I like talking about sex. After you have spent hours talking about depression, stress, marriage break-ups and anxiety it’s nice to talk about the clitoris. There is also the fact that I grew up in a conservative, Canadian culture that didn’t talk about female anatomy unless you are making a lurid joke; so there is the added risqué factor. I have actually caught myself, while in a conversation with a couple about their sex life, wondering, “Am I allowed to talk about this?”. It’s a childish, prudish attitude but frankly that makes it a bit more fun.
It will come as no revelation to anyone that women come to counselling far more than men. Without any verifiable data on hand I would guesstimate that at least 85% of my clients are female. This factor alone has radically changed my own life and taught me more about relationships, women, men, and psychology than any schooling or book. I am able, on some rudimentary level, to understand women far better than I ever did while working with men. I am still a Neanderthal, I admit, but hopefully a teachable one.
But I digress.
Sex is, unsurprisingly, a complicated thing for couples. Heterosexual couples have the added challenge of differing equipment, among other differences. Many men, surprisingly, still do not really understand female anatomy. True confession – as a teenager I didn’t know where women pee’d from. I didn’t have the advantage of an extensive and lurid porn collection and assumed women pee’d from that hole somewhere. My parents were actually very progressive and open about sexuality and I still didn’t figure it out. Laugh if you want – then ask your young teen. We’re dudes, our junk is on the outside and free to peruse at our leisure. Ok, now I feel like an idiot. As they say, laugh at yourself and you’ll never run out of material.
But I digress.
Menopause is another area that men don’t really understand. Why are you sweating without covers on? What do you mean when you say, “I feel like a furnace, the heat comes from the inside”? Can you really have a period for a month? Or not at all? Why does it suddenly hurt? Don’t you desire me anymore? Don’t I do it for you anymore?
Why are you crying? And once again, stop sweating!
It is easy to be critical of men and assume they are clueless about women because… well… we are. No one took us aside (outside of pornography where women all want sex all the time in every position imaginable and orgasm in about a minute) and explained your junk, or how to communicate, or even how to act like a man or a passionate lover. You don’t make any sense to us and we are usually too embarrassed and insecure to ask you for directions.
I love getting directions. But then again, I’m weird.
Women who are with men would do well to understand that we have not been properly taught how to understand you. Our teachers were our fathers (Neanderthals) and the dark side of the internet (run by Neanderthals). We don’t stand around at the job-site and ask each other about our feelings or talk about our relationships (at least not in a way you would appreciate). Few of us are in touch with our feelings and we do not understand how to ask for guidance or input in such a way that you won’t get disgusted or laugh. Telling me to “stop that!” only scares the hell out of me and further entrenches my belief that you are an alien species who cannot be understood. Add the male communication handicap and you have a recipe for misunderstanding. When it comes to the bedroom arena, couples really should spend at least as much time talking as they do… kissing. Creating an atmosphere free from ridicule or shame is the best gift you can give to your sex life. Talk, then touch. Then talk some more. You will be glad you did.
Are you done sweating yet?
10 thoughts on “Sex, Junk, And Menopause”
Why do women in menopause sweat? The short answer: Cardiovascular and endocrine (our hormone systems) instability due to the waning of the female hormone estrogen due to our ovaries shutting down as our bodies struggle to adjust. I’m sure there’s some problems too when men’s testosterone levels decrease as happens as men age. So it is with women. It’s largely a physiological event. The good news is that the more “severe” the menopausal symptoms, the less likely she will be to develop cancer as she ages. (because cancer is often estrogen dependent for women). As a man, just realize she’s coping the best she can, try to make her comfortable, and realize this too will pass. ;>) Menopause can be a blessing! No more monthly smell, messes or risk of pregnancy!
Great post! I agree…communication is so key!
What a great post! I hope this goes viral so that even more people read it. Keep on going.
thank you very much. that would be shocking, to say the least.
When I read posts that you write that talk about men, it creates doubt for me with my perceptions of narcissists. If men are as you describe, seemingly indifferent, not very talkative, etc, it implies a degree of narcissism…can you share what the difference is then, between the men you are describing and narcissistic men?
absolutely. let me think on it. appreciate the input.
Thanks, Scott. I’ve been curious about this more than once. appreciate your thoughts on it as I think it would help clarify much for me when the lines appear blurred between health men and narcissism I mean, in some ways it’s obvious, but with those more insidious, it isn’t. My ex psychopath used lines that were typical of the male gender….to justify his behavior…
I have really enjoyed your blog. I find myself thinking of it frequently when I am with my husband. It helps me understand our differences a bit better and appreciate him more 🙂
thank you. that’s the best compliment I could get.