am liable to never volunteer to do anything ever again. Men complain to me that they feel that they can never do anything to their wives satisfaction. They feel belittled and it causes men to resent their women. To a world that grew up thinking “If you want something done right you need to do it yourself” we need to realize that our way is not superior. Some women become used to talking to the person they love most in the world as if he was a little boy, but he isn’t. He is a grown man who needs his woman to believe in him, to build him up, to be a cheerleader who doesn’t constantly put him down. He is your equal.

3. If you are putting your partner down, no matter what sex you are or how incompetent or ridiculous your partner seems, you need to practice SHUTTING UP. Nothing is ever truly gained by criticizing your partner. We are all different and your way is not the only way. You got with this person because you thought they were amazing. The only way that people change is through insight and encouragement. Putting your partner down only builds walls which eventually lead to bitterness and emotional divorce (more about emotional divorce next week).

I am conscious that for some who read this article it raises more questions than it answers. You may be frustrated that your man never seems to understand your needs. You may be a man who wonders if his wife will ever stop ‘nagging’ him. If you have relationship problems there is no way you will find all your answers in a few lines on a blog. Talk to someone who can help you. Make an appointment with a counselor even if your spouse will not come. You cannot change someone else but you can work on you. And that, in the end, may be the best move of all.

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The Lies We Tell Ourselves – ‘Everything Happens For A Reason’

Published on by Scott Williams11 Comments

How It Shakes Out – All this suffering is part of a cosmic divine plan.

Why I Hate It –  For some reason almost everyone seems to believe this bizarre statement. We say to hurting families at funerals that this must be part of a bigger plan. This cliche is often used when someone gets a terminal illness or when bad things happen to good people.

Please stop. It isn’t helping.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. A friend and I were called to Kevin’s house, no one had heard from him for days. As we entered his house I knew what had happened, I could smell it. Death has its own fragrance. We found Kevin sitting alone, in front of his television, dead from an overdose called ‘speedballing‘. Another wasted life.

I spoke at his funeral a few days later. I remember too well my half-baked attempt to make sense of something that should never have been. I will also never forget the lady who came to me after the funeral and accused me of “putting a negative spin” on the situation. She concluded with, “I know this will change a lot of lives and you should have spoken of that.”

I host a group for people who have lost loved ones and are struggling to cope. They are broken and confused, damaged goods. Inevitably in the group someone will share how, at the funeral of their child, an aunt or a well-meaning pastor came to them and said, “I guess God needed another child in heaven.”

The God they believe in must be a bastard. Apparently they believe that God needed another pre-adolescent to fill the roles so he killed yours. In counseling we call this a ‘cognitive distortion’. We also call it asinine.

Only slightly less damaging is the statement, ‘everything happens for a reason’. People who believe this think it is a very loose translation of a bible verse, “all things work together for good”. It’s not, and any decent theologian will tell you the bible verse does not mean that everything works to promote what you think is good.

Daniel Wallace explains – You’ve heard it thousands of times: “Don’t worry; everything will work out just fine.” It’s the eternal optimism that is born not in the crucible of reality but in the wishful thinking of the American dream, of Hollywood make-believe, or of a nave Pollyanna outlook. All of us know it isn’t completely true—we know of children who were cut down by cancer or drunk drivers, of drug addicts who came from good homes, of family men who lost their jobs, of soldiers who returned from battle with one less limb. We know of countless tragedies and needless suffering, yet we repeat the myth to our children without blinking an eye: “Don’t worry; everything will work out just fine.”

The fact remains that most people in my part of the globe still believe this to be an important truth. The painful truth is, however, that the grieving widow given this advice often wonders how such a tragedy could possibly be a good thing. As a result many who suffer wonder if this situation is somehow the will of God, or it is because they are not spiritual enough. They become confused, hurt, and often shunted in their grieving process.

This phase is indeed problematic on several levels. The speaker gives the impression that they believe that he or she has some inside track to the motivation of God or Karma or whatever mystical unseen hand is in control of our universe. They are saying that there is a power that decided that there was a good reason to inflict their newborn with cancer or have a woman raped. There must be some reason why some sixty million people perished in World War 2 including millions upon millions of innocents. Apparently we are supposed to learn a lesson which required 2.5% of the world’s population to die and over 6 million Jews, 2.5 million Poles and countless others to be murdered.

And given the existence of this holy force, which acts on our behalf, who am I to question why a child was molested or my friend Duke died of lung cancer at nineteen.

Even if you cannot see the fairy tale ending then your pain was part of a greater plan that helped someone else, surely? Don’t be upset that you were paralyzed by a drunk driver, think about the lesson you’ve taught others about drinking and driving!

As a person of faith I am not suggesting that all pain and suffering is pointless, or that nothing good can come out of a good situation, but the belief that everything happens for a reason is not only untrue, it is also a naive and potentially damaging way to look at life. Kevin’s death was a tragedy and I realize more and more that it is not necessary to rationalize or justify. Stuff happens. Bad things do happen to good people. Sometimes the rich do get richer and the poor do get poorer. Sometimes life isn’t fair (another lie we want to believe). Sometimes addicts die, in spite of our best efforts. I no longer blame God for things I cannot accept without a fairytale ending.

It’s only when we open our eyes and accept life on life’s terms that healing and hope begins. Pretending we are not angry, or frustrated, or confused, only keeps us sick and makes us bitter. No more lies.

Overexposed and Under-Prepared: The Effects of Early Exposure to Sexual Content

Published on by Scott Williams2 Comments

Adult Content .. Penn St officials head to cou...From Psychology Today:

“Children as young as 8 and 9 are coming across sexually explicit material on the Internet and in other media. Although research is just beginning to assess the potential damage, there is reason to believe that early exposure to sexual content may have the following undesirable effects:

Early Sex. Research has long established that teens who watch movies or listen to music that glamorizes drinking, drug use or violence tend to engage in those behaviors themselves. A 2012 study shows that movies influence teens’ sexual attitudes and behaviors as well. The study, published in Psychological Science, found that the more teens were exposed to sexual content in movies, the earlier they started having sex and the likelier they were to have casual, unprotected sex.

In another study, boys who were exposed to sexually explicit media were three times more likely to engage in oral sex and intercourse two years after exposure than non-exposed boys. Young girls exposed to sexual content in the media were twice as likely to engage in oral sex and one and a half times more likely to have intercourse. Research also shows that teens who listened to music with degrading sexual references were more likely to have sex than those who had less exposure.

High-Risk Sex. The earlier a child is exposed to sexual content and begins having sex, the likelier they are to engage in high-risk sex. Research shows that children who have sex by age 13 are more likely to have multiple sexual partners, engage in frequent intercourse, have unprotected sex and use drugs or alcohol before sex. In a study by researcher Dr. Jennings Bryant, more than 66 percent of boys and 40 percent of girls reported wanting to try some of the sexual behaviors they saw in the media (and by high school, many had done so), which increases the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies.

Sex, Love and Relationship Addictions. Not every child who is exposed to sexual content will struggle with a mental health disorder, but research shows that early exposure to pornography is a risk factor for sex addictions and other intimacy disorders. In one study of 932 sex addicts, 90 percent of men and 77 percent of women reported that pornography was a factor in their addiction. With the widespread availability of explicit material on the Internet, these problems are becoming more prevalent and are surfacing at younger ages.

Sexual Violence. According to some studies, early exposure (by age 14) to pornography and other explicit material may increase the risk of a child becoming a victim of sexual violence or acting out sexually against another child. For some people, habitual use of pornography may prompt a desire for more violent or deviant material, including depictions of rape, torture or humiliation. If people seek to act out what they see, they may be more likely to commit sexual assault, rape or child molestation.

Preserving Our Children’s Youth

Early exposure to sexual content in the media may have a profound impact on children’s values, attitudes and behaviors toward sex and relationships.”

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Is ADHD Crap?

Published on by Scott Williams3 Comments

English: Symptoms of ADHD described by the lit...Interesting article from Psychology Today questioning whether or not ADHD is a scientifically verifiable diagnosis or simply a social constuct.

“The main point of my article was that there is no scientific evidence that ADHD is a real biological disorder. Medical scientists have not isolated a biological cause for ADHD, nor is there a laboratory test for it. ADHD is a social construction by a committee of psychiatrists who author the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Many of the authors of the DSM-4 (56% to be exact) have financial ties to pharmaceutical companies who stand to profit greatly from medicating children.”    As I point out in another Psychology Today blog, ADHD: The Emperor’s New Diagnosis,”…the moniker ADHD merely describes a cluster of externally observed symptoms: the child often fidgets, makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, often loses his pencils, has difficulty waiting his turn, blurts out answers in class, and so forth. This is like defining diabetes as excessive urination, frequent thirst, lack of energy, and having sweet-smelling urine. Of course doctors do not define diabetes by these observable symptoms because diabetes has a well understood biological cause. Diabetes is a metabolic disorder of the pancreas being unable to produce sufficient insulin. But ADHD…[is] defined only by externally observable symptoms.”

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Silence The Inner Voice That’s Stressing You Out

Published on by Scott Williams1 Comment

From Psychology Today

Millions of people struggle with unhealthy levels of stress. Stress isn’t just destructive to our mental health but to our physical health as well. It weakens our immune systems and contributes to heart disease, high blood pressure, strokes, and other illnesses.  These facts are important, but reading about  them, or even relaying them,  admittedly makes me feel a little, well… stressed. Too often reflecting on our stress just makes us feel worse. So rather than scare you straight when it comes to stress, I thought I would offer a real solution to those nagging (at times terrorizing) thoughts that lead to stress.

The mere mention of the word stress is enough to make our heads spin with thoughts of to-do lists, meetings, schedules, social calendars, kids, work, money. Whatever the trigger mechanism is, it’s always there to distract us from any potential sense of calm. When we allow our negative thoughts to take over, we spend precious energy handling the symptoms of stress instead of solving the problem or dealing with what’s really making us feel such pressure or worry.

These negative thoughts tell us when to worry and what to worry about, but never do they offer us a real solution to our problems. If we were to challenge these negative thoughts, we would soon realize that not only is this destructive thought process amplifying our stress levels but it is actually causing us much of our anxiety in the first place.

For example, many of us feel concern when we have more things we need to do or want to do than we believe we can get done. Very often, however, we are placing too much pressure on ourselves and setting our expectations too high. In effect we are setting ourselves up, and literally scheduling ourselves out, to get stressed. When we set our standards too high, we often set ourselves up to later become a target for our critical inner voice. We start to have self-critical thoughts like: What is wrong with you? You never give 100 percent to anything. Can’t you just get one thing right? You’re such a failure!

Even when times are tough or the pressure being placed on us is external, we can seek out an inner sense of calm by quieting those inner voices that exacerbate the problem. This is not meant to undermine the fact we all have real concerns about our lives. We all struggle at some point with our careers, our families and our futures. Every one of us has concerns at one time or another about keeping a job, falling in love or raising our kids. However, what we actually feel about these things is usually never as bad as what our critical inner voice is telling us to feel about these things.

For example, when we lose a job, we may have thoughts like: What are you going to do now? You can’t do anything. How humiliating!

When we go through a break up with a partner, we may hear voices such as: See? No one could ever love you. You’re going to wind up alone.

Even an event as simple as forgetting to mail a letter can get our self-attacks going: You’re so irresponsible. How are you ever going to get anything done?

These thoughts impair us in our actions and lead us to feel demoralized and even more stressed out.  We can interrupt this cycle by becoming more aware of the thoughts that are propelling our feelings of worry. For example, a friend of mine noticed she was waking up in a bad mood every morning. Feeling overwhelmed and rushed, her morning mood was slowly infiltrating her whole day. Snapping at people, overdosing on caffeine and rubbing her head to the point of almost literally tearing her hair out, she knew something had to change.

To understand her 7 a.m. stress, I suggested my friend write down all the thoughts she was having before she went to bed. When my friend did this, she noticed her head was full of vicious self-attacks. Her negative thoughts surfaced every night when she finally took a rest from pushing herself through her day. My friend recounted her thoughts to me: What did you actually accomplish today? You’re no closer to your goals then you were yesterday. Everyone hates you. You snap at everybody. Are you even doing a good job? What’s so important about what you do anyway. You never make time for anyone. You’re so selfish. You’d better work harder tomorrow.

When my friend told me her attacks, I was appalled. “No wonder you’ve been feeling under pressure in the morning. You’re tearing yourself apart right before you go to bed.” As soon as my friend realized this pattern, she started to feel compassion for herself and noticed herself feeling relieved of her morning anxiety.

To fully rid oneself of the critical inner voice, one must not only identify the negative thoughts but stand up to them. Putting our voices in the second person can help us make this initial separation. Try to write down your critical thoughts, first as “I” statements, then as “you” statements. If you have thoughts of feeling stupid, write down “You are so stupid.” Next, stand up to this internal enemy by writing down responses to your critical thoughts with the more realistic perspective of a compassionate friend. For example, you could write, “I am not stupid. Anyone can make a mistake. I have a lot of areas in which I am intelligent and confident.” The intention here is not to build yourself up, but to gain a more realistic view of yourself.

Finally, think about what the actions are that could counter your critical inner voices. When my friend had an attack that she was snapping at people, it didn’t help that she was acting on her self-critical thoughts by getting moody and lashing out at co-workers. Avoid actions that will lead you to feel worse. If eating three slices of pizza relieves you after a stressful day only to leave you later stressing over your weight, it’s best not to use that behavior as a coping mechanism. Remember the critical inner voice is tricky and can sound soothing or friendly as it lures you into self-destructive behaviors. Have that second glass of wine. Just stay home and relax on your own. Later on that voice will punish you with thoughts like: There you go having another drink. You can’t stick to anything. What a loner. You’ll never meet anyone.

The voice can also tell us that we are being victimized. When we have thoughts like, Why is everyone walking all over you? No one else does anything around here, we put ourselves in a powerless position and blame others for the pressure we’ve put ourselves under.

Dealing with stress means taking our own side without feeling like a victim. It means empowering ourselves against our inner critic and not allowing that critic to dictate our lifestyle. That critic will put up a fuss when we act against it and cause us anxiety over the changes we make in our lives. However, the more we persevere and the longer these negative voices in our heads are quieted, the better able we are to live in the moment without worrying about the past or the future. We can then deal with everything in our lives one moment, one step, one deep breath and one thought at a time.

Casual Friday – Lessons From Life

Published on by Scott WilliamsLeave a comment

Beck - "Loser"I really like redheads. That has little to do with this blog but I thought you should know.

Many years ago, while in grade eight, I briefly dated a redhead named Lynn. She dumped me after a three weeks, telling me that God told her to break up with me. Even God doesn’t want you to date me. That was many years ago and to this day we remain great friends.

Lynn loves to travel. She and her husband Phil have been all over the world, but they love Israel the most. Don’t ask me why; I prefer the Caribbean anytime but that’s her deal, so mazel tov. Once when they were in the holy land someone offered her husband ten camels for her. I don’t know a great deal about camels but even I understand that this must be a hefty price. If you talk to Lynn she will, from time to time, remind you that she is a ‘ten-camel woman’. And why not, she has proof.

Most of us are not ten-camel people. We watch television and see beautiful people running down beaches and kissing under the moonlight, and down deep we are convinved that we don’t measure up. We are ugly people. We are the losers. We don’t have big boats or businesses, we don’t look good in a Speedo, we aren’t great singers or dancers or poets. We are only regular people with too much cellulite and not enough collagen.

Royal Soucy was a neighbour of mine. He was like a tree trunk with teeth. Royal was a professional body builder who had won several prestigious competitions including “Mr. Saskatchewan” a few times. I would tease Royal that with a name like “Royal Soucy” he had to be tough. But I would not tease him too much. I was afraid he would eat me if I made him too mad. Royal was a cop. Royal was French. There are legends around Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan about the policeman who would break up bar brawls single-handedly. The day I moved in to the neighbourhood we were unloading and I saw our neighbor on his roof shingling. Let me describe this for you; he looked like a Muscle Magazine cover. He was massive. Huge. Totally cut and only wearing shorts, sweating like some Greek god roofing his villa. Then my wife said, “I have a great idea. Why don’t you go help that guy with his roof. You could take off your shirt and get a good tan and get to know him.” So naive… Samson and Captain Chicken Wings, doing the roof together.

Growing up I was never a person who was quick to take his shirt off. Some people are blessed with pectoral genetics, I never was. Now that I’m in my forties it’s a little easier being the slim guy in the midst of a group of men struggling with weight, but growing up I was embarrassed.

I don’t like losing my hair. It’s a stupid vanity thing, but I can’t seem to get over it. It’s a constant reminder that I don’t look like I’d like to, that at this point I probably won’t be a model. Yes, I tell myself, that’s the only reason I’m not a model.

We used to have a rat named Mr. Bigglesworth. People thought he was disgusting. We loved him. Rats are smarter than most animals and we could let him out and he would pretend to pounce me, sleep on my chest, play a rat version of catch. On the downside, he had no bowel control so that whole running around thing rarely ended well. People would comment how he was almost cute, except for his long ugly tail. I would remind them that this wasn’t Mr. B’s fault, we all have parts we are not proud of.

It is one thing to squint in the mirror. It’s another thing altogether when that shame reaches deeper into our hearts. Ruined self-esteem, poor self-image, feelings of worthlessness. Shame is a huge thing. The more I look into it the more I am coming to realize that it can be one of the most destructive issues in our lives. Most of us carry around a backpack of failures, mistakes, and missed opportunities. We wear labels that we cannot seem to shake – fat, divorced, whore, loser, stupid, bald, old, pathetic, poor, alone, ugly, fag…

Shame is the experience of feeling defective at the core of your being. We feel guilty about our mistakes. Shame is the experience of feeling that you as a person ARE A MISTAKE.

With shame there is no way of making amends or correcting the wrong. Because the wrong is you. I have been insecure about myself most of my life but like many of you I am tired of feeling inadequate. I’m done apologizing for being an extrovert, or ADHD, or opinionated. I no longer am willing to try to fit in at the expense of my self-esteem. I tell clients that the opposite of poor self-esteem is not good self-esteem, it’s self acceptance. Accepting ourselves with all our warts and wrinkles and issues. Learning to love ourselves in spite of the things about ourselves we don’t like, not because of the things we do.

That’s a hell of a goal, isn’t it?